Stooltime Counseling

POWER-UP WITH STOOLTIME COUNSELING!

2011-11-11T09:11:00.018-05:00

Created on July 4th, 2001 Copyright © 2001-2012. Stooltime Counseling. All rights reserved.

Some basic principles to get started:
* Know yourself, trust yourself, choose yourself.
* Learn from the past as opposed to live in the past.
* Live in the moment, the here-and-now.
* Plan for the future rather than worry about the future.
* Voice + Choice = Self-Esteem!
* Thoughts + Feelings + Actions = Change.

Understanding the meaning of the STC 3-legged stool:
In counseling theory, the three-legged stool is a metaphor for the balance of life. Each of the three legs means something different. Together they represent a tripod of human thoughts, feelings and actions. The stool depends on all three legs to keep it sturdy. The legs are as interdependent as human thoughts, feelings and actions. For human beings to live balanced and sturdy lives, we need all three legs. Anything less would be a loose stool! Stooltime Counseling connects human thoughts, feelings and actions to offer one explanation of how we experience the world, each other and ourselves. (For introspective people, who have a spiritual awareness, read between the legs because it's there, too).

DESCRIPTION OF STOOLTIME COUNSELING:
What's on your mind? What's the connection between our thoughts, feelings and actions? How can we view our problems from a different perspective to find a solution? How can we begin to improve the quality of our life? What is human potential in relation to our strengths and growth areas? Do you need help sorting through questions like these? You're in a place that may help! The forum I use to communicate with you is the written word. There is no face-to-face contact with this professional. If you are in crisis, there are other forums of counseling from which to choose.

My areas of specialty include:
Mental Health
Self-Esteem
Stress Management
Pre-Marital Counseling
Sports Counseling

As you read other postings from the Library Of Articles (see below), you will see self-help articles I have written. Read about our human condition from the perspective of a counselor. Lets get growing, I mean going!

EDUCATION/EXPERIENCE:
1977: Associates degree. General Studies. Macomb Community College.

1981: Bachelor of Science. Human Resources Development. Oakland University.

1988: Master of Arts. Counseling. Oakland University.

1987: Apprentice Substance Abuse Counseling Certification.

1988: Registered Social Worker, State of MI. Licensed in 2006.

1990: Licensed Professional Counselor, State of MI.

2000: Certified Sports Counselor, Diplomate.

1980-1982: Recreational Therapist. Glen Eden Hospital.

1982-1989: Mental Health Worker. Psychiatric Center Of Michigan Hospital.

1984-1985: Nautilus/Aerobics/Stress Management Instructor. Salt River Racquetball Club.

1985-1987: Adult Education Teacher/Counselor. L'Anse Creuse Public Schools, Opportunity To Change program.

1989-Now: Mental Health Clinician. Oakland County Community Mental Health; Easter Seals.

2001-2009: Mental Health Therapist. St. Joseph's Mercy Hospital/Henry Ford Macomb Hospital.

2003-2010: Pre-Marital Counselor. Holy Cross, St. Catherine, St. Mark churches.

August, 2005: Member of the Human Development Steering Committee with the Statue Of Responsibility Foundation; later invited to join the Public Relations Committee. The Statue Of Responsibility Foundation.

FEE SCHEDULE:
The information and professional opinion expressed in Stooltime Counseling is free to read. I earn money if you choose to purchase available Stooltime Counseling merchandise. Questions/comments about Stooltime Counseling can be e-mailed to me.

e-mail address:
stooltimecounseling@comcast.net

Great Things Are Coming:
1) Show your support for Stooltime Counseling and be acknowledged on this website. Invest in the purchase of any available Stooltime Counseling merchandise, get a picture of you wearing it and e-mail it to me. With your permission, I'll post it. Current pictures can be viewed on the various articles contained in the Library Of Articles.

2) Watch and listen for Stooltime Counseling videos coming this way. Visual and audio learning at its finest! Stooltime Counseling has its own YouTube channel.

3) Readers have the opportunity to e-mail me videos of their thoughts and feelings about any article contained in Stooltime Counseling's Library Of Articles. Keep it classy, appropriate and under 2 minutes, and with your permission, I will post it.

Disclaimer:
The use of Stooltime Counseling is not intended to treat any mental, emotional or behavioral condition. It is for educational purposes, and a venue for readers and I to bloviate opinions, some of which are based on counseling theories, and others based on personal experience.

Stooltime Counseling may include hyperlinks to third-party content. Stooltime Counseling is not responsible for third-party content available from such resources or websites because it goes against one of my basic tenants: Personal responsibility for thoughts, feelings and actions.

Please use this website and third-party content at your own discretion.

Stooltime Counseling is dedicated to the celebration of my dad's life. I remember Gene Rogers as an awesome man! We miss your presence, dad, remember your love, and know that our loss is Heaven's gain!

Stooltime Counseling partners with Graphic Stitch:

MUSICAL CHAIRS: WHERE WILL YOU BE WHEN THE MUSIC STOPS?

2011-11-11T08:54:00.049-05:00

The Importance Of Being Prepared!

Musical chairs is a game people play to win. Players must be ready for anything when the music stops. It is a game that requires players to walk around a row of chairs while listening to music. When the music stops, the goal is to grab a chair and sit down. Since there is always one less chair than players, someone gets excluded from the next round. Repeat the process until there is one winner. It takes listening skills, timing and preparation to win. Where will you be when the music stops?

Being prepared for the choices we make in life means getting ready to grab a chair when the music stops. The chair just might be a three-legged stool!

Some Examples:
Coaches stress the importance of individual and team preparation before the next game. Prepare to win!

Students who want to show and tell their teachers what they have learned in class prepare by studying and doing their homework. Prepare to pass that test!

Pre-marital couples who plan to marry know the importance of doing more preparation for their marriage than for their wedding day. Prepare to read, R.U.S.T.I.C. approach to marriage.

Boy Scout Law. A scout is:
Trustworthy
Loyal
Helpful
Friendly
Courteous
Kind
Obedient
Cheerful
Thrifty
Brave
Clean
Reverent

Boy Scout motto: Be Prepared!

Espousing the 12 values taught to boy scouts puts the "fun" in "functional" activities of daily living! Prepare to function.

People who want to have a nest egg at the time of their retirement learn how to save and invest part of their income during their industrial years. Prepare to have money when gainful employment is no longer an option!

People who have healthy religious feelings live their lives in ways that prepare them for something for which we are all born: the death penalty. The desire to go to our heavenly home after we leave this world takes preparation here on earth. Prepare to live.

Whether it be preparing to win a sporting event, pass a test, increase emotional intimacy in a marriage, function, save money for retirement or live, preparation may not always get us what we want, but it will get us anything better than lack of preparation.

Now, can someone start the music?

Written by,
Mark Rogers, LPC.
Licensed Professional Counselor
(11/11).
To a woman whose friendship I cherish. Thanks for supporting Stooltime Counseling, Michele!

TRUST IS A MUST OR YOUR GAME IS A BUST!

2011-11-04T11:33:00.032-05:00

THIS PHRASE RINGS TRUE IN BOWLING AND IN LIFE

Left to Right: Kevin Wojcik, Harry Sullins, Gary Morris, Mark Rogers, Dean Pitruzzello, Bill Sellers, Joe Petrone and Arnie Goldman. (Missing from team picture is Pat Einechner). Thanks for supporting Stooltime Counseling!

Trust occurs on many different levels. It can happen when greeting another person by way of a handshake, which is a welcoming sign of friendliness, hospitality and trust. It happens when a man and a woman exchange wedding vows. Trusting oneself and other drivers is evident anytime we get behind the wheel of a car to drive, lest we feel nervous and paranoid during that trip from point A to point B. Then there's the game of bowling. Most bowlers learn the importance of trusting their ball once it leaves their hand and lands in the spot where it then most likely travels to the end of the lane to knock down as many pins as possible. Then again, sometimes a handshake, exchange of wedding vows, an accident-free driving trip and bowling score show less than positive results, despite the amount of trust shown. When things go wrong as they sometimes do, I'm reminded of a saying used by President Ronald Reagan, "Trust, but verify." President Reagan's words blend well with the theme of this article, "Trust is a must or your game is a bust!"

My research suggests Professional Bowlers Association (PBA) legend, Billy Welu, coined the phrase, "Trust is a must or your game is a bust," during his tenure on television as the color commentator next to Chris Schenkel on early PBA telecasts, circa 1960's. "Hit 'em thin and watch 'em spin," was another one of his favorite phrases. ABC Sports did a nice job promoting the game of bowling in the 20th century. ESPN Sports has taken over the reins in the 21st century.

To be continued ...

Written by,
Mark Rogers, LPC.
Licensed Professional Counselor
(11/11).

Saturday Night Bold Ones league, Team Stooltime Counseling. I will admit it: I really enjoy bowling!

GRIEF: HOW CAN YOU HELP ME?

2010-11-27T02:11:00.016-05:00

Grief can come in many forms. The loss of a loved one through death, the loss of our youth as we grow older, the loss of a spouse through divorce or the grief a person feels as their lifestyle changes for whatever reason.

After experiencing the death of a loved one, survivors grieve the loss. Selfishly, the death is a reminder of our own mortality. Selflessly, it truly hurts because the person will be missed. There is no one-way to grieve. People grieve the way they need to grieve. What helps one person may not help another, everybody is different.

As awkward as it feels to relate to somebody who has experienced the loss of a loved one, here are some insights that may help. It is not an all-inclusive list. Everybody is different.

ONE PERSPECTIVE:

Please talk about him/her, even though he/she is gone. It is more comforting to cry than to pretend that he/she never existed. I need to talk about him/her, and I need to do it over and over.

Be patient with my agitation. Nothing feels secure in my world. Accept the fact that I may cry from time-to-time. Sadness hits me in waves, and I never know when my tears may flow. Just sit with me in silence and hold my hand.

If you tell me what I should be doing, I may feel even more lost and alone. I feel anguish that he/she is dead, so please don't make it worse by telling me I'm doing this incorrectly.

I am not strong. I'm just numb. If you tell me that I should be strong, I think that you don't see me.

Just because I look good does not mean that I feel good. Ask me how I feel only if you really have time to listen.

I don't understand what you mean when you say, "You've got to get on with your life". My life is going on. I've been forced to take on many new responsibilities and roles. It may not look the way you think it should. This will take time and I will never be my old self again. So please, just love me as I am today, and know that with your love and support, the joy will slowly return to my life. But I will never forget and there will always be times when I cry.

Grief is not like having a cold or the flu. They are different. My grieving may only begin 2 months after his/her death. Don't think that I will be over it in a year. I am not only grieving his/her death, but also the person I was when I was with him/her, the life that we shared, the plans we had, the places we will never get to go together, and the hopes, dreams and desires that will never come true. My whole world has been crushed and I will never be the same.

I will not always be grieving as intensely, but I will never forget him/her, and rather than recover, I want to incorporate his/her life and love into the rest of my life. He/she is a part of me and always will be, and sometimes I will remember him/her with joy and other times with a tear. Both are okay.

I don't have to accept the death. Yes, I have to understand that it has happened and it is real, but there are some things in life that are just not acceptable.

Please don't say, "Call me if you need anything". I'll never call you because I have no idea what I need. Trying to figure out what you could do for me takes more energy than I have.

Understand how difficult it is for me to be surrounded by couples, to walk into events alone, to go home alone, to feel out of place in the same situations where I used to feel so comfortable.

Please don't judge me now - or think that I'm behaving strangely. Remember, I'm grieving. I am in shock. I am afraid. I feel deep rage. I feel guilty. Above all, I hurt. I'm experiencing a pain unlike any I've ever felt before. The pain is so profound, it is difficult to imagine how deeply it hurts.

Don't worry if you think I'm getting better and then suddenly I seem to slip backward. I behave that way sometimes. Please don't tell me you know how I feel, or that it's time for me to get on with my life. What I need now is time to grieve.

Most of all, thank you for being my friend. Thank you for your patience. Thank you for caring. Thank you for helping, for understanding from a distance. Thank you for praying for me.

Remember in the days or years ahead, after you experience a loss - when you need me as I have needed you - I will understand from a distance. Then I will come and be with you.

Written by,
Anonymous

Mark Rogers, LPC
Licensed Professional Counselor
(11/10)

AN OPINE ABOUT THE DETROIT LIONS

2010-11-11T08:32:00.089-05:00

The lion is the monarch of the jungle.
It is time for the Detroit Lions to purge and resurge!
In 2008, Hooters celebrated their 25th anniversary while the Detroit Lions celebrated their 75th. These pictures show some of the women of Hooters as they champion support for the Detroit Lions as they prepare to improve.

An open letter to Lion's owner, William Clay Ford, originally posted on My Fox 2 blogs on December 30th, 2008, after the Lions went 0-16 that year:

Dear Mr. Ford,
I don't know if you're listening to what Detroit Lions fans are saying. You can hear it on sports radio and you can read it on the blogs. We are hurting because your $4.5million dollar baby purchased in 1964, is not worth its current value of $700 million dollars, based on the team's win-loss record to date. We, the fans, are in pain because your baby has just died as evidenced by the 0-16 season.

Some call you an aristocrat, a person who separates themself from the common person. I see you more as a human being. I believe the team's win-loss record bothers you as much as it bothers the typical fan.

Some say you may want to win, but don't need to win, based on being an aristocrat. Again, the human part of you must feel the pain the typical fan feels, most recently exacerbated by the 0-16 2008 season.

I think you have at least two choices as owner of the team, given the multiple decades of painful results the organization has produced on the grid iron:

•Anesthetize yourself from the pain so you don't have to deal with it.
•Lean into the pain to go past your comfort zone to make some positive decisions that will help to produce some positive results on the field.

Lions fans are rooting for you to resuscitate the Detroit Lions, your baby. I'm trusting you will show us your humanity by dealing with the pain rather than ignoring it.

You can start by talking about it with the fans so we can do this together. Nobody needs to experience that kind of pain alone.

The idea behind the banner is to encourage the Lions to free themselves from whatever has not been working since 1957, when they had their last championship year, so they can resurge to once again win like champions.

In 2008, I recommended something simple: Replace their logo, "Bubbles", with something more aggressive like the one they used during the 1950's. In 2009, the team modified "Bubbles" to make it look more lean and mean.

On the other hand, the purging may be as complex as beating the curse of Bobby Layne, or Barry Sanders, much like the Boston Red Sox beat the 86 year old curse of the Bambino to win the world series in 2004.

The solution to the woes of the Lions might even be found somewhere else on the continuum between the simple and complex.

If the Detroit Lions were on trial for being an NFL team-of-contention, when will there be enough evidence to convict them?

Lions players, Lions management and Lions fans will know when the purging and resurging process is beginning:

•When the team adds up more wins than losses.
•When the players are asking more questions than they are answering.

Professional Opine:
Jimmy Johnson, of Fox NFL Sunday, is so optimistic, one must question his credentials as a broadcaster. Aren't sportscasters supposed to be "critical" so that they can be viewed as "objective"?

Given Jimmy's "hopeful" comment about the Lions during the 3rd game of the 2008 season, when the Lions lost to the 49'ers, 31-13, coupled with my pattern of finding something positive to say about the Lions, I felt compelled to bring in some reinforcements. This time, it's Jimmy Johnson.

Why would Jimmy Johnson make an attempt to be empathic with Lions fans, who kept waiting for the 2008 season to do a 180 degree turn rather than just be "good-time Charlie" fans?

All I know, when Jimmy Johnson said the Detroit Lions are "playing possum", it had Terry Bradshaw rolling his eyes during their half-time show. Of course, we already know what Terry Bradshaw thinks about Detroit.

"Playing possum" (taken from Wikipedia) :

"Playing possum" is a phrase which literally means "to pretend to be dead".

It comes from a characteristic of the Virginia opossum, which is famous for pretending to be dead when threatened. This instinct doesn't always pay off in the modern world. For example, opossums scavenging roadkill may use its instinct in response to the threat posed by oncoming traffic, and subsequently end up as roadkill themselves.

"Playing possum" can also mean simply pretending to be injured, unconscious, or otherwise vulnerable, often to lure an opponent into a vulnerable position himself.

Mr. Ford, please do something different with the Lions organization if you don't want the possum to end up as road kill. Show Lions fans that the team is not really dead, and that it's just pretending.

It's your move Mr. Ford. Don't be the driver who runs over your own scavenging possum that's pretending to be dead, when it's really alive.

Religion And Sports:
When people talk about religion or politics, the conversation can get very heated because both subjects evoke very personal thoughts and feelings. What happens when a conversation combines religion and sports?

We all have a cross to bear. The cross is a symbol for something that can weigh us down. The weight of a cross can be the burden that immobilizes us so we cannot move forward. What cross does the Detroit Lions bear? How can the Detroit Lions embrace their cross so they can move forward?

Are the Detroit Lions a confused team? The team usually plays hard each week, but moral victories do not add up in the win column. This, I believe, is their cross to bear. This can confuse even the smartest squirrel trying to cross the road as it goes back and forth, working hard to make its destination. Sometimes the squirrel makes it; other times, it doesn't make it. Take heart. Confusion is the first step to wisdom.

I challenge the Detroit Lions to use their confusion (cross to bear) as something positive. Embrace the confusion and learn from it.

When someone is confused, the best case scenario is to start asking questions to get some answers on how to improve. Ask questions, get feedback and wise up!

Personally, I am embracing the Detroit Lions as my cross to bear. I have one request, though: Can my cross be made of balsa wood? I'm going to pray about it.

________________________________Megatron and Lois_____

Quotable Quotes:
Winston Churchill said,

"Success is going from failure to failure without losing your enthusiasm".

Lets remember the words of Henry Ford:

"Coming together is a beginning. Keeping together is progress. Working together is success".

Kermit the frog once said, "It's not easy being green". People who believe the Lions are a different team each year, including me, have been saying, "It's not easy being optimistic".

My words of encouragement to the Detroit Lions:

It isn't the mountains ahead of you that will wear you guys out. It's the grain of sand in your shoes that will. Check your shoes before each game.

The Lions have lost their teeth, and their roar sounds more like that of a kitten's purr, based on their win-loss record since 1957.

For example:
I feel bad for the guys who get seriously injured during the season because the team record does nothing to offer them any relief.

Detroit fans mostly come from a blue-collar, hard working town. We work hard so we can expect positive results from the fruits of our labor. So it is with our sports teams. When there's anything less than a winning season, because that's what matters at the professional level, something different needs to happen.

Some people want Mr. Ford to sell the team to increase their chances of becoming Super Bowl contenders. If those people were correct, I would agree with them. I've heard that argument before with the Detroit Tigers. I remember fans calling for the jobs of Mr. Ilitch (owner) and Mr. Dombrowski (general manager) prior to the Tigers playing in the World Series in 2006. Neither gentleman is gone, yet the Tigers were a team of contention for at least two years (2006-2008) under their watch.

Prepare to win, Detroit Lions. Prepare to smile, Lions fans!

Written by,
Mark Rogers, LPC.
Licensed Professional Counselor
(11/10)

HUMILITY -vs- EXALTATION

2010-10-29T05:32:00.062-05:00

Country singer, Mac Davis, sings, "Oh, Lord, it's hard to be humble, when you're perfect in every way".

Can the illusion of "perfection", or the exaltation of oneself, lead to being humbled? Consider this joke:
NFL quarterbacks, Brett Favre, Eli Manning and Tom Brady died and went to heaven. They are greeted by God at the Pearly Gates. God said to all three, "Before you enter heaven, please tell Me what you did on earth to deserve being up here".

Brett Favre answered, "I promoted team work and worked hard to set a good example for others". God replied, "Nice job, Brett. Please enter the gates, and you can sit on My right side".

Eli Manning responded, "I did those things, too, and I looked out after the children". "Very nice, Eli", said God. "You can come in and sit on My left side".

PAUSE.

God interupted the pause and said, "Well, Tom. I'm waiting. What have you done on earth to deserve being up here in heaven"? Tom Brady answered, "Excuse me, God. You're sitting in my chair".

On the other hand, can humility, or the humbling of oneself, lead to being exalted? Consider the following story:
There are four bakeries located on the same street, in the same town. Each of them works hard to sell more doughnuts than the others.

Bakery #1 advertises by saying, "We sell the best doughnuts in the country"!

Bakery #2 wants to compete, so they advertise by saying, "We sell the best doughnuts in the world"!

Not to be outdone by the first two bakeries, bakery #3 advertises by saying, "We sell the best doughnuts in the universe"!

Then there is bakery #4. It's a mom and pop bakery. Their strategy to sell more doughnuts is by saying, "We sell the best doughnuts on this street"!

The moral of the story: Keep it simple, and be humble to be effective!

The joke and the story reveal two interesting lessons:

1. Some people like to wear the mask of "perfection".

2. Other people go through life wearing no mask.

What is the difference between someone who believes they are perfect and someone who believes they are imperfect? The perfect person has the attitude, "I'm not like other people". While that may be true when we're talking about likes, dislikes, personalities, values, skills, experiences, etc., it isn't true when we're talking about our humanity, the common ground for human-beings. Imperfection is one characteristic of the basis of our humanity. It is not to say that our humanity acts as an excuse for our imperfections. Rather, it is the common realization all human beings have strengths and growth areas because nobody is perfect.

Imperfect people keep it simple by being genuine, respectful, dignified and truthful in their relations with self and others. There is no need to wear a mask. The down-to-earth, mom and pop bakery that decided not to wear a mask when marketing their goods probably sold more doughnuts because truth-in-advertising works. So-called "perfect" people wear a mask that hides one's true human identity.

To learn humility, it is important to be genuine and honest in order to face the truth about oneself; the good, the bad and the ugly so-to-speak. Self-revelation [by way of counseling and/or prayer] helps teach self-acceptance, self-respect and dignity. Self-revelation happens when a person can look into a mirror and see someone looking back who is not wearing a mask. It is humbling because the reflection would be an honest depiction of the person's humanity. From that starting point, a personal decision is made. Do I need to wear a mask or not? If I choose not to wear one, I can begin to see other people not wearing one, too. The person sees themself, and others, as human-beings.

It is an honest, simple and humbling revelation, devoid of any exaltation that underscores our common ground: There is one race, the human race.

For people who wrestle with their humanity, think of the eloquent words by Canadian songwriter, musician, poet and novelist, Leonard Cohen, who said, "There is a crack in everything. That's how the light gets in".

Thank you, Father Doug Bignall, for your inspirational sermons, which helped me to write this article for Stooltime Counseling!

Written by,
Mark Rogers, LPC.
Licensed Professional Counselor
(10/10)

Thanks for supporting Stooltime Counseling, Samantha!

THE STIGMA OF ADULTERY

2010-07-11T16:13:00.025-05:00

Michigan Adultery Law, excerpt from penal code, Act 328 of 1931
Chapter V
ADULTERY

750.29 Adultery; definition. Sec. 29.

Definition - Adultery is the sexual intercourse of 2 persons, either of whom is married to a third person.

750.30 Adultery; punishment. Sec. 30.

Punishment - Any person who shall commit adultery shall be guilty of a felony; and when the crime is committed between a married woman and a man who is unmarried, the man shall be guilty of adultery, and liable to the same punishment.

750.31 Adultery; complaint and time of prosecution. Sec. 31.

Complainant and time of prosecution to be commenced - No prosecution for adultery, under the preceding section, shall be commenced, but on the complaint of the husband or wife; and no such prosecution shall be commenced after 1 year from the time of committing the offense.

750.32 Adultery; cohabitation of divorced parties. Sec. 32.

Cohabitation by divorced parties - If any persons after being divorced from the bonds of matrimony for any cause whatever, shall cohabit together, they shall be liable to all the penalties provided by law against adultery.

The above information is NOT legal advice, nor does it constitute a legal opinion.

Here's my opinion:

Premise: It is society, at any given time, that determines stigma, law and enforcement of the law.

The stigma of adultery in the early 21st century is a lot like the stigma of drunk driving before the inception of Mothers Against Drunk Driving (MADD). There is very little stigma attached to it.

Before MADD insisted on stronger penalties for drunk driving, circa 1970's, drunk drivers who got caught either got a slap on the wrist from the court, or the police did not bother to arrest you (verbal warning only). Before the late 1970's, it was common for police to pull you over if you showed signs of drunk driving; however, the consequences that followed were different from what happens today. Before MADD, a drunk driving stop by the police could've resulted in the police pouring out any unfinished adult beverage onto the pavement and sending you home. If a drunk driver did appear in court, the lawyer would ask for a jury trial because ten out of twelve jury members probably drink and drive, too. The legal defense back then was to elicit sympathy and empathy from the jury.

Fast forward to the early 21st century. No more legal breaks are given if you're busted for drinking and driving. Prosecution is pretty much guaranteed. This is because of the social stigma attached to that kind of behavior. It took MADD to enlighten society, strengthen enforcement efforts by the police and encourage the courts to prosecute. Unfortunately, despite the stigma and consequences, some people still drink and drive. The question can be asked, "Are fewer people choosing to drink and drive now than before"? I believe, yes.

The parallel between the drunk driving stigma and adultery stigma goes like this: I believe the adultery stigma in the early 21st century is similar to the drunk driving stigma before MADD started doing their thing a few decades ago.

Is the law against adultery not enforced because the act is so common? Would ten out of twelve jurors have sympathy and empathy for an adulterer? Even if adultery is common, does it make it any less serious?

Some people call adultery a sin. It is certainly a betrayal of trust between spouses. Psychologically, the underlying motivation to commit adultery is to seek a thrill. Seeking a thrill can get a person in trouble if the behavior is illegal or immoral; and that's why it's a thrill. Nobody intends to get caught. I submit there are legal and moral ways to seek a thrill.

It will be interesting to see how long it takes for the act of adultery to become more of a social stigma again. It took MADD and the courts to eventually stigmatize and prosecute drunk drivers. Besides the church, who will step-up on this one?

All human-beings figureatively live in glass houses. Throwing stones is not a good idea, lest we get them thrown back at us. Nobody is perfect. However, all the free will in the world to make decisions that will affect personal lives is meaningless unless it is underscored with the concept of responsibleness. The person who responsibly rejects the option to commit adultery might be metaphorically thinking, "Why would I want to go out and have hamburger when I can stay home and have steak?"

What am I thinking, feeling and doing today that shows others and myself that I am a responsible person?

Written by,
Mark Rogers, LPC.
Licensed Professional Counselor.
(7/10).

Thanks for supporting Stooltime Counseling, Balue & Sukie!

FREEDOM AND RESPONSIBILITY: AN OASIS AND A DESERT

2010-06-25T10:34:00.021-05:00

I describe freedom as an oasis of excitement, and responsibility as a desert of boredom. To be free is very exciting. To be responsible can be very boring. Freedom is fun, responsibility is hard work. Can one exist without the other or are the two interdependent?

I believe society is beginning to grapple with that question as evidenced by radio and television talk show hosts like Bill O'Reilly making references about people behaving responsibly or not. I once counted Bill O'Reilly using the word, "responsible", or a synonym for the word, 10 times during one of his shows. Bill O'Reilly, and others, take a chance talking about responsibility and accountability because some people meander about in our no-fault society and don't buy into its value. It is my contention that more people need to get involved in the discussion about freedom and responsibility. An expanded national dialogue needs to happen. Where's the media when you need them to support my contention?

It has been a joy and a frustration to belong on two committees (Human Development and Public Relations) with the Statue Of Responsibility Foundation. The Foundation wants to organize people to privately fund the building of a new national monument that could expand the national dialogue on the theme of people thinking, feeling and acting responsibly. Does this already sound boring? It's no wonder why most of the media dismisses the need to cover the story.

The joy for me is doing something for which I feel passionate. I have the opportunity to meet a lot of influential people during my tenure with the Foundation. I am also grateful for being a part of an organized, grass roots effort that is building a new national monument that will supplement the Statue Of Liberty. What an impact it will have on America and the world! With freedom comes responsibility. With excitement comes the boredom. It almost sounds like a yin-yang kind of thing.

I also feel the joy to know there are plans by the Foundation to provide scholarships to kids after the monument, which will bookend the Statue Of Liberty, is built. Who couldn't use some financial support to pay for college?

The frustration for me is working to contact influential media sources, and not hearing back from most of them. Is "responsibility" too boring of a concept to be covered by the media? The media likes to project excitement and sensationalism. I suppose it will take a celebrity or other famous person to be named as the Foundation's national spokesperson before the Foundation's efforts to build the monument catches the attention of most of the media. Certainly, the book, "Responsibility 911" is on sale now, and being used to generate money that will be used to help build the monument. See the Foundation's website http://www.sorfoundation.org for details.

Here is a list of people/media I have contacted since joining the Foundation in August, 2005. Some were kind enough to respond, others were not.

President George W. Bush.

Maria Shriver, California first lady.

Bill Gates.

Rush Limbaugh.

David Limbaugh.

Sean Hannity.

Glenn Beck. (Invited to be a Goodwill Ambassador with the Foundation)

Neal Boortz.

Bill O'Reilly.

Michelle Malkin - Fox News Channel and blogger.

Professor Rothman - UNLV History Department.

Vince Swift - The Statue Of Liberty Club.

Oakland University Alumni Magazine, Michigan.

The Detroit Tigers Organization.

The Detroit Lions Organization.

Al Johnson - Fox 2 Detroit.

The Bay Voice Newspaper, Michigan.

The Macomb Daily Newspaper, Michigan.

Mort Crim Communications, Southfield, Michigan.

Comcast Newsmakers.

The Times Herald Newspaper, Port Huron, Michigan.

Senator Debbie Stabenow, Michigan.

Congresswoman Candice Miller, Michigan.

Representative Dan Acciavatti, Michigan.

Tim Allen. (Invited to be a Goodwill Ambassador with the Foundation)

Jay Leno.

Oprah Winfrey.

Retired Admiral Herbert Meyer. (Invited to be a Goodwill Ambassador with the Foundation)

Paul W. Smith, WJR 760 AM radio, Detroit.

Roger Goodell, NFL Commissioner.

Allan H. (Bud) Selig, MLB Commissioner.

David Stern, NBA Commissioner.

Gary Bettman, NHL Commissioner.

The Heritage Foundation.

The Drudge Report.

Senator John McCain.

Sarah Palin, Alaska Governor.

Anheuser-Busch, Inc., "Responsibility Matters" program.

Lets get the monument built!

Written by,
Mark Rogers, LPC.
Licensed Professional Counselor
(6/10).

The Great Pyrenees, Rocky, stands guard against predation while supporting Stooltime Counseling. Thank you, Rocky!

INCREASED SAFETY AND SECURITY

2010-06-25T09:15:00.012-05:00

To be a victim of a crime is a painful experience, whether it be a crime against property or person. The personal violation often prompts feelings of anger. The purpose of this article is to help readers decrease their chances of becoming a victim. There are never any guarantees in life, so the information can only be used as guidelines to increase one's safety and security in a world where the criminal element (enemy) has the desire (hurt, steal, bully), opportunity (a car or purse to steal, a person to rob) and ability (overpower, surprise, intimidate, use of technology or weapons) to inflict harm on innocent, law-abiding citizens.

What follows is some information I learned from two distinguished police officers during a work-site inservice. I want to thank the West Bloomfield police department for having two of their finest men present the information at an inservice entitled, "Service Provider Safety And Security". Thank you, Officer Rick Trabulsy and Sgt. Tom Keilman. I appreciate both of you giving me your verbal permission to write this article for my website.

Thank you for supporting Stooltime Counseling, Officer Rick Trabulsy and Sgt. Tom Keilman! I am honored.

VICTIMIZATION OVERVIEW:

The offender has a plan. It includes the desire, opportunity and ability to commit a crime.

The desire is connected to the criminal's observations of potential victims. No matter where we go, criminals are observing their potential victims. It could be at the grocery store, where 90% of the shoppers are female, who carry purses. It could be the garbage man or mail man, who can sell our personal information to criminals.

The opportunity is related to the criminal making contact with the victim. Approach tactics are used to get close to an intended victim.

The stranger approach happens in a moment. The victim does not know the criminal in this scenario. Purse snatchings, muggings or car jackings are some examples.

The casual approach takes time to develop. This could be the "nice" man who meets an unsuspecting female victim on the internet, develops her trust by wining and dining her and then robs her blind by stealing her credit cards or something similar.

The family approach is related to situations concerning domestic violence. Abuse or neglect of any kind underscores the family approach of the criminal.

The ability to commit a crime is connected to the actual confrontation with the victim. To stop the criminal from getting to this part of their plan, a potential victim needs to eliminate the criminal's opportunity. Whoever has the best plan, wins.

DEVELOPING A TACTICAL PRESENTATION:

The best defense is a good offense.

Be aware of your surroundings.

Dress to win.

Implement assertive body language by walking with a purpose and making eye contact with strangers. For example, the incidence of shop lifting or retail fraud is greatly reduced when store employees make eye contact with customers as they enter the store.

Think two or three steps ahead at all times so the criminal has less of an opportunity to use the element of surprise.

Have an inventory of aggressive verbal responses if confronted by a criminal. Yell to draw attention. Use simple words like, "Stop", "Fire", "Get back", "No" or "911". Avoid using the word, "Rape", because bystanders could turn a deaf ear for fear of getting involved in something that doesn't concern them.

Trust your intuition or 6th sense when out in public. A denial of potential danger is the greatest enemy of intuition. Be aware!

Train to win or have a positive view of escaping potential danger. Have a plan and practice it. Visualize yourself winning against the criminal. Evaluate/adapt your plan as needed.

Another key to safety is to take someone with you when going out in public like the shopping mall.

ENEMIES OF THE CRIMINAL:

Extended time: A criminal wants to do a crime fast. Locking your doors (car, home) and having an alarm system extends the time needed to commit a crime. This doesn't mean the criminal stops being a criminal. Crime prevention is a fallacy. However, by extending the time needed to commit a crime, the crime is moved somewhere else because the criminal then looks for the opportunity to commit a crime elsewhere.

Light: From dusk to dawn, have some kind of lighting turned-on in your home. Avoid walking in dark areas on the street.

Noise: Alarms, horns, whistles, and yelling all draw attention to the criminal. Drawing attention is something the criminal does not want during the commission of a crime.

DEFENSIVE TACTICS, STRATEGIES AND SKILLS:

The goal of a potential victim is to ESCAPE a dangerous situation.

It is a personal choice to use a counter attack to defend yourself or not defend yourself, based on the circumstances. You must have confidence in yourself and your abilities if you choose the former.

To repeat, the goal is to get away, to escape. If you choose to defend yourself, your counter attack must be quick and vicious.

FACTORS TO CONSIDER IF YOU ARE ASSAULTED:

The assailant is probably stronger than you, and may have a weapon.

The assailant has the advantage of surprise.

The assailant has picked the time and location of the attack.

The attacker will intimidate with threats of injury or other consequences.

Your fear may paralyze your thinking and response.

If your attacker is armed with a weapon DO NOT resist, but if it is your life, do what is necessary.

If you are confronted by multiple assailants, resist only if absolutely necessary.

If an attacker is after property, give it up! Resisting may make the encounter escalate.

Avoid being taken to a second crime scene/location.

ESCAPE CONSIDERATIONS AND TACTICS:

Run to safety, not away from danger.

Do not hesitate when it comes to escaping.

Get objects (like a car) or noise (blow a whistle, yelling, car horn) between you and the assailant. Do whatever is necessary to draw attention to yourself.

Hide only if your general location is unknown, if there are numerous available options to go, or if help is not near.

Keep thinking ahead. Re-evaluate your plan as needed.

Your best weapons are your awareness and a good tactical presentation.

Learning self-defense skills:

If you are able to learn self-defense skills (martial arts, other training), by all means, get the training. Learning and practicing self-defense skills helps improve your confidence so you can develop a plan to help you escape from dangerous situations.

Be safe!

Written by,
Mark Rogers, LPC.
Licensed Professional Counselor
(6/10).

UNDERSTANDING CRIME

2010-06-25T07:33:00.021-05:00

It's difficult to understand a problem when there are so many causes. Cancer is one such problem, but then so is crime. This doesn't mean we as a society should give-up or quit trying to understand crime and criminal behavior. Understanding a problem is one of the first steps to doing something about it. I am not a forensic expert, nor am I versed in the study of criminal justice. What I want to offer in this article is my opinion as an ordinary citizen, who is concerned about the perception that more and more of the world is becoming lawless and violent.

I read about violent crime in the newspaper, hear horrific stories on the radio and see disgusting examples of predatory human behavior gone awry on the television every day. It is pathetic how some people treat others. Murders, rapes, school shootings, domestic violence, and the list goes on. If it bleeds, it leads in the media. Sometimes I just scratch my head and ask myself, "Is human nature basically evil or is it something else"? ("Evil" means the absence of "good", just like "darkness" means the absence of "light"). I don't pretend to have the answers, but I do have some insights, based on what some of the experts have said and written.

What are some of the causes of crime?

The absence of God in school? If this were true, it could imply that non-believers are automatically lawless people. That would be ridiculous.

Mental illness? I believe that there are more mentally ill people who are victims of crime than who commit crimes. This is not a fair example of a scapegoat to explain the crime rate.

Cities asking for federal funding? Does the reported crime rate go up when a city needs more money to pay for police protection? How does this happen?

The Great Society's war on poverty? This one doesn't explain white collar crime or corruption in the political arena. Criminal behavior shows no preference to socio-economic status.

The media's role? Has the crime rate, per capita in society, always been the same, but because we live in the age of information, we know more about it than we did 100 years ago?

Social engineers? How important is it to instill fear in our youth so that they can learn to tell the difference between right and wrong? Social engineers say it is abusive to use corporal punishment in school and at home; that it teaches kids to be violent. Other people say sparing the rod spoils the child; some youngsters need to be applauded with just one hand. [Note: In 2010, there are 21 American states that allow some form of corporal punishment in the schools].
Parent's role? Is it fair to blame the parents of kids who act out-of-control? How many kids join gangs because there is no positive validation and acknowledgement at home? I will say that parenting is a skill that does not require a license.

Personality disorders? One example is the anti-social personality. Anti-social types have no empathy for their fellow human-being. Some report an inability to feel any emotions. When asked, "Why did you commit that crime?", a typical response might be, "Because I can". Others might respond, "I'm addicted to chasing the rush it gives me". By itself, medication does not help improve the prognosis. Some recent studies, based on the brain scan results of psychopathic killers, suggest that Omega 3 nutrition started in early childhood, in addition to having specific environmental influences (being taught how to give and receive adaptive love), can lessen the chances of someone insidiously behaving in anti-social ways. It's called nourishing and teaching the frontal lobe cortex. Anything humane that can prevent, lessen or treat cognitive/affective/behavioral pathology has socially redeeming value.

Illicit drugs? Some people call illicit drug use a "victimless crime", and that if society legalized illicit drugs, the jails would have room to house the truly violent criminals. They might be the same people who have never gone face-to-face with a crack head, who would do anything to get another rock.

Prescribed medications? The mainstream medical community needs to be acutely aware of this one. Risks and benefits of all medications need to be explained to people before they are prescribed and dispensed. It is the responsibility of the doctor to monitor the effectiveness, or lack thereof, of any prescribed medication. It is the responsibility of the person receiving the medication to report any side effects to their doctor.

Access to guns or other weapons? Having access to guns is protected by the United States Constitution, and is legal if the person has a permit or license to carry one, and has no history of a mental illness or felony record. Even though guns scare the crap out of me, I would feel safer in a room with someone who is law abiding, sober and packing heat than with someone who isn't a law abiding citizen.

The economy? Can the lack of available gainful employment cause even honest people to act dishonestly? Whose responsibility is it to have marketable skills in order to compete in the job market?

Eating dinner with family? With all the theories about crime, the one that has been consistent through time: The vast majority of people in prison never ate dinner as a family.

One's thought process? At the heart of all crime (bullying, robbing, killing, assaulting, political corruption, other), the perpetrator or assailant has the attitude, "I am better than you".

Written by,
Mark Rogers, LPC.
Licensed Professional Counselor
(6/10)

HEROES AND HEROINES

2007-02-26T11:50:00.003-05:00

WHO IS YOUR HERO OR HEROINE?

A HERO is a man of exceptional quality who is admired for what he does. A female hero is called a HEROINE. Some typical examples include parents, athletes and teachers, but can be anybody whose perceived status is held in high regard by at least one person. People tend to emulate their heroes because there is a part of us who wants to be like the person we admire. Sometimes this becomes a problem when we diminish our own value as a human being at the expense of imitating someone else. There's a difference between looking for that hero from within and without.

Take for example butt cleavage. You ask, what's the connection between the visible split down one's backside and heroes or heroines? The fashion trend started somewhere by somebody. Young people looked from without and found role-models for butt cleavage. This is not a joke about plumbers. Word on the street has it that the fashion statement of wearing one's pants half way down one's hips started as one way to emulate prisoners in jail. Prisoners are not allowed to wear a belt on their pants, and so the pants tend to slide down a little. The look is strictly for young people because the older we get, the higher the waistline becomes. Even though parts of our society detest criminal behavior, other parts seem to be emulating it by dressing in like-fashion.

When we look for the hero or heroine from within, we value who we are and can confidently define our self-concept. We have learned to be comfortable with how we are different and unique from others.

To look for the hero or heroine from without means we are still comparing ourselves to others because we may not have a clear definition of our self-concept.

There are three parts to the self-concept:
I see myself as ...
Others see me as ...
Ideally, I see myself as ...

Most people would say that it's okay to look-up to others whom we respect and admire. For example, it's natural to figureatively put our heroes and heroines on a pedestal.

If we value how our parents raised us, our dad may be our hero, and our mom is our heroine. A talented athlete who has served the community well may also get placed on that figureative pedestal in the eyes of many fans. I want to remember the teachers who do an exceptional job in helping to create a new generation of outstanding students and citizens. They are definitely heroes and heroines. As for the butt cleavage, when a young person decides he/she no longer wants to "stick it to the man" (welcome to mainstream society because most people out-grow the rebellious, anti-authority stage when they become parents), the pants will find the true waistline.

With all of that said, each of us starts somewhere when we decide to pick our heroes and heroines. The journey usually begins at home with ourself. If we see our heroes and heroines as hard-working, high-achieving, responsible people, we are really describing ourselves. It is human nature to project ourself onto others. When we can own the traits and characteristics we ascribe to our heroes and heroines, we learn that each of us is our own best hero or heroine.

Who is your hero or heroine? When you know who it is, in a sense, you are seeing yourself, butt cleavage or not!

Written by,
Mark S. Rogers, LPC.
Licensed Professional Counselor
(7/06)

Thanks for supporting Stooltime Counseling, Danielle!

WORDS ARE AS POWERFUL AS STICKS AND STONES

2007-02-26T11:24:00.001-05:00

TREATING SELF AND OTHERS WITH DIGNITY AND RESPECT

"Sticks and stones may break my bones, but names will never harm me." Maybe not. The study of BEHAVIORAL KINESIOLOGY is showing how verbal abuse can do damage to the body like physical abuse. Verbal abuse may not leave any outward physical scars, but it could damage the body's defenses in other ways to weaken it, leading to other physical problems.

Measuring the impact of verbal abuse on the body:

Name calling is an angry behavior, and can be viewed as verbally abusive toward the intended target. Lets say we have two people standing face-to-face. One person acts as the aggressor, the other is the target of verbally abusive name calling. The job of the target is to listen to what the aggressor has to say while holding-out both arms so they are perpendicular to the floor on either side of the body. The job of the aggressor is to talk smack to the target, and to make it very personal. While the verbal rampage is happening, the aggressor reaches out with two fingers in an attempt to push-down one of the target's arms while the target resists. In most cases, the arm goes down almost immediately to illustrate the weakening of the target's physical strength during the verbal abuse. The same target is more likely to resist the pushing-down motion when there is no verbal abuse occurring.

Three rules for relationships:
THE GOLDEN RULE
THE PLATINUM RULE*
OBEY THE FIRST TWO RULES

1) The Golden rule is, DO UNTO OTHERS AS YOU WOULD HAVE THEM DO UNTO YOU.

2) The Platinum rule is, DO UNTO OTHERS AS THEY WANT TO BE DONE UNTO.

3) Choose a color, gold or platinum, and observe how the relationship commands dignity and respect!

Based on the options above, who honestly enjoys being the target of verbal abuse? It is human nature to become defensive, as a way to protect ourselves, if we are a target. There are things we can do to protect ourselves if we become a target of verbal abuse.

One way is to work on improving our self-esteem so angry words can bounce off of us. It still hurts to hear someone talk smack to us, but the person with healthy self-esteem has learned what words to accept and reject as an actual depiction of their self-concept. Another way is to learn to be assertive with angry people who express like feelings in disrespectful ways.

One way we can use words to improve our self-esteem is to use positive self-talk whenever possible. This means learning to stop verbally abusing ourselves with an internal dialogue that is negative. Positive self-talk is one way to practice self-respect.

Example:
Rather than say, "I'm stupid," after making an honest mistake, say, "I'm not happy with what I did. What can I do different the next time?"

A person working to improve their self-esteem is more likely to use positive self-talk. People with low self-esteem tend to accept the negative self-talk at face value rather than learn how to reframe it. When our self-esteem is on the road to becoming healthy, we treat ourselves with dignity and respect.

To be assertive with others who verbally abuse us means learning a communication skill called, "Verbal Judo." It involves deflecting and moving techniques as a way to sidestep the verbal abuse we hear when others feel the need to talk in a hostile manner.

For example:
Hostile Aggressor: "You idiot! What's wrong with you?"
Assertive Target: "I'm glad you can express your anger so freely (deflection), and I don't deserve being called an idiot (moving). Lets talk to each other in a civil manner, and maybe we'll get somewhere." (more moving)

[Verbally abusive people have low self-esteem and need to criticize others as one way to feel powerful or better than their target. Use positive self-talk and verbal judo to side-step the verbal assault. It's like learning how to say to an aggressor, "No matter what you say or do to me, I'm still a worthwhile person!"]

When we are assertive with others, everybody gets acknowledged and validated. If people did this all the time, I might not have a job as a counselor. People come to counseling to be acknowledged and validated because that need is not being met elsewhere. The need might be missing within a marriage, at work or how we treat ourselves. Additionally, when we incorporate either the golden or platinum rule as part of the foundation for a relationship, we are treating others with dignity and respect.

* "The Platinum Rule" is a registered trademark term by Dr. Tony Alessandra, a motivational speaker, who has granted permission for Stooltime Counseling to use it for this article. http://www.alessandra.com

Written by,
Mark S. Rogers, LPC.
Licensed Professional Counselor
(6/06)

HYSTERIA

2007-02-26T11:06:00.001-05:00

Greek for "WANDERING UTERUS"

The word, HYSTERIA, is Greek in origin and means, "WANDERING UTERUS." Medical treatment for hysterical, ancient greek women included a genital massage to put the wandering uterus back into its place. The procedure was supposed to have a calming effect on the signs and symptoms of histrionic women. By today's standards, ancient Greek doctors would be called sexist, get sued for malpractice and most likely lose their medical license. Those were certainly different times than today, but a couple things about this strike me as interesting:

What kind of medical treatment did hysterical men receive for their histrionic behavior during that time of human evolution? Men do not have a uterus, but can act hysterically.

Mass hysteria is a term commonly used to describe volumes of out-of-control people, who are probably in a panic due to hearing extremely negative information. For example, it is illegal to yell, "Fire," in a crowded theatre, despite our free speech, because to do so could lead to the trampling of people as everyone rushes to get out of the building at the same time.

Is "hysteria" an unmanaged fear over an imagined problem or is it just a wastebasket diagnosis given by doctors who don't have the foggiest idea what else to call it when someone's irrational behavior is driven by emotional excesses? What are the signs and symptoms of someone who is acting hysterically?

Some signs include:

Irrational behavior with an aggressive, dramatic, anxious and sometimes angry twist.

Yelling and screaming while jumping up and down and getting in someone's face to make a point is a specific example. Sometimes behavior like this is rewarded as evidenced by the phrase, "The squeaky wheel gets the grease." Sometimes behavior like this can take its toll on the body as evidenced by losing ones voice or vision during all the commotion.

Some symptoms include:

Extreme feelings of anxiety and excitability or any subjective report that comes close to describing a "nervous breakdown."

TO BE CONTINUED ...

Written by,
Mark S. Rogers, LPC.
Licensed Professional Counselor
(1/06)

CHOICES ARE COMMITMENTS

2007-02-26T10:51:00.016-05:00

FREEDOM OF CHOICE AND PERSONAL RESPONSIBILITY

Most people don't like being told what to think, how to feel or what to do because most people want to figure it out for themselves. It's a sign of independence and an exercise of free will. The choices we make help us decide how we want to live our lives, and are as personal as our thoughts, feelings and actions. We are making personal choices from the time we wake-up (What do I want to do today?) until we decide to go to bed (How much sleep do I want tonight?). Some choices are easy, others require deliberate thought or reflection. Sometimes, too, we decide to change our mind after having made a choice. The freedom to choose is a skill, and can be as simple as deciding between A, B or C, and as complex and meaningful as the commitment it represents.

Think of that uneasy feeling we may get when our doctor confronts us about how we may be neglecting our health and fitness levels. The doctor says, "You need to do X, Y and Z or A, B and C will happen to you." We may become defensive, given the authoritarian tone of the doctor's message. After all, given our freedom to choose, each of us is in control of our own destiny, whether that means paying attention to our health and fitness or neglecting it. Doctors who practice good bedside manner know that they can attract more flies with honey than with vinegar. This means the doctor RECOMMENDS that we do X, Y and Z, based on clinical findings, thereby inviting us to become accountable for our own health and fitness. Instead of feeling defensive, we leave the doctor's office feeling emboldened with the courage to begin making some new choices on our own terms. The new choices we make represent a change-of-mind.

After having made a choice, there is always the option to change our mind. All of us have the right to change our mind and make new choices when provided new information that impacts what we think, feel and do. Sometimes, however, changing our mind can come back to haunt us if it takes on the appearance of a lack of commitment. Choice without commitment is like a renege. Lets move from the health and fitness realm to the political arena to illustrate the point: CHOICES ARE COMMITMENTS.

Taken from Letters To The Editor, Detroit Free Press, July 6th, 1990:

BUSH SHOWS GUTS, BUT WHAT ABOUT INTEGRITY?

"President George Bush has more guts than I thought. That's probably why I voted for him. As I read his lips a couple years ago, he had promised "no new taxes." Now he is thinking about changing his mind. He has the right to change his mind. He has the guts to take that risk.For a moment I want to forget about values such as integrity and credibility. Right now I'm busy thinking about changing my mind, too. For example, for whom do I want to vote during the next presidential election? For me, it's contingent on how far President Bush wants to stretch his thinking on the subject of new taxes. Even though I appreciate the man for his guts, I resent his thinking at the same time for wanting to break a campaign promise."

[NOTE: Sometimes changing our mind works, sometimes it doesn't. Some people thought the presidential renege on a campaign promise (saying one thing, but doing another) contributed to daddy Bush being a one term president].

There are times when we make a choice and do not turn back. Jumping out of an air plane to sky dive is one example. There are other times we make a choice, but later change our mind. Either way, it's important to know that our choices are commitments. Ultimately, when we make a choice, or change our mind to represent a new choice, we are responsible for the thoughts, feelings and actions that underscore it.

Know yourself, trust yourself and CHOOSE YOURSELF because it is probably the most important choice we can make. It's a reflection of our ability to make an informed decision, based on who we are and what we want to become.

Written by,
Mark S. Rogers, LPC.
Licensed Professional Counselor
(8/05)

Thanks for supporting Stooltime Counseling, Dr. Lu, SUPERSTAR!

EFFICIENCY AND EXPEDIENCY ON-THE-JOB

2007-02-26T09:48:00.003-05:00

HOW TO REGULATE THESE IMPORTANT CULTURAL VALUES LIKE A METAPHORICAL CHEETAH

Interpersonal/Psychological
Fitness/Fatigue
Technical/Tactical
Prayer

It takes a number of skills to effectively function and compete in a world that promotes values like efficiency and expediency. Is there a correlation between being efficient and expedient and having the ability to survive and succeed? I suppose it depends on how we define "survival" and "success". Many people would agree that we are being asked to do more with less, and to do it as fast as we can. Most visibly it's happening in the work place, the environment that drives our economy and allows us to earn a paycheck so we can pay our bills, save money and buy the creature comforts that help make life enjoyable.

When we begin to feel anxious at work, we are probably beginning to feel overwhelmed. This could be a result of many things. Do I feel comfortable with my skills? How would I judge my ability to multi-task? Could I use some help with time management? How do I fit-in to my work environment, given my interests, skills, abilities, etc? What do I need to do to manage my work environment and reaction to it?

Here are some ideas:

Enlist the support of co-workers and the management team. Find people with whom you can talk, vent your feelings and exchange ideas. Move from feeling independent to interdependent. In other words, work as a team.

Reframe the negative thoughts and be positive! Rather than think, "I'll never get this job done," think, "Doing one thing at a time will eventually get the job done. I am persistent!"

It helps to live in the moment at work, focusing on the task at hand rather than the desired result. Professional athletes use this technique during game time. For example, football players concentrate on one play at a time rather than winning the game. Winning the game is the goal, yet there are action steps or objectives that are met prior to winning. Focus on the task at hand, and be positive to increase chances of winning!

Find ways to manage stress. This could mean going to the gym to work-out/blow-off some steam after a challenging day at work. What about taking up a hobby as a way to find a distraction from the work day? Be creative, and keep it healthy. Alcohol use probably won't work because its use could create a separate problem later.

Always work on self-improvement. This could mean taking new classes to learn new skills. Stay competitive at work by updating already used on-the-job skills.

Keep a positive outlook. Find a "positive" with every "negative" that gets thrown your way. Even the loss of one's job could be a "positive" if it means finding something better to replace it. Don't be that person who goes to the proctologist and opthamologist for a consult. That person probably has a crappy outlook on life!

Be aware of your breathing to remain centered and grounded. Use deep breathing techniques when your breaths feel short and shallow to slow down a fast pulse and racing thoughts. If you work at a desk and can do this, get up and walk around every so often for a few minutes to stretch your muscles.

If we are fortunate, a membership to the 3-F club is helpful: Faith, Family and Friends. This trio packs a wallup in the support department! The three can be very helpful in defusing distress when the support is mutual.

I'm open to hearing other ideas. What has helped you to successfully compete on-the-job? Please write a comment to me to list your ideas so others can learn from your experience. Thank you!

SUPERCHARGE ME!

Written by,
Mark S. Rogers, LPC.
Licensed Professional Counselor
(8/05)

Thank you for supporting Stooltime Counseling, Ryan!

STOOLTIME COUNSELING OPERATION: WORKOUT

2007-02-25T02:59:00.027-05:00

Earn A Workout At The BrickHouse Gym With The Stoolman AND An STC Ball Cap

Stooltime Counseling celebrates its anniversary every July 4th since 2001. Let me take a minute to thank everyone who has acknowledged my work in one way or another since 2001. As a token of my appreciation, I am offering a special promotion. This article explains the promotion, which is interactive in nature, and takes a different direction from others I have written. It is your chance to earn one free gym workout with me, and receive a free Stooltime Counseling ball cap for showing up at the gym.

I plan to stay busy, putting pen to paper, writing articles for this website. The invitation goes out to my readers to write to me about your "fitness" story. Your effort could empower you to be my guest at a local gym, and acquire a free STC baseball hat on the day we workout together.

One person each month will earn the opportunity to be my guest at the BrickHouse gym in Mt. Clemens, Michigan. At the gym, we will talk about your fitness goals and tailor a workout to meet your individual fitness needs. You will also receive a free Stooltime Counseling ball cap ($20.00 value) that can be used as part of your workout attire. After we're done, there will be an opportunity to talk about the workout experience as one way to verbally reinforce your efforts.

Here is what I am asking you to do:
In 200 words or less, essay format, tell me what important lessons in life have taught you or a loved one to either begin or want to begin a doctor recommended regular exercise plan. How were you (or they) encouraged, inspired, motivated or supported?

This written exercise requires the author to wear a thinking cap, and to include some passion and feeling into what is being written.

I ask that you contact me by way of e-mail or snail mail.

All age groups are invited to participate, but if you are a minor, and your essay is one of the twelve I choose each year, I ask that your parent or guardian accompany you to the gym.

I request that each of the twelve chosen essay writers every year have medical clearance to participate in resistance (strength/weight training) and endurance (aerobic) work.

The BrickHouse gym is located in Mt. Clemens, Michigan, and it is up to you to get there on your own or with help from your parent or guardian.

The BrickHouse Gym has qualified and capable fitness staff, who are available during workout hours. Currently, I am not a certified fitness instructor, but I am a certified sports counselor, who is passionate about working-out!

All essays become the property of Stooltime Counseling unless you ask that yours be returned. If you have any questions or comments about this promotion, please contact me for clarification.

I will accept essays on an ongoing basis for an indefinite period of time.

Thank you and GOOD LUCK!

Written by,
Mark S. Rogers, LPC.
Licensed Professional Counselor and
Certified Sports Counselor, Diplomate
(6/05)

Thanks for showing Stooltime Counseling readers you support this website, Marissa and Ken! I appreciate it.

Please Note:
Sadly, in June, 2011, the BrickHouse gym closed its doors. Gym memberships were subsequently transferred to Metro Family Fitness gym located in Clinton Township, MI. Gladly, beginning June, 2011, the above referenced offer applies to working-out there as opposed to the BrickHouse gym. Here's a link to their website: Metro Family Fitness.

THE SCHOOL OF HARD KNOCKS

2007-02-24T00:49:00.009-05:00

WHAT IS YOUR APPROACH TO LEARNING?

It is reasonable to say that as adults, we have the right to choose our destiny and direction in life, based on the premise that life is about choices. There is a direct correlation between the choices we make and our motivation to set personal goals to help us realize our human potential. It is easier said than done because sometimes we make bad choices that can hurt us. When this happens, it is easier to think of the word, "failure," as opposed to using more mental effort to view a poor choice as a mistake with a lesson to be learned. What we become in life is the result of what we think, feel and do. If we want things to be different, to be better, we need to change what we think, feel and do. This might mean re-evaluating our self-perception and goals so they are more realistic. The alternative is to enroll in the school of hard knocks, a place for people who are overly self-critical and do not learn from their mistakes.

How do we know if we are a student at the school of hard knocks? One clue may be dissatisfaction with life. It's normal to feel dissatisfaction, anger and frustration as fleeting, subjective experiences. However, when the emotional pain is chronic, there may be a problem that needs immediate attention.

One way to increase a feeling of satisfaction with life is to set goals. Goals provide us with a sense of direction and focus. How frustrating must it be for the person whose goal is not to have any goals? How many parents can relate as they watch their kids flounder, despite their best efforts to provide them with rules, structure, guidance, discipline, boundaries and love? A person who has no goals is like a fish out of water: floundering.

BASIC QUESTIONS TO ASK AS WE SET GOALS:

What do I want to achieve?
What is my strategy?
Who else can help me achieve my goal?
How will I know when I have achieved my goal?

Sometimes in life we learn the hard way. How many of us become frustrated while working to achieve a goal? How many of us give up due to the frustration rather than re-evaluate the goal(s) and try again? Most of us can give testimony to this with one example or another. Who hasn't had a lapse in judgement or made a mistake that would qualify as a measure of our tenure at the school of hard knocks? Everyone makes mistakes, and then we pay the price. To the person who does not learn from their mistakes, the school of hard knocks offers the Valedictorian award.

A candidate for the Salutatorian award at the school of hard knocks is the person who feels invincible. ("I can do what I want, how I want, when I want, with whom I want, where I want.") A lot of adverbs to use (who, what, where, when, how) as an excuse for irresponsible behavior and to justify "invincibility." Sometimes a sense of invincibility comes with a high price tag.

For example, there is a price to pay by the student who drops-out of school for whatever reason. This person eventually learns that our society values education. Employers view students who graduate as "teachable" people, who are more likely to find a job than someone who doesn't graduate. (Drop-outs, who later become self-employed, are an exception).

Despite what the ego might think, nobody is invincible. An aura of invincibility needs to be tempered with a sense of responsibility to avoid going to the school of hard knocks. There's a difference between taking calculated vs. uncalculated risks in order to grow as a person. It is a miscalculation to believe we can do whatever we want, whenever we want. This miscalculation lends itself to irresponsible behavior when we negate the rights of others to please ourselves. Conversely, taking calculated risks (actively using the mind and behaving in a reasonable manner) is a sign of responsibleness.

The school of hard knocks figureatively does exist. It can be found in the minds, hearts and actions of any one of us. Residency can be temporary or permanent. It is good to know that we have a choice whether or not we attend for long or short periods of time. It does not need to be a place where we find ourselves most of the time. Nor does it need to be the school where we earn our diploma.

Learning from our mistakes, setting reasonable goals, taking calculated risks in our quest to realize our human potential and being responsible are ways to minimize our involvement at the school of hard knocks. It's an easier way to go through life, but it requires mindful, heartfelt, doable effort.

Thoughts, Feelings, Actions: STOOLTIME COUNSELING!

Written by,
Mark S. Rogers, LPC.
Licensed Professional Counselor
(5/05)

THE PATHOLOGY OF A VICTIM MENTALITY

2007-02-22T22:46:00.000-05:00

CHOOSE TO BE NOBODY'S SCAPEGOAT

DECIDING TO BE AN EMOTIONAL VICTOR RATHER THAN VICTIM

The word, VICTIM, can mean different things. To be a victim of a crime means having been preyed upon by a criminal. To be a victim of domestic violence means living with a spouse or significant other who treats you with disrespect, hostility and aggression. To be a victim of circumstance reminds me of Curly from the Three Stooges because that was one of his favorite lines. "I'm a victim of circumstance! Yuk, yuk, yuk." It is not funny for any of us who has been a victim of anything. In fact, it hurts because as a victim, there is a certain degree of suffering that takes place. It could be mental/emotional anguish or anger at the perceived loss of control we have over a situation. Our thoughts, feelings and actions decide whether or not we choose to become victims or victors.

One of the easiest ways to become a VICTIM is to believe that other people have control over how we feel. It is irrational to think others have control over our emotions. First, NOBODY has control over their own emotions, let alone believing others have control over them. Second, it is more logical to acknowledge and validate ownership of our feelings than to give that power to others.

Nobody has the power to MAKE anyone feel anything. Rather, each of us has the power to manage how we feel, based on what we think and what we do. There's a difference between owning our feelings and believing others MAKE us feel anything. The key is to use "I" statements as opposed to "YOU" statements. Maintain ownership of the power to think, feel and act as an individual to avoid becoming an emotional VICTIM. It is one way to be more assertive rather than passive.

IRRATIONAL:
"You MAKE me feel ____ because ____."

RATIONAL :
"I feel ____ because ____."

ASSERTIVE, EMPOWERING self-talk can be the difference between deciding to be a VICTIM or VICTOR. (Some examples):

VICTIM:
"My boss set me up to fail so he could try to fire me. He makes me feel angry for what he did."

VICTOR:
"I feel extremely upset for having failed to do what was asked by my boss. I feel like a failure. I need to talk with my boss to develop a plan of correction so I can learn from this experience."

VICTIM:
"My spouse treats me like dirt. My spouse makes me feel inferior, like a punching bag."

VICTOR:
"I am not happy because my spouse verbally and physically abuses me. Even though I am afraid to leave the relationship, I need to be safe. I will ask my spouse to go to counseling with me so we can improve our relationship. Maybe we both need to make some changes. If my spouse doesn't want help, I will still get some help on my own. It is important to me to be safe."

VICTIM:
"What is wrong with my teacher? My teacher made me flunk that test. My teacher makes me feel stupid!"

VICTOR:
"I need to examine what I did wrong on the test so I can redeem myself the next time. I am frustrated for having flunked the exam, and I know I can do better when I apply myself to the work. It hurts to fail. Next test, I will be more prepared to show the teacher what I am learning. Maybe I can do some extra-credit work to make up for the one failing test grade. I'll go talk with my teacher."

VICTIM:
Flip Wilson's character, Geraldine, saying, "The devil made me do it!"

VICTOR:
"It's disheartening and embarrassing when I make bad choices, and I take full responsibility for the fall-out. What can I do to make it up to you?"

It is up to each of us to decide how we want to live our lives:

We can choose the passive approach and become an emotional VICTIM. As a VICTIM, we basically blame other people for how we feel. A rational person does not want to give this perception of power to other people. As a VICTIM, we negate our ability to think, feel and act on our own.

On the other hand, we can choose a more assertive approach and become an emotional VICTOR. As a VICTOR, we have learned to take ownership of our thoughts, feelings and behaviors. With this approach, others are responsible for what they think, feel and do as well.

When we learn that everyone is responsible for themself, there will be fewer martyrs, I mean VICTIMS.

Written by,
Mark S. Rogers, LPC.
Licensed Professional Counselor
(4/05)

DEVELOPMENTAL STAGES OF LIFE

2007-02-22T22:40:00.000-05:00

as postulated by Eric Erikson

Trust vs. Mistrust
Autonomy vs. Shame and Doubt
Initiative vs. Guilt
Industry vs. Inferiority
Identity vs. Role Diffusion
Intimacy vs. Isolation
Generativity vs. Stagnation
Integrity vs. Despair

TRUST -vs- MISTRUST:
Developed in the first year of life. At this stage, an infant develops an attachment to the parents, whose job is to protect the infant from danger. The goal is to help the infant feel safe and secure. The infant's basic needs are met. The infant learns to make some primitive decisions: Do people care? Can I trust others? It is later in life, when as adults, we are more sophisticated to know that TRUST occurs on many levels. We learn to trust someone for one thing, but maybe not for something else.

AUTONOMY -vs- SHAME AND DOUBT:
Developed between the ages of one and three. The toddler begins to explore the environment, which helps to develop independence. Learning how to walk on your own is symbolic of developing autonomy. The toddler also needs to receive ATTENTION, APPROVAL, ACCEPTANCE, ADMIRATION and AFFIRMATION. This contributes to a sense of BELONGING and begins to build a strong foundation for the development of SELF-ESTEEM. The toddler learns how to GIVE and TAKE, how to avoid SHAMING and being SHAMED.

INITIATIVE -vs- GUILT:
Developed between the ages of three and five (pre-school). The child begins to learn how to be responsible, which increases INITIATIVE. Behaving irresponsibly (disobedience to parents) could lead to the child feeling anxious and guilty. Ideally, the child learns the difference between functional and dysfunctional GUILT. The former helps to shape the child's conscience; the latter is maladaptive and has a negative impact on the child's self-concept.

TO BE CONTINUED ...

Written by,
Mark S. Rogers, LPC.
Licensed Professional Counselor
(12/04)

ANGER: IT CAN EITHER CREATE OR DESTROY

2007-02-22T00:13:00.002-05:00

"If the only tool available is a hammer, then every problem becomes a nail."

There are five major groups of emotions: MAD, SAD, GLAD, FEAR and CONFUSED. This article will focus on ANGER. To feel angry might mean being frustrated, annoyed, irritated, furious, resentful, bitter, enraged, upset, paranoid, hostile, critical, grumpy, intimidating or just plain NOT HAPPY!

ANGER has been given a bad rap because most people associate it with an expression of violence. Behaviors like road rage, domestic violence, rape, murder, temper tantrums, assault and battery, terrorism and verbal abuse have contributed to the stigma of ANGER. ANGER need not be expressed in anti-social ways. There are ways to regulate it so nobody gets hurt.

The first step to a functional, healthy, adaptive and positive behavioral expression of ANGER is to acknowledge when we feel angry. Fill in the blank: I feel mad because _______.

The next step is to tolerate the angry energy we feel. This means learning how to develop a commitment to calmness. What was I thinking prior to feeling angry? What can I think instead? Sometimes taking a few deep breaths can help to put things in perspective. A relaxation response (positive self-talk, deep breathing) can be a preference to the fight or flight response. It is useful to learn how to breathe deeply so that we can slow down a racing pulse that is precipitated by an angry thought. I recommend practicing a few deep breaths (slowly inhale through the nose, slowly exhale out the mouth) every morning so that when it comes time to use this skill, it is automatic.

Road rage is an ugly expression of ANGER. Rather than participate in this destructive behavior, we can choose to create a positive outcome. Instead of trying to control the reckless driver who dangerously cuts in front of you without signaling (one of my pet peeves because there is a lack of acknowledgement to share the road), we can control our reaction, which is more rational. It begins with a thought (Do we take it personally?), that affects how we feel (angry), which is influenced by our actions (fight, flight, relaxation response?). In this case scenario, after reframing our thoughts and taking some deep breaths, if a cell phone is available, the next step may be to get the license number and make of the car, and call 911 to report the incident to the police.

Road rage is one example of how parts of our society can be viewed as "mean spirited." The November, 2004 presidential campaign (Bush vs. Kerry) is another one. Some republicans called Kerry a "coward"; some democrats called Bush an "idiot." Name calling may not be an explosive style of ANGER expression, but it is one way to justify resentment. Then there's film producer, Michael Moore, who is obviously angered by the views of the republican party as evidenced by his film, "Fahrenheit 9/11." Michael Moore chose to express his anger by creating a film as opposed to blowing up a building or some other destructive expression of anger, to which I give him credit.

In the end, it is up to each of us to acknowledge, tolerate and adaptively express our anger in civilized and polite ways. This could mean learning how to be assertive as opposed to being passive or aggressive in our relations with others. If you believe there is a problem with how you express anger, professional counseling may help.

Counseling can identify our specific anger style, teach us different approaches to anger management and encourage us to be less rigid and more flexible in choosing a style to use for a given situation.

Based on the research of Ronald T. Potter-Efron, MSW, PhD, there are at least 10 ANGER styles:

HIDDEN STYLES: (flight response): Anger Avoidance, Sneaky Anger and Paranoia.

EXPLOSIVE STYLES: (fight response): Sudden Anger, Shame-Based Anger, Deliberate Anger and Excitatory Anger.

CHRONIC STYLES: Habitual Anger, Moral Anger and Resentment/Hate.

A specific treatment approach is used in counseling to address maladaptive expressions of ANGER when the style is identified.There is more of an emphasis on humanity and equality when we choose to express our anger in creative rather than destructive ways.

Written by,
Mark S. Rogers, LPC.
Licensed Professional Counselor
(3/05)

Taking a moment from a busy day at work to say, I support Stooltime Counseling. Thanks, Courtney! I appreciate it.

WHEN ONE PART OF YOU WANTS TO LIVE, AND ANOTHER PART WANTS TO DIE ...

2007-02-21T00:12:00.000-05:00

Use the part that wants to live to better understand the part that wants to die.

I believe in the sanctity and dignity of human life! Most people have the same belief, and so society holds respect-for-human-life in high regard. There are always exceptions to the rule. On a political level, for example, leaders of the Democratic party are against the death penalty, but support abortion. Leaders of the Republican party are against abortion, but support the death penalty. I don't see a consistent life ethic with either major party. If we want to hear consistency on multiple levels, we need to listen to Pope John Paul II's message. This article is neither political nor religious. The political and religious analogies stop here. I believe our society has a lot to learn to become more consistent on the issue of "LIFE." This is okay because like each of us who is working to grow on intellectual, emotional and behavioral levels, so it is with our society: perpetually growing and evolving to become better than before. This leads me to the focus of this article. Despite the numerous reasons why a person could choose to hurt themself, I am here to say, "DO NOT DO IT!"

It has been my experience as a Licensed Professional Counselor to listen to people talk about their mental and emotional pain. I have been blessed to learn how to be empathic, yet keep an emotional distance. This has allowed me to continue to work and not burn out. I have heard many reasons why someone would want to hurt themself.

Here is a list of just a few of them:

Feeling no pain is better than feeling pain.
Command voices (auditory hallucinations).
Hopeless and helpless feelings about self and the future.
Relationship conflicts.
Self-perception leading to feelings of shame and doubt.
Major Depression or Bi-Polar disorder.
Being maliciously bullied leading to low self-worth.
Family or personal crisis.
Dysfunctional guilt.
Impending legal action.
Loss of a loved one and a desire to be with them.

The one commonality with every person who wants to hurt themself is that the person is emotionally torn about doing it. This means that despite the pain, it is part of our human nature to live. Call it survival of the species.

Emotional pain is a message telling us that something is wrong. Pay attention to it and seek help. If there is a plan or intent to do self-harm, immediately call 911 on the phone or go to the nearest Emergency Room of a hospital. Develop a support network who is available to listen. Verbally contract for safety with people you can trust. Avoid alcohol or illicit drugs because substance use or abuse can either complicate things or become a separate problem later. Seek professional help to explore and understand the underlying reasons for wanting to do self-harm.

Emotional pain needs to be acknowledged and validated, and so does the part of you that wants to LIVE.

There are countless stories of people who've learned how to renew a sense of HOPE. Hollywood did a good job showing us one example in 1946 with the movie, "It's A Wonderful Life," starring Jimmy Stewart and Donna Reed. The plot line: An angel shows a compassionate but frustrated man what life would had been like if he wasn't born. The man did make a difference in the lives of others, despite how he felt. I recommend watching the movie to reawaken a sense of HOPE!

Additional information and support can be gathered by going to a Website called, SUPPORT FROM BEFRIENDERS INTERNATIONAL. Click http://www.befrienders.org/ to go to their HOME page.

Pay attention to the pain, listen to the part of you that wants to live, seek professional help and know that choosing LIFE is a viable option!

Written by,
Mark S. Rogers, LPC.
Licensed Professional Counselor
(1/05)

COPING WITH CHANGE

2007-02-20T23:43:00.004-05:00

Learning to become a manager of CHANGE

King Whitney, Jr. writes:
"Change has a considerable psychological impact on the human mind. To the fearful it is threatening because it means that things may get worse. To the hopeful it is encouraging because things may get better. To the confident it is inspiring because the challenge exists to make things better."

CHANGE is happening. How can we manage it? Perhaps the answer to that question lies within our personality. Our thoughts, feelings and behaviors are a reflection of our personality. Whether we are fearful, hopeful, confident or any other adjective that describes our personality, the one thing we have in common is we all experience CHANGE. To better understand how we can manage the process of CHANGE, it is good to know about the four Thinking/Feeling/Acting stages of it:

1) Denial 2) Resentment 3) Exploration 4) Commitment

DENIAL:
One of the reasons we may want to DENY the fact that people, places and things do CHANGE, or become different, is because of our perception. Most people look for a sense of stability in their lives. Any disruption from a sense of stability, routine or order can increase feelings of anxiety.

At this stage, the CHANGE is perceived to be distressful, and so the natural response is to deny or minimize its occurrence. When we deny having a problem, for example, we are not considering the possibility of CHANGE to resolve it. It feels safer to DENY a problem than to confront it. In the short run, it takes less work and is less anxiety producing to ignore a problem than to tackle it.

The Dental Profession has a saying: Ignore your teeth and they'll go away. When we deny a problem or the motivation needed to make the changes to correct it, the problem does not go away. The tooth analogy shows us that if we want to keep our teeth, we need to pay attention to them. Choosing to remain ignorant about our problems keeps us in DENIAL about the need to manage CHANGE to make life better than before. If ignorance were bliss, choosing to be happy would be easy.

RESENTMENT:
To move past DENIAL onto the RESENTMENT stage, we may begin to feel emotionally torn about accepting the need to change or resolve a problem. There is ambivalence and so we debate whether or not to make some changes that will improve our lives. At this stage, we either take some action steps or slip back into DENIAL. Positive self-talk is one helpful action step to move past the ambivalence of RESENTMENT onto the EXPLORATION stage. "I am strengthening my belief that CHANGE is possible." "I am learning to accept the need to CHANGE to resolve my problem."

EXPLORATION:
When we are mentally, emotionally and behaviorally ready to begin exploring how to make some needed changes in our lives so that life is more satisfying and functional, it is possible to get stuck. Conflicting feelings need to be explored. Our self-talk may turn into an internal mental argument: "I do want to change vs. I don't want to change." A decision needs to be made that will help shift the focus away from the old self to the new self so the CHANGE we want can happen.

During the EXPLORATION stage of CHANGE the challenge to reframe our self-talk is based on our desire, ability, reasons, need and commitment to CHANGE: "I am losing weight. I am modifying my diet and participating in a doctor recommended regular exercise program. I am improving my health and fitness levels as I am losing weight. I am cutting my risks to develop heart disease and diabetes as I am losing weight. I am losing weight."

COMMITMENT:
Let the decision for COMMITMENT continue. How am I measuring my success to CHANGE the way I see it? What am I thinking, saying and doing to feel less defensive about what I want to CHANGE?

List Pros and Cons for desired CHANGE to be made. What have I learned by not making the CHANGE up to now? How can I look forward so the CHANGE I want to make is becoming real? Who else can help me make the CHANGE to improve my life? How do I ask others to help me? Who am I helping when I make my CHANGE?

The choice is simple: Manage CHANGE or have it manage us. Either way, it's happening. When we manage it, we are better equipped to resolve our problems.

One last note:
THE ONLY PERSON OVER WHOM WE HAVE CONTROL TO CHANGE IS OURSELVES!

Written by,
Mark S. Rogers, LPC.
Licensed Professional Counselor
(12/04)

Change is inevitable, unless it's from a vending machine.

Thank you for supporting Stooltime Counseling, Dan!

"BY GEORGE," SAID PAUL, AS HE LEFT THE JOHN. "WHERE'D MY RINGO?"

2007-02-19T11:46:00.010-05:00

To be UNIQUE is to be ONE OF A KIND like the Beatles

George Harrison, Paul McCartney, John Lennon and Ringo Starr became famous during the 1960's when they debuted as the rock and roll group, The Beatles. Each of the four Beatles is creatively connected to the others by way of the title to this article. The Beatles created beautiful music for many people. At the time of their inception, they were unique, one of a kind.

Even though our parents called them "non-comformists" because of their long hair, they worked hard to leave a musical impression on all of us. George, Paul, John and Ringo had long hair, though, the style for guys during the early 1960's was a brush cut, a.k.a. a "baldy sour." I remember an American Bandstand promotion to give away hair brushes used by the Beatles. The only way to use a hair brush is to grow hair. Guess what? Long hair for guys became the fashion.

I also remember the screaming young women in the audience during any Ed Sullivan TV show that featured the Beatles as musical guests. Talk about rock and roll drama!

The lyrics to their songs are mild compared to 21st century standards. Some of their music expressed, "All you need is love," with some added, "Yeah, yeah, yeah's." Compare that to some 21st century Rap lyrics that contain angry, four letter words. It's more of a contrast. The people who are offended by Rap lyrics say that Rap is missing one thing: the letter "C." To be fair, Rap music is a form of poetic self-expression. One could say that Rap music is unique, too.

The Beatles were unique and amply rewarded for it. There is a lesson to be learned from this. Each of us is unique, too.

What kind of music do we want to make to express our own individuality? How can we choose to express our uniqueness in ways that benefit society? What do we do if we encounter barriers as we work to exercise self- expression? The Beatles overcame obstacles (most of our parents did not enjoy their music) so they could fit-in to society, and so can we as we partake on our personal journey of self-expression.

There are many things that make us unique, one of a kind. While others can try to imitate us or we them, no two people are alike. A group called, Badfinger, tried to imitate the Beatles, but fell short from the Beatles success.

Everybody is different. For example, no two people have the same finger prints. Our DNA (Deoxyribonucleic acid), the carrier of our genetic code, is unique, too. What about our gifts, talents or purpose in life? I'll say it again: EVERYBODY IS DIFFERENT!

What sets us apart from others? We all have different experiences, abilities, values, skills, interests and personalities. Put it all together and each of us is good at doing something. We all have what it takes to make our own music. Sometimes we sing out-of-key. Other times, the lyrics match the melody so well that we become music to our own ears and to the ears of others. If we don't like what we hear, we can rewrite the lyrics and melody on the song sheet.

Music does move people. When we start making our own music, we get moving! Translation: Find out who we are and what we like to do, do it to the best of our ability and then keep practicing so we can do it even better. We need to listen closely to our own music. When we know and trust ourselves, it is easier to choose ourselves. Compare ourselves to nobody because each of us is unique.

We can learn to uniquely express ourselves as did the Beatles. When we do it in healthy and functional ways, watch for the personal rewards to follow!

Have a Beatle-ful Day!

Written by,
Mark S. Rogers, LPC.
Licensed Professional Counselor
(10/04)
Stooltime Counseling thanks for her support, electronic music DJ and producer from Berlin, Germany: Miss Jools!

SMOOTHIES!

2007-02-19T11:16:00.002-05:00

DELICIOUS AND NUTRITIOUS

This article outlines the nutritional value of drinking smoothies. It includes some sample ingredients and can be modified, based on personal tastes, food sensitivities and finances. Get your blenders and coffee mills ready because this article is DELICIOUS!

The difference between using a blender and a juicer to create something enjoyable and nourishing to drink is nutritionally significant. A blender mixes all of the chosen ingredients being blended so nothing is wasted. A juicer squeezes the liquid portion out of the ingredients being juiced, leaving all of the fiber behind. Current recommended daily value for fiber is between 30-35 grams. To increase our daily fiber intake, use a blender rather than a juicer to make a smoothie.

A coffee mill is used to crush ingredients that blend well when added to the liquid portion of the smoothie. Shelled pumpkin seeds and flax seeds are two ingredients that blend well, AND add more fiber to the diet.

Some people have diabetes and need to either limit or restrict their intake of fruit. Others have conditions like diverticulitis and may be sensitive to the ingestion of foods that contain tiny seeds. If there is ever a question about any kind of food allergy or sensitivity, please check with your doctor before drinking a smoothie that contains fresh and raw fruit and other natural ingredients.

SAMPLE INGREDIENTS:
Apples
Bananas
Strawberries
Blueberries
Cranberries (Seasonal)
Pomegranate seeds (In season between September and December)
Kiwi
Cantelope
Watermelon
Seedless grapes
Peaches
Plums
Pineapple
Other fruit
Soy milk
Pomegranate juice
Orange juice
Yogurt
Liquid Colloidal Minerals (Some experts question safety and value)
Flax seeds
Shelled Pumpkin seeds
Whey protein powder
Other

Based on personal tastes, food sensitivities and financial status, we can pick and choose from the above list or even add some of our own personal favorites. The key to blending, though, is to have more fruit than liquid in the blender before whipping up the final product. Using some frozen fruit can help the smoothie immediately taste chilled, cold and refreshing!

Remember to grind the flax seeds and shelled pumpkin seeds in the coffee mill before adding to the blender. Use these two ingredients sparingly. I would suggest about two teaspoons of flax, and approximately a handful of shelled pumpkin seeds per blender preparation.

Add the recommended amount of liquid minerals to the blender after considering that a full blender serves up to four people if choosing to use this controversial ingredient.

One smoothie a day adds a lot of nutritional value to our diet. I am talking about fiber, phytonutrients, complex carbohydrates, enzymes, omega 3 fatty acids, protein, vitamins and minerals.

The fiber alone can help to keep us regular (pun intended by the Stoolman), especially when used in conjunction with a doctor recommended regular exercise plan. Fresh fiber and regular exercise can figuratively help make brown eyes turn blue! This is because there is a difference between clay and sand at stool time.

Being creative and experimenting with different combinations of ingredients could mean feeling excited about drinking SMOOTHIES!

Written by,
Mark S. Rogers, LPC.
Licensed Professional Counselor
(8/04)

Father And Sons: Thanks for supporting Stooltime Counseling, Danny, Eddie and David!

"IF IT BLEEDS, IT LEADS!"

2007-02-19T10:52:00.008-05:00

JOURNALISM 101

Media people are familiar with the phrase, "If It Bleeds, It Leads!" The phrase speaks volumes to professional journalists, who are always looking for ways to improve their viewership, readership or listenership. Better ratings mean more money for the networks, newspapers and radio stations, who inform us of the news.

Most of us know what to expect when we turn on the TV to watch the news, read the newspaper or listen to the news on the radio. We can expect to watch, read or hear about the primitive side of human nature: PREDATORY HUMAN BEHAVIOR GONE AWRY! Stories about murders, rapes, robberies and the like get top billing. The bloodier the story, the more likely it is to be mentioned first. One thing for sure about the news: MOST OF IT IS NEGATIVE!

What is the emotional pay-off for us to buy into the concept of sensational journalism? What motivates us to routinely watch, read or hear about depressing, "profit-ganda"-like stories? It's all about SUBLIMATION. In other words, the emotional appeal of the news has us saying to ourselves, "I'm glad that horrific story isn't about me!" On some ego level, it is soothing to know that we are alive and well even at the expense of the misfortunes of others. It's like reading the Obituaries to make sure our name isn't listed.

Yes, the human ego can be "self-centered" because one of its jobs is to protect us from harm. Sublimation is the same defense mechanism that has most drivers slowing down to gawk at the scene of a car accident because we can again find time to say to ourselves, "I'm glad that isn't me!" How can we keep informed of current events, but not live in fear, nor secretly acknowledge that our problems are less intense than other peoples problems?

Even though news reports inform us of negative local and world events, there is something positive about them. The news tells us about "out-of-the-ordinary" experiences. This means that most of what happens to people in the world is good rather than bad, which is very soothing to know. Good news is infrequently reported because it is so common! If it were the other way around, the reality of the news would be a lot different.

News people have an obligation to report human conflict, drama and controversy. Their high ratings are contingent on them doing their jobs while the rest of us choose to watch, read or listen. How are professional journalists taught to deal with the emotional aspect of their job? It is probably very difficult to interview a family member of someone who has been murdered. How do the rest of us process our emotions after having watched, read or listened to a depressing story? Is it better to avoid paying attention or better to keep informed of real life human pain and suffering? It all depends on a lot of things ... on a number of different levels.

I recall hearing actor, Charles Bronson, being interviewed by TV talk show host, Mike Douglas, circa 1970's, about his string of "Death Wish" vigilante movies. I am paraphrasing, but I believe Bronson was asked if his movies were contributing to the welfare of our society. Bronson's reply was that his movies pushed as many, if not more, "good buttons" as they did "bad" ones.

I am suggesting that watching, reading or listening to the news achieves the same results. For example, psychiatrists may suggest to some clients to stop watching the news on TV because it is too distressing to vicariously view real life human pain and suffering. On the other hand, others find no problem watching the news on TV. In fact, some people are prompted to act in positive ways after viewing the misfortunes and hardships of others. I remember how America became united after the 9/11 tragedy, when most of what we saw on TV was about the needless loss of human life.

Even though the news tends to perpetuate the myth that life is getting bad, other sources of information assert that life is better now than it was 100 years ago. For example, medical care and improved sanitation systems have meant an increased life expectancy. We're living 30 years longer than we did 100 years ago!

It is true that the news sheds light on our social problems. However, it is comforting to know that there is more "good" than "bad" going on in the world. Ironically, the bloody news reports are evidence of it because they are based on "out-of-the-ordinary" experiences. Take it from there and maybe as a result, more "good" buttons than "bad" ones can get pushed.

Written by,
Mark S. Rogers, LPC.
Licensed Professional Counselor
(7/04)

Thank you for being a good sport and supporting Stooltime Counseling, Devin! You have a beautiful and radiant smile!

STOOLTIME COUNSELING'S AWARDS AND PROMOTIONS

2007-02-19T10:10:00.033-05:00

WHAT TIME IS IT? IT IS STOOLTIME!

Stooltime Counseling is happy to report having received some recognition on the web from people who review and rate websites: The Golden Web award, The Gadzillion award, The American Association of Webmasters Bronze award and The Miller Communications Group award. Prior to using the blog format to illustrate and promote Stooltime Counseling, I used a website host called, Express Page, to post my articles. It was then when Stooltime Counseling earned its recognition and awards.

Additionally, Stooltime Counseling is announcing the sale of baseball hats, shirts and jackets that have its logo embroidered on them.

Click: Graphic Stitch/Stooltime Counseling to view the on-line store. Stooltime Counseling is partnering with Graphic Stitch, Inc. to make merchandise available.

According to some studies (formerly found on WebMd, article #86/99235), wearing a hat (and sun glasses) while outside can reduce the risk of our eyes becoming damaged later in life (cataracts, age-related macular degeneration). Why not make it a "Stooltime Counseling" hat?

At the very least, wearing a Stooltime Counseling ball cap comes in handy during a bad hair day!

Invest in the purchase of a Stooltime Counseling baseball hat. A supply of other merchandise is also available as referenced above.

Thanks in advance for supporting Stooltime Counseling!

MAILING ADDRESS FOR CORRESPONDENCE:
Mark S. Rogers, LPC.
P.O. Box 311
Anchorville, MI. 48004-0311

"STOOLTIME COUNSELING" has award winning quality!

Written by,
Mark S. Rogers, LPC.
Licensed Professional Counselor and
Nationally Certified Sports Counselor
(6/04)

Thanks for supporting Stooltime Counseling, Whitney!

Thanks for supporting Stooltime Counseling, Mary!

THE PAST IS HISTORY, THE FUTURE IS A MYSTERY AND THE PRESENT IS A GIFT!

2007-02-19T09:47:00.005-05:00

Learning from the past, living for today, planning for the future

There are three major tenses by which we express the time of our thoughts, feelings and behaviors: The PAST, PRESENT and FUTURE. All three have value depending on how we use them to enrich our lives. For example, there is a difference between living in the past and learning from it. In the same vein, we can make a distinction between worrying about the future and planning for it. The present is here and now, the moment. The present tense is the most immediate of all three. It represents real time life. The purpose of this article is to illustrate how our thoughts, feelings and actions influence how we live our lives, whether it be in the past, present or future.

Of what value is it to live in the past? Someone who lives in the past could be the person who holds onto grudges or who voluntarily chooses not to forgive someone for some wrongdoing even after coming to terms with the related anger. The person who is chronically angry is another example of someone who lives in the past because chronic anger is a set-up to deny the present moment. These three examples illustrate how easy it is to get stuck in the past. There is more to life than feeling angry all of the time.

Lets stay with the theme of ANGER because it is an interesting emotion. Even though there is a difference between feeling angry and being violent, there is also a connection. Not all angry people act out in violent ways, but violent behavior usually has anger as its precursor. It is the violent behavior that gives anger its bad name.

Anger can either create or destroy. For any of us who mindlessly lives in the past, the anger is usually a destructive force because there is no present moment thought on how its expression can impact our future. What others see instead is someone who acts impulsively, based on the need for instant gratification. To the person who learns from their past, the anger can be a creative energy used to build something. Write a book. Play football. It takes work to make a conscious decision to channel our angry energy into something productive. Many people avoid going to jail because they choose to sublimate their chronic anger into sports rather than to impulsively act it out.

Our past can also be a fountainhead of our memories and history. It is important to remember how we used to think, feel and act if we want to understand who we are today and what we want to do tomorrow. Understanding our past gives us the wisdom to stop making the same mistakes over and over. It is more rational to learn from our past than be doomed to repeat it. This means learning to make some different choices here-and-now. A history of violence would no longer be a predictor of violence.

Living in the past is different than learning from it. To live in the past means losing our focus for today. We are denied the present moment. Conversely, to learn from the past means to acknowledge it, accept having made good and bad choices along the way and then let it go. We can then focus on living for today and planning for the future.

The FUTURE is a time that has yet to happen. Some people report they can predict the future with their crystal ball. Predicting the future is unlikely, but believing that we can see into the future helps us to worry less about it. Most of us do worry about the future, but when it becomes a distraction to what we are doing right now, it is self-defeating. If we must worry about what could happen to us, it is better to set aside some time, lets say one hour a day, to obsess about it. Worry is a thought, and we can control our thoughts. Use the other 23 hours of the day to do something useful like work, play, prayer or rest. Worrisome thoughts can be a distraction to what we want to do or say right now.

Planning for the future is different than worrying about it. To plan means to set short and long term goals/objectives that help us to realize our human potential on different levels. It takes rational thought to plan for our basic survival needs, family, career, vacation or retirement.

When we are physically and emotionally attending to someone in the here-and-now, our eye contact, body language and listening skills reflect a present tense focus. We are paying attention. Our eyes are not wandering, nor are we worried about what we might next say. To be grounded in the present means to appear more genuine and real during a conversation.

The past is a cancelled check. The future is a promissory note. The present is like paying cash. Each of them means something different.

Quotable Quote: Jim Leyland, Detroit Tigers manager, on the importance of living in the moment during a baseball game, "You can't chew yesterday's breakfast today, and you can't play Thursday's game on Tuesday". Focus on today!

Thanks to Dalta Raju, M.D., for the title to this article.

Written by,
Mark S. Rogers, LPC.
Licensed Professional Counselor
(5/04)

FEELINGS PASS JUST LIKE GAS!

2007-02-18T01:24:00.011-05:00

FIVE MAJOR FEELINGS: MAD, SAD, GLAD, FEAR and CONFUSED:

MAD: Angry, irritated, upset, frustrated, enraged, furious, provoked.

SAD: Depressed, disappointed, dysphoric, anguish, dejected, sorrowful.

GLAD: Happy, euphoric, euthymic, elated, excited, thrilled, delighted.

FEAR: Afraid, tense, anxious, scared, alarmed, apprehensive, panic.

CONFUSED: Perplexed, bewildered, puzzled, stumped, confounded, deranged.

At the risk of mixing biology with semantics, it is said that our feelings originate from the heart, gut or belly button, and that our thoughts come from the head. A public speaker who talks from the "heart" puts more "feeling" into a speech than someone who reads from a script. To tell someone, "Use your head", means to tell someone to put some rational "thought" into whatever is being said or done. As far as the correlation between our feelings and the gut or belly button, consider this:

FEELINGS ARE LIFE BECAUSE FEELINGS GIVE MEANING TO LIFE. LIFE WITHOUT MEANING IS A LIFE WITHOUT FEELING!

Question: What else is associated with life?
Answer: The belly button located by the gut. At birth, the umbilical cord is the connection between a new life and the placenta of the mother.

Readers of "Stooltime Counseling" are aware that our feelings are one-third of the human experience. Our thoughts and behaviors create the other two-thirds. This article focuses on the one-third that gives substance and meaning to life. It is the "one-third" that is not experienced by people who abuse illicit drugs or alcohol: our feelings. People who abuse illicit drugs or alcohol are people who are emotionally dead. "Know drugs, no feelings" so to speak. The war on drugs is complicated. Attacking it from the emotional level requires a three-pronged approach. This three-pronged strategy is useful not only to people who want to be clean and sober, but to any of us who want to meaningfully function on a day-to-day basis. It is a skill, and like any skill, it can be learned. Learning how to regulate our emotions so we can live a life with the goal to move towards a secure sense of self requires:

1) ACCEPTANCE of our feelings,
2) TOLERANCE of all feelings,
3) POSITIVE EXPRESSION!

Feelings allow us to put energy (life) into our thoughts and behaviors. Emotions tell us something is important. To feel mad when a loved one is killed by a drunk driver. To be sad when attending a funeral. To be glad when our child graduates from high school. To have fear of the unknown when diagnosed with an illness. To be confused because despite all of our best efforts, the weight loss isn't happening.

Acceptance of this energy we call "feelings" means being able to identify, name and own them. Once we name our feelings, we can do something about them! It is easier to accept our feelings when we know that feelings are neither right nor wrong. They are neither good nor bad. Some of them are painful, others are more pleasureable. It is by how we express them behaviorally that determines if we fit into a polite and civilized society.

Tolerance of this energy means being flexible, resilient and having the ability to cope. It is usually more difficult to tolerate the painful feelings we experience because, by nature, we tend to seek pleasure and avoid pain. Think of watching on TV your home team losing a game to their opponent. Remember the frustration? Remember changing the channel? It is difficult to say whether we learn frustration tolerance or if it is something that develops like a callous on our knuckles after hitting a punching bag over and over.

The positive expression of this energy means managing our feelings so they can impact what we think, say or do in adaptive ways. An example of managing our feelings is taking a deep breath when angry as a way to soothe ourself. Most people like to soothe themselves when feeling an intense, painful feeling. Once the intensity subsides, we can better express the feeling in a rational manner by way of what we think or do.

Feelings are not logical. Our thoughts and actions can be logical, but not our feelings. Feelings are not facts. To say that I feel stupid does not mean that I am stupid. However, stupidity can be measured by our actions. Forrest Gump's mother taught him, "Stupid is as stupid does."

Happiness, like gas, will pass. It's okay to share our happiness with others, but probably not our gas. Both are expressions of intimacy, but one is more polite than the other. Sharing any feeling can foster emotional intimacy.

The opposite of to accept, tolerate and positively express our feelings is to deny, suppress and act out. It has been said by some authorities that men are socialized to deny their feelings. At an early age, for example, boys are taught not to cry because it is a sign of weakness. Another example: children of alcoholic parents are generally taught three main lessons: Don't talk, don't trust, don't feel. (Know alcohol, no feelings). Talk about going through life like a machine, an object devoid of feelings! How sad. It is possible for us to learn acceptance, tolerance and how to express our feelings in positive ways, whether they be comfortable or uncomfortable ones. "Assertiveness" is one tool we can use to facilitate the positive expression of our feelings.

Assertive communication is one of the best relationship building skills of which I can think. It involves the principle of mutual validation. To be assertive means to tell others what we want from them while listening and responding to what they want from us. Thoughts, feelings and actions are acknowledged and validated as issues are confronted. Here's a true story of how this can be done using the feelings/gas metaphor:

Sometimes feelings can be expressed by way of passing gas. A catcher on a softball team had a ritual of asking the cook at her job site's cafeteria to prepare split pea soup on the days she would play a game. Since the two were friends, and even though it was a burden for the cook to prepare the split pea soup because the cook needed to stay up all night cutting the peas in half, the cook was happy to oblige. At game time, the catcher would warn the umpire, "Just to let you know, I had some split pea soup before the game. If you make any bad calls, I'll let you know!" Umpires would usually smile, which in turn begs the question: Is that facial grimace a sign of gas, too? What a stinky but creative way to assert dissatisfaction if the umpire makes a bad call at home plate!

As noted, there are five major feelings, some of which are more painful than others. Please realize that there is a difference between someone who stays home all day, drapes closed, staring into the dim lighting, and someone who is depressed because they have problems. The former example could be someone who is chronically depressed; the latter may be someone, who despite their problems, can still function. The chronically depressed person may have a mental illness that prohibits their feelings from being fleeting subjective experiences.

If we are unable to regulate intense painful feelings, and we look for unhealthy ways to get relief, a psychological assessment to rule out a chemical imbalance of the brain might be a recommendation. Generally, medication and counseling work together better than either one of them alone.

To better understand the emotional status of someone who has a Major Depression, when you feel sad or anxious, imagine magnifying those feelings 100 times to help you feel more empathic. Then ask yourself, "How would I function?" For the person who suspects having a severe and persistent mental illness, please, get some professional help, despite the social stigma. Check the phone book for available private psychiatrists and therapists if you have insurance. For those without insurance, call your local Community Mental Health agency. The people who need help and get it are less dangerous to themselves and others than the people who need professional help, but ignore their symptoms.

Our feelings appear in a context, have a purpose, and need to be accepted, tolerated and expressed in positive ways. In this manner, feelings will pass. However, if there is a mental illness, the feelings are a part of a syndrome. Sadness could mean multiple things, yet not be connected to any problem. It's up to all of us, mentally ill or not, to recognize our problems, make good choices and get help if we need it so we can learn to regulate our feelings in adaptive ways.

In my opinion, one of the best gifts a parent can give their child(ren) is to teach them how to self-regulate. Kids learn how to self-regulate their feelings by watching how their parents model it. The parents are models, the kids are students. There's a difference between misplaced feelings and modeling acceptance, tolerance and the positive expression of feelings. The kids are watching!

Actor/Governor, Arnold Schwarzenegger, has been called, "The Terminator," based on his movie of the same name. Detroit Red Wing hockey goalie, Dominik Hasek, is called, "The Dominator," based on his awesome hockey skills. Now it is time for each of us to become known as, "The Regulator," based on our ability to do the same with our emotions!

WHAT DO YOU FEEL?

LET THE FEELING HAPPEN.

ACKNOWLEDGE AND VALIDATE ALL FEELINGS IN OUR RELATIONS WITH OTHERS.

Written by,
Mark S. Rogers, LPC.
Licensed Professional Counselor
(3/04)
Thanks for your support of Stooltime Counseling and me, and for the title to this article, Kathy. You rock! I love you!

THE CHINESE BAMBOO TREE

2007-02-17T22:08:00.002-05:00

A metaphor for realizing our human potential

Q: How many Licensed Professional Counselors does it take to change a light bulb?
A: One, but the light bulb has to "want" to be changed.

The counseling process works best when a client wants "to change" self-defeating attitudes and behaviors. This means the client consents to go on a journey of self-exploration and increased self-understanding, both of which can lead to an improved ability to function on different psychodynamic levels. The results can be beneficial, but not without risk. There is a certain degree of risk involved to move past our comfort zones of dysfunctional thinking and behaviors. When people change, we replace old routines with new ones, and this can increase our anxiety level. This is risky, but a competent Counselor can help the client calculate the risk to help facilitate the client's desired outcome(s) in counseling.

It takes time to realize self-improvement, and so it can be said that counseling is a dynamic process as opposed to a static event. Multiple factors contribute to achieving our personal counseling goals because the human condition is complex and not simple. There are no quick fixes, magic wands, snake oils, potions or pills that can take the place of good old fashion insight plus hard work and time to figure out the connection between our thoughts, feelings and behaviors. The growth of the Chinese bamboo tree is like the mental, emotional and behavioral growth of a client who is receiving counseling. Both take time and constant nurturing to grow.

When we plant a Chinese bamboo seed, we can expect to wait about five years before seeing any resemblance of a plant breaking through the ground. During that five year time span, it is crucial to water and fertilize the seed on a regular basis, despite the frustration of not seeing anything happen. Then all of a sudden, after about five years, the seed gets it and breaks through the ground to grow 90 feet tall in a matter of six weeks! Counseling goals may not take as long as five years to achieve, but they do require a certain amount of time and the constant watering and fertilizing (nurturing) along the way.

To "nurture" means to nourish ourselves. We all have different ways by which we nourish ourselves. Self nourishment could mean learning a new skill, meeting new friends, modifying our diet, beginning a doctor recommended regular exercise program, spending more time with our family, developing a hobby, learning how to use positive self-talk, teaching ourselves how to relax in a world that moves ever so fast, learning how to go after our hopes and dreams and desires, developing a positive work ethic, and whatever else we can think. These are some of the "fertilizers" that nourish us and help us to grow and improve as human beings.

If the goal is to improve our self-esteem, nurturing ourselves may take on the appearance of learning a new skill, using positive self-talk and surrounding ourselves with positive people. If our goal is to improve the relationship we have with our spouse, nurturing ourselves might look like spending more time with our spouse, learning conflict management skills and being more assertive rather than passive or aggressive.

Some of us know how to "nurture" ourselves, others need the objectivity of a Licensed Professional Counselor to facilitate the watering and fertilizing process. (No pun intended when the "Stoolman" uses the term, "fertilizer".)

Remember the destiny of the Chinese bamboo tree the next time we are feeling frustrated with ourselves because it seems to be taking so long to realize our goals. Remember that one day we will grow and blossom like the Chinese bamboo tree if we continue to nurture ourselves while waiting for the desired results to happen.

Written by,
Mark S. Rogers, LPC.
Licensed Professional Counselor
(2/04)

Thanks for supporting Stooltime Counseling, Linda!

STOOLTIME COUNSELING ADOPTS A ROAD

2007-02-15T22:31:00.006-05:00

ONE FORM OF COMMUNITY SERVICE

Business is picking-up! "Stooltime Counseling" has adopted a highway. The highway is located in the State of Michigan, the City of Chesterfield and the County of Macomb. Beginning Summer, 2004, the stretch of Gratiot road between 23 and 24 mile roads is being cleared of roadside trash and debris twice a year by "Stooltime Counseling" family and friends.

The Stoolman, family and friends are happy to provide a community service that supports a clean environment. At the same time, this website is receiving some free advertising.

It's a win-win situation!

The Stoolman is a former Maintenance worker at The Detroit News. That job continues to pay dividends because the same janitorial skills that were used to keep clean the building of a major Metropolitan Detroit newspaper are helping to keep clean part of our environment! The difference between then and now is the Stoolman works on a new team.

KUDOS for a job well done:

I want to recognize the people responsible for constructing a five-lane concrete pavement with curb, gutter and storm sewers on Gratiot Road between 23 mile and 24 mile roads. Stooltime Counseling is happy to have adopted this road.

The following team of people won "THE AWARD OF EXCELLENCE FOR BEST ROAD PROJECT OF 2004" from the Michigan Concrete Paving Association:

1) Project bid awarded to Tony Angelo Construction - Mainline Concrete.

2) Subcontractors: a) Pamar Construction - Sewer/Underground. b) Ed White Contracting - Concrete Curb and Gutter.

3) Project Managers: Road Commission Of Macomb County: a) Project Engineer - Bryan Santo. b) Survey Crew Chief - Kevin Matz. c) Inspectors - Mike Bucholtz, Terry Constantine and Chris DeVos. d) Materials Inspection/Quality Control - Gene Rogers, Barry Rechtizigel and Coleen Head.

CONGRATULATIONS and THANKS for building a safe and smooth road on which to drive!

Road Commission Of Macomb County website.

Written by,
Mark S. Rogers, LPC.
Licensed Professional Counselor
(1/04)

HAND PUPPETS FOR KIDS: THE DOTTIE AND DODIE SHOW

2007-02-15T22:16:00.011-05:00

Dottie and Dodie are avid Detroit Tigers and Red Wings fans!

USING OUR BARE HANDS AS A TEACHING TOOL

Growing-up is not an easy task for kids. Children are small people in the land of the GIANTS (adults). Depending on one's frame of reference, this could be good or bad. It is good when a child learns life's important lessons from responsible GIANTS. It is bad when a child needlessly experiences abuse or neglect from any irresponsible GIANT. This article will focus on something good. Based on the fact that children are not as aware of their thoughts and feelings as most GIANTS, there is the need to teach this lesson to them. How can this be achieved? There are many ways to teach children how to articulate their thoughts and feelings, some are more basic and less complex than others. This article will focus on something simple and free: Hand puppets used as a tool for teaching.

Martial arts experts acknowledge that a person's hands can be used either to express love or inflict pain. Responsible GIANTS use their hands to express love to their children. Using our bare hands to imitate hand puppets is one way to teach an expression of love.

Hand puppets not only help get kids to talk, but they also foster a sense of imagination and playfulness. For kids who feel alone in a big world, the hand puppets provide some imaginary companionship. Consequently, the child feels less alone. This is because every child who has hands can create their own imaginary friends through the use of their own hand puppets. This only becomes maladaptive if the child decides to limit their friends to the ones created by their hands. In most cases, however, the hand puppets facilitate self-awareness and self-esteem which encourage the child to develop outside friendships.

HERE IS HOW IT WORKS:

The idea of Dottie and Dodie was conceptualized circa 1968. It was fun to use my hands to make shadow puppets on the projector screen when Uncle Fred showed 8 mm movies like "Creature From The Black Lagoon." My brothers, Gary, Gene and Michael, sister, Christine, and cousin, Paul, would share the laughter with me. Soon the hand puppets acquired names and the rest became history.

Fast forward to the 1980's and 1990's, when I am an adult who has multiple nieces and nephews, and a fiancee who has a young son. When Kyle, Nicole, Robert, Samantha, Danny, David, Laura, Jennifer, Kelly and Arthur were small, I would look for fun ways to engage them into conversation. One way was to tell stories with the help of my childhood hand puppets, Dottie and Dodie.

I would use the skill of a ventriloquest to give animation and voices to Dottie and Dodie. This encouraged the young ones to become a part of the story being told. It would intrigue them to hear hand puppets talking. We would talk about a lot of things. Sometimes we talked about Dottie and Dodie's vacations to Florida. Other times it was about how they were doing in school. Still other times Dottie and Dodie became a part of bedtime stories and/or prayers before bed. The nieces, nephews and Art would then be asked to talk about their vacation and school experiences or to recite their prayers if it were bedtime. They were taught how to use their own hand puppets called, Dottie and Dodie, to help them feel comfortable during the dialogue. The thought of them having their own talking hand puppets seemed to further intrigue and fascinate them.

All of my nieces and nephews, and Arthur, are now older than 12 years old. This means, to them, Dottie and Dodie are corny. However, the concept works well with young children between the ages of 4 and 10. This concept is simple and it's free. The only cost involved is the amount of time spent sharing stories with each other.

Written by,
Mark S. Rogers, LPC.
Licensed Professional Counselor
(1/04)

Jordan, Jaden and Jenna supporting Stooltime Counseling!

DO THE DRAPES MATCH THE CARPETING?

2007-02-14T19:50:00.002-05:00

THE ART OF BEING AUTHENTIC, GENUINE AND REAL

What is the difference between the person who is born with blonde hair and someone else who dyes their hair to look blonde? One is real, the other is fake. Upon close observation, it is easy to tell the difference between the two. For the person who is the bottle blonde, the drapes don't match the carpeting. (Please use your imagination to figure-out the parallel). In this example, we have two people whose natural hair color is different, but look the same; however, one is authentic and the other is pretending. There is something to be said about both, but it has nothing to do with hair color. The focus of this article is on the subject of "authenticity." Authenticity may be related to honesty, self-disclosure, congruence, genuineness and realism. What does it mean to be an "authentic" human being? What is the value of being genuine and real in our relationships with others and ourselves? For people who are authentic, genuine and real, to use an analogy, the drapes do match the carpeting.

Lets use the political arena as a microcosm for our discussion on "authenticity." We can then apply what we learn from that example to our personal lives.

Question: "How do we know when a politician is telling a lie?"
Answer: "When he/she opens their mouth."

Does the above joke reflect an unfair stereotype and pre-judgement of politicians? Is it an oxymoron to say that politicians can be genuine and real people? Is it sad to even ask these questions? The truth: Not all politicians are liars. Many of them treat their constituents in authentic, genuine and real ways. To learn the difference between a deceitful politician and a real one, we must understand:

Authentic politicians accept the fact that not everybody will like them or their ideas, yet continue to be who they are and stand-up for what they believe to be an accurate reflection of their constituents' beliefs. This type of politician feels comfortable.

Genuine politicians do not try to impress people by pretending to be someone other than themselves. Rather, their personal core values are a good fit for their political party's agenda. There is consistency between personal beliefs and professional objectives.

Real politicians demonstrate an intellectual, emotional and behavioral consistency. This means that there is congruence between what they say and what they do. A dishonest politician says one thing, but does something else. An honest politician says one thing and does the same thing.

Lets apply the world of authentic, genuine and real politics to our personal lives:

Not everyone will like us all of the time.

Not everybody will always agree with us.

We do not have the power to make anybody else happy.

Despite the harshness of that reality, there is a socially redeeming value in learning how to develop authentic, genuine and real relationships with others and ourselves! It starts with realizing that the only people over whom we have control is ourselves. To be who we are is to be real. To pretend to be someone we're not is to be fake, someone who lacks substance.

The KEY WORDS here are: "BE YOURSELF" because that is what we can control. This means as adults, we have learned to think, feel and act for ourselves. We have learned to own our thoughts, feelings and actions rather than to blame others for what we think, what we feel and what we do. We are all accountable to ourselves. There is no deception. There is no hidden agenda when we genuinely present ourselves to others.

It takes courage to "be yourself" because we risk others not liking us. I don't know anybody who is liked by everybody. To be liked by everybody means we would need to be all things to all people, and that is an unlikely scenario. Comedian, Flip Wilson, had a more realistic scenario when he said, "What you see is what you get!"

We need to be authentic, genuine and real with ourselves before we can think, feel and act in kind to others. Otherwise, we are just pretending and trying to fool everybody including ourselves. If the goal is to match the drapes to the carpeting, "BE YOURSELF." Skeptics might ask, "What if we don't like ourselves?" That is an interesting question and worthy of further exploration. Counseling can help validate our worth and/or promote self-improvement!

Written by,
Mark S. Rogers, LPC.
Licensed Professional Counselor
(11/03)

Comedienne, Vicki Lawrence, gets the credit for using the "drapes and carpeting" analogy during her show at the Millennium Centre in Southfield, Michigan on February 1st, 2003.

I appreciate you supporting Stooltime Counseling, Greg!

MARRIAGE: THERE'S NOTHING LIKE IT!

2007-02-13T00:25:00.013-05:00

THE "R.U.S.T.I.C." APPROACH TO MARRIAGE

On May 22nd, 2010, Melissa married her best friend, John. She was also kind to pose at the reception while sporting her Stooltime Counseling ball cap. Thanks, Melissa! Congratulations to you and John!

What motivates people to get married? From a psychological viewpoint, perhaps the fear of death prompts a man and a woman to tie the knot. To get married and have kids are ways to cheat death. It is symbolic of feeling immortal because the children are a way of keeping the family gene pool alive. If that sounds like magical thinking, there is the religious aspect of getting married to consider. Marriage is more than an institution. Some religions call it a sacrament. It is definitely a lot of work! It takes effort, persistence and love to keep a marriage alive and breathing. It is not something to take for granted lest we lose sight of its meaning and significance. The application of the R.U.S.T.I.C. approach to marriage can help guide couples toward a meaningful life together.

R-espect.
U-nderstanding.
S-upport.
T-rust.
I-nterdependence.
C-ommunication.

It is sad that about one of two marriages results in divorce. There are many reasons for it:

Some people are not the marrying kind, but still choose to marry for any number of reasons.

We live in a "throw-away" society. This means we throw-away what does not work anymore.

No-Fault divorces. No one is responsible for anything that happens in the marriage.

Abuse of any kind by either partner.

When a couple does more planning for their wedding day than for their marriage.

It is more fruitful to discuss some of the thoughts, feelings and behaviors (three-legged stool metaphor) that contribute to a happy marriage. By way of acronym, they are:

R.U.S.T.I.C.

RESPECT: When I hear the word, respect, I think about Aretha Franklin's song by the same name. As it relates to marriage, I think about two people who hold each other in high esteem. In order to respect our better half, we need to respect ourselves first. Based on the premise, "Love thy neighbor as thyself," if we disrespect ourselves, who wants us to do them any favors? Ideally, mutual respect between spouses sets the stage for a positive relationship, one where good times are shared and conflict is managed.

UNDERSTANDING: Like mutual respect, understanding needs to be mutual. Talking and listening to each other facilitates understanding. Again, we need to understand who we are before we can understand who we married. Who am I? What do I need? What does my spouse need? How can we satisfy each other's needs?

SUPPORT: This exists on many levels. Different types of support include emotional, physical, spiritual, mental, financial. Some people ask why the Three-Legged Stool metaphor (thoughts, feelings, behaviors) doesn't include a Spiritual leg? I say, "Read between the legs. It's there!"

TRUST: This, too, occurs on many levels. A husband may trust his wife to handle the finances, but may not trust her to mow the lawn. Likewise, the wife may trust her husband to be a good male role model for their children, but may not trust him to buy her a dress that she, too, would like. On a serious level, a betrayal of trust can do harm to a marriage. It is difficult to calculate the risk involved in pursuing the thrill of an extra-marital affair. There are other ways to seek a thrill. An affair is always a bad decision for couples who want to trust each other on an intimate level.

INTERDEPENDENCE: Each person has an "INDIVIDUAL" identity, and as a couple, a "WE" identity. Picture a tree. The "WE" part is the trunk of the tree, the foundation. Each person is one branch on the tree. God can be the "roots" or line of nourishment. All three DEPEND on each other to be a tree. This is INTERDEPENDENCE a la the "tree" metaphor. Each of us brings to the marriage our own interests, experiences and values as a way to enrich it. There is a covenant to not only be ourselves, but to be a couple who needs, supports and relies on each other. This is affirmed when both people think, feel and act in dependable ways.

COMMUNICATION: Assertive communication (acknowledging and validating each other's thoughts, feelings, actions) is the ideal. It requires actively listening to each other during good times and bad. This skill compliments problem solving during times of conflict. We are born with two ears and one mouth. This means it is twice as important to listen as it is to talk!

Thanks to Robert Luzenski who taught me the phrase, "Marriage: There's Nothing Like It!"

Written by,
Mark S. Rogers, LPC.
Licensed Professional Counselor
(10/03)

Thanks for supporting Stooltime Counseling, Rob!

FOUR LETTER WORDS

2007-02-12T01:39:00.004-05:00

A,B,C,D,E,F,G,H,I,J,K,L,M,N,O,P,Q,R,S,T,U,V,W,X,Y,Z.

There are 26 letters in the alphabet, and all we need to do to form words that help us communicate with each other is to rearrange the letters into different groupings and combinations. There are different types of words, and all of them can be found on a continuum, based on their type.

On one end of the continuum, we have the highfaluting words. These are the ones that sound pretentious, arrogant and highly sophisticated. It is difficult to understand someone who uses highfaluting words unless we are of the same calibre as the person speaking. Have you ever spoken to your doctor about your clinical test results and didn't understand the meaning of the words being used? Other doctors would know what was being said, but the common layperson would leave the office feeling confused. What about parents and teenagers who try to understand each other, yet aren't able to get past each other's jargon? There are different levels of highfalutent language.

On the other end, there are the primitive types of words. This would include swearing, vulgarity, profanity, cursing and the like. Even though swearing sounds colorful and flamboyant at times, and it is one form of verbal communication, it is not always the best choice of self-expression. Swear words do not sound classy. After all, they can be found at the other end of the continuum, which is the furthest away from the sophisticated ones.

Most people choose to use words that exist in the middle of the continuum. These are words that most people understand. They are simple and basic, yet classy. Lets call these words, STANDARD ENGLISH.

The words we choose to use during conversation or when writing reveal something about us to others. We can choose from anywhere on the continuum depending on our audience. There are the multi-syllable, highfaluting type words on down to the primitive, four letter words, and everything in between. This article will focus on the "four letter" ones. I think it is safe to say that most of us have decided to cuss (slang) at one time or another for whatever reason. Why do people use profanity? Basically, there are three main reasons:

1) Feeling angry can set the stage for us to swear. The "F" sound is very cathartic.
2) Sometimes people swear to get others to pay attention to them.
3) Some people swear because they have a limited vocabulary and won't think of other words to use.

There is a social stigma associated with swearing in public because, often times, it is inappropriate. Many of us have been taught as children that "to swear" means we have a "dirty mouth" that needs to be washed-out with soap and water. In today's world, any attempt by a parent to wash-out their child's mouth with soap and water could lead to a home visit by a worker from Children's Protective Services. Is it just me or is there a weakening of that social stigma taking place? Maybe society is changing the way consequences are given to children. When an adult parent hears their child swear, it is more socially acceptable to take something away from the child (privileges, materialistic items) than to use the soap and water routine.

It is still unacceptable and inappropriate to swear during a job interview. It doesn't make for a good first impression with a prospective employer even though our choice of words is protected by the first amendment that affords us freedom of speech. To appear hostile or unsophisticated during a job interview doesn't lead to many job offers.

On the other hand, I hear radio disc jockeys and talk show hosts throw out a few cuss words here and there, for whatever reason, to make a point on their radio show. It isn't the most classy way to make a point, but done nonetheless. Swearing is becoming more common place on TV, too. People who swear on public air waves are not very distinguished. It's an example of stumbling over ones words. It's like the baseball player who gets a hit, but then stumbles and trips while running as he rounds 2nd base. It's another undistinguished and clumsy public display.

A few years back, when Ted Nugent (singer, musician, hunting advocate) owned his own radio station, "The Bear," there were occasions when some of his on-air personalities could be heard swearing on the radio. I took offense to it because it sounded inappropriate so I wrote a letter to Nugent. A few weeks later I received a hunting supply catalogue in the mail. An interesting and funny response, I thought. What a way to get on somebody's mailing list!

Neither any one gender nor age group holds the exclusive right to use profanity as a form of communication. Swearing is an equal opportunity behavior. It is no longer limited to athletes in the locker room or service men on the battle field. It is common to hear men, women and even children talk in like manner. However, it is interesting to note that when a man talks "dirty" to a woman, it can be defined as sexual harassment. When a woman talks "dirty" to a man, it is $2.99 a minute.

Even though it seems like more and more people are choosing to swear, whether it be in private or in public, there is no consistent application of the consequences. Even the Federal Communications Commission (FCC) appears less stringent in enforcing standards established only a few decades ago. (Please note some of the language that is allowed to air on TV and radio merely because swearing is becoming more common place.) That "drunken sailer" behavior (mean, angry, hostile and intrusive) most sober people have grown to know and abhor can be anybody nowadays. This could prompt some of us to ask at least one of three questions, based on the reasons people swear of which I make reference at the outset of this article:

1) How angry are we as a society?
2) How starved for attention are we as a culture?
3) How many words in the standard vocabulary: 500 or 10,000?

It is refreshing to note that we all have a choice relative to the words that come out of our mouths or the ones we write on paper:

We can use highfaluting words when we talk, but at the risk of being misunderstood by others.

We can talk before we think and risk using a primitive form of the language. Behavior like that is rarely associated with the word, "classy."

We can speak to others in a civil and assertive manner, which in turn acknowledges and validates everybody in every way in an adult and classy way.

We choose one of the three when we decide what kind of relationship we want to have with others. Each of the three choices can be the stone that sets off the ripple in the pond.

DISCLAIMER:
This article shares information and opinion specific to the Stoolman's three main reasons why most people choose to swear. Sometimes shocking and offensive behavior like swearing is a symptom of something much more serious than underlying anger, attention seeking or having a limited vocabulary. It is essential to rule out brain conditions like, "Frontal Lobe Syndrome," or "Tourettes Syndrome", each of which is a medical condition that reflects a brain injury, that could cause a person to act in primitive ways. Please consult with a Specialist if you or a loved one needs to rule out an organic problem that may have been precipitated by a stroke, head injury, a broken blood vessel in the brain or beginning signs of dementia.

Thanks to the Director at Neuro-Psych Services, PLLC, Kelly Gardiner, RN, MSN, CS, NP, for helping to frame the disclaimer to this article, "Four Letter Words."

Written by,
Mark S. Rogers, LPC.
Licensed Professional Counselor
(9/03)

Stooltime Counseling can help turn a cloudy, rainy day into a sunny feeling! Thanks for showing how it's done, Amy!

WOMEN HAVE CURVES, MEN HAVE ANGLES

2007-02-12T01:24:00.008-05:00

VIVA LA DIFFERENCE!

It doesn't take a rocket scientist to figure out that women and men are different. Personally, I appreciate the difference, but this article will delve in to differences that are much more subtle than the obvious physical ones. The value of a human being extends far beyond one's physical appearance. To a student of Geometry, a woman's hour glass figure or a man's V-shaped chest might suggest that women have curves and men have angles (literal definition). To a Romantic, the title of this article might suggest that a man has certain motives or angles that when used successfully, increase his chances of developing a relationship with a woman (figureative definition). To a student of THE THREE-LEGGED STOOL theory, the distinctions between the two genders are far more reaching and meaningful.

Lets review the meaning of the THREE-LEGGED STOOL within the context of "Stooltime Counseling," and for what the stool is a methaphor. THOUGHTS, FEELINGS and BEHAVIORS: three legs to the stool, three ways of experiencing others, the world and ourselves.

Some people would say that women and men think, feel and act differently because of conditioning or socializing. This is the "nurture" theory. Others would say that genetics accounts for the difference. Males have the "Y" chromosome, females have the "X" chromosome. This is the "nature" theory.

Obviously, one big "nature" difference is women can bear children, and men cannot. Men, try to imagine passing a bowling ball while sitting on the toilet. Sounds graphic and painful, but still no comparison to the physical pain felt by a woman at the time of labor.

Is it a stereotype to say that little girls prefer to play with dolls and little boys prefer to play with army men? Would the rock solid, self-confident John Wayne ever be caught playing with a doll? What about the stereotype that women are more in touch with their feelings than men and consequently talk about their emotions more often than men? Is it true that girls demonstrate more manners than boys and say, "Please" and "Thank you," more often? There is a grain of truth to all stereotypes, but it is not rational to generalize what we believe to be true and apply it to everyone we think to whom it should be applied. Everybody is different. We all think, feel and act for ourselves. Additionally, societal norms are cyclical. What is considered to be gender appropriate one generation may not be appropriate the next.

In the early 21st century, boys and men sometimes wear earrings, a custom that was reserved for women in the past. It used to be "cute" for a guy to wear earrings. It is becoming more socially acceptable thanks to the professional athletes who started the new custom. The same goes for girls who have tattoos, a custom historically reserved for service men. Think about all the old ladies running around with tattoos in about 40 years! It's different from how most picture grandma in 2003. I suppose, for some people, their body is a canvas.

Some people get confused as the boundaries that separate the women from the men become more blurred, less black and white and more gray. I, for one, see some benefits, though.

I see our culture teaching more men to be functionally sensitive. This means guys can be men of action, AND have empathy for others. Traditionally, women have been socialized to be more empathic than men, able to listen, understand from a distance and respond to the needs of others. More women are impressed with men who admire them for their minds and brains, not just for their bodies. Women and men are learning from each other, we tend to rely on each other.

A real man is someone who not only mows the lawn, brings home the bacon, shows an emotional presence with his wife and children, and does what he needs to do to get where he needs to go. He is someone who appreciates the differences between women and men and is comfortable being sensitive to the needs of himself and others. This would include a man who insists on helping-out with the housework.

A real woman is someone who can nurture herself as much as she can nurture others, can develop the skills it takes to compete with men in the work force, or who chooses to stay at home and raise a family. It's all about being comfortable with the choices we make. This would include a woman who insists on wanting to mow the lawn.

What is your definition of a REAL man or woman? Whatever it is, let it be known, nature makes girls one way and boys another way. No one can make a boy into a girl or vice versa ... despite the efforts of societal conditioning.

Written by,
Mark S. Rogers, LPC.
Licensed Professional Counselor
(8/03)

Meteorologist and Legendary Weathercaster, Sonny Eliot, gets credit for the title to this article.

Stooltime Counseling meets Wednesday & Elizabeth of Capt'n Weiners in Saugatuck, MI. Thanks for your support!

BASEBALL AND LIFE

2007-02-12T01:07:00.102-05:00

SWING THAT BAT AND BUST THAT BALL!
Michael and Gary Ignasiak, Gene and Gary Rogers.

Baseball, at one time, was referred to as America's "National Pastime". Stooltime Counseling has the bases loaded with this article! Hall of Fame Major League Baseball Commentator for the Detroit Tigers, Ernie Harwell, once described baseball as, "Simple as a ball and a bat, as complex as the American spirit it symbolizes". I interviewed four accomplished gentlemen for this article, all of whom played baseball at different levels in their lives. Their answers to my questions shed insight into Ernie Harwell's premise that the game of baseball is both "simple" and "complex". Allow me to introduce to you Mike Ignasiak, Gary Ignasiak, Gene Rogers and Gary Rogers.

Mike Ignasiak played baseball as a kid growing up on a farm in Anchorville, Michigan. He continued to play thru high school, college and the Major Leagues. At Orchard Lake St. Mary's Prep school, Mike played shortstop and pitcher. He went on to fine tune his pitching skills at the University of Michigan before being signed to pitch for the Milwaukee Brewers.

Gary Ignasiak, Mike's older brother, describes himself as, "Strictly a left-handed pitcher". He, too, played the game at a variety of levels ranging from recreational to elite. Little league, high school and professional ball show the ladder of baseball opportunity Gary climbed. At the top of the ladder, Gary joined the Detroit Tigers organization.

Gene Rogers began his baseball career at the age of six, when he played little league ball until the age of twelve. He went on to play in different leagues in addition to the high school and college levels. At 16 years of age, his fastball was clocked at 90 mph plus in addition to having an off-the-table curve ball and dazzling slider. Pitching was Gene's talent that caught the attention of Vanderbuilt University, Central Michigan University and a scout from the Los Angeles Dodgers. Gene decided to stay close to home to attend Macomb Community College, where he said, "My career in baseball ended".

Gary Rogers, Gene's older brother, and another south-paw like his cousin, Gary Ignasiak, played at the little league level thru high school at Clintondale. Gary played the outfield and first base positions until finding his niche as a pitcher. His pitching skills led to his name becoming enshrined in the 1974 edition of, "Athletes Of The Year". The hard cover book can be found at the Baseball Hall of Fame in Cooperstown, New York.

Each of the four accomplished gentlemen was asked ten questions. Here is how I presented my request to them:

Please answer the following questions to the best of your ability. Your answers will be included in a new Stooltime Counseling article to be posted on the internet with eventual inclusion to a self-help book, based on the Stooltime Counseling website.

Keep in mind the target audience when responding to the questions. Stooltime Counseling is a main-stream, self-help website that encourages people to strive to reach their human potential. Your answers will probably be read by people who are interested in what it takes to play major league baseball on down to the person who wants to play recreational baseball.

Each of you, Michael and Gary Ignasiak, and Gene and Gary Rogers, have accomplished something related to the world of baseball. Other people will be interested in reading your story. Each of you is related to me in some way, either a cousin or a brother. I will take pride in reporting your story to the best of my professional knowledge. I will use your information and write the self-help article so that others who read it can learn by way of your example(s).

I want to thank each of you in advance for considering to be a part of this Stooltime Counseling article.

Questions & Answers:

Tell me about your interest in baseball. How did you know you wanted to play baseball?

Mike Ignasiak: "As kids growing up on the farm in Anchorville, we played all kinds of sports. Baseball during baseball season, football during football season and basketball during basketball season. Our entire family played sports. I would say about my freshman year in high school, I realized that I was too small to play basketball after high school. I really did not want to play football after high school because I did not like waking up the day after a football game and being unable to move because my body hurt too much. About this time, I started to realize I was a much better baseball player than anything else. I was better than most, threw harder than most, and for some strange reason, had no fear when it came to the game. I knew what I had to do, and God had given me the ability, so I always figured I could do it."

Gary Ignasiak: "I always enjoyed it as a child, and was good at it. Baseball was fun and I was fortunate to have brothers to play with."

Gene Rogers: "Baseball was the sport to play while growing up in the '60's. Fun was the main objective during that time period, so it didn't matter if you won or lost the games. I had fun! Obviously, this sparked my interest in the sport. With my interest and natural ability, I was fortunate enough to have coaches who challenged me to try every position on the field."

Gary Rogers: "My interest in baseball started when I was very young. Swinging a bat, throwing a ball came very easy for me. God gave me the talent."

Who among your family and friends was instrumental in helping you realize your dream to play baseball, either while in school or in the major leagues?

Mike Ignasiak: "I would say first and foremost, my mom and dad. No matter what I did, they still loved me and encouraged me. They also felt there was nothing that I could not accomplish. They provided the ability to get to and from anywhere I needed to go. They enjoyed what I did, and took an interest. They were involved with what I was doing, so I never felt like I was on my own, especially when I was still in high school. They never pushed me too hard. Baseball was my choice, not theirs. Nothing was ever forced on me."

"Every coach that I had along the way influenced me one way or another. I thank them for their sacrifice and knowledge, their time away from family. They all taught me something, though, at the time I probably didn't realize it. It's the sacrifice and effort of all these people that allowed a player like myself that opportunity."

"Later as I became a professional, I would have to say my wife, Susan, was extremely influential in helping me become a better baseball player. I became a little more focused and driven towards my goal to play in the majors. I feel I became much more serious and determined. I felt like it wasn't just about me anymore, but about us."

Gary Ignasiak: "My father and mother always allowed me to play ball if it was available with summer teams. It wasn't a dream to play major league baseball; it just happened. I had no idea about pro ball or how to get there. I was drafted out of high school in 1967, June, and did not even know about it until August 20th of that year. When I finally signed, it was an opportunity to play pro ball, and I took advantage of it. There was no particular person that was my mentor but a combination of quality people that surrounded me young in life: parents, uncles, cousins, friends, etc. And most importantly, being in the right place at the right time, and taking advantage of a unique opportunity."

Gene Rogers: "Mom and dad were instrumental with the growth I encountered while playing the game of baseball. Mom would keep score for the teams I played on, and always ask me if I felt good that day. Dad coached the teams and always made himself available to me. As a player, it was important to me to see my parents at every game. This gave me the confidence I needed to do my best."

"I had two sets of friends while growing up. One set was on the baseball diamond, where we would always compete with each other. The second set was off the field. We were interested in building mini-bikes, which eventually led to automobiles."

"My older brother, Gary, and I would spend a lot of time together playing catch in the street. I recall Gary and I would try to outdo each other with our different selections of curveballs, sliders, knuckleballs and fastballs."

"Lastly, I spent hours throwing the baseball against the brick portion of the garage by myself."

Gary Rogers: "Basically, my father was most instrumental in realizing my dream. As I grew older, coaches in different organizations aided me."

For what school(s), minor league or major league teams did you play? What position(s)?

Mike Ignasiak: "I attended Orchard Lake St. Mary's Prep (OLSM), went on to the University of Michigan (UM), signed with the Milwaukee Brewers and finished my career with the Boston Red Sox. At OLSM I played short stop and pitcher. At UM, pitcher. Major leagues, pitcher."

Gary Ignasiak: "St. Mary's high school, Anchor Bay high school, Babe Ruth league, little league, ages 15-16 St. Clair Legion, ages 16-17 A & B Brokers Legion. Pro ball: Sarasota A ball - Lakeland A ball, Rocky Mountain A ball, Batavia A ball, Clinton A ball, Montgomery AA ball, Evansville AAA ball and Detroit Tigers major league. Strictly left handed pitcher."

Gene Rogers: "My experience with the national pastime began at the little league level, 6-12 years of age; the Babe Ruth league, ages 13-15; and the local high school, Clintondale, JV team. Later, Sr. Babe Ruth, a Federation league and varsity level at Clintondale. As I reached the age of 16, my dad and mom wanted me to concentrate on pitching. Now that I am reflecting back on my ability, I can see why. At 16 years of age, my fastball was clocked at 90 mph plus, an off-the-table curve ball which would start at the batters' eyes and end up at their knees and a dazzling slider thrown the same as my fastball to fool the competition. These talents sparked the interest of some college universities and I was offered scholarships to attend Vanderbuilt University and Central Michigan University. I decided to stay close to home to attend Macomb Community College, where my career in baseball ended."

Gary Rogers: "Clintondale little league, Babe Ruth league, Senior Babe Ruth, Clintondale high school and Macomb County Senior Pro league. I pitched, played the outfield and first base."

How did you handle the pressure of excelling at your game?

Mike Ignasiak: "My dad always said no matter what happens today, the sun will come up tomorrow. He taught me that in sports, you can only control one thing. You can't control what happens. You can't control other players, or the weather or playing conditions. In sports, you can only control you. Your attitude, how hard are you going to work, your concentration, your emotions. So ultimately, it all comes down to is how confident are you in you?"

Gary Ignasiak: "It wasn't so much handling pressure as it was either learn to perform at a certain level or you were gone. There were always ten people behind you."

Gene Rogers: "Excelling at my game under pressure was expected of me. What made it easy was the confidence and support of my parents, coaches and teammates. Up until the college level of playing baseball, I could rely on this support. In college, my parents still had confidence in me, but I lost confidence in myself due to the coaching staff changing my style of pitching, which made me ineffective causing depression on my part. I should have listened to my parents, and my heart; to leave that predicament and use my talents at another college."

Gary Rogers: "By focusing and concentrating on the position I would play, and to know the situation that is on the diamond."

What advice would you give to young people who are interested in playing major league baseball?

Mike Ignasiak: "Never let anyone tell you that you can't do something. Never give up the dream. Work harder than anyone else, and keep your mouth shut because no one likes a smart ass."

Gary Ignasiak: "What advice can you give that can prepare a person for failure 70%-80% of the time as a hitter, and 50% of the time as a pitcher? It's sometimes inside the person that drives them no matter what; to try and be successful no matter how many failures. Learn to mentally handle that and you've accomplished 90% of the battle."

Gene Rogers: "An education is something that nobody can take away from you! Start with this and your dream will fall into place. Listen to your parents, mentors or guardians first. They see the big picture. Lastly, always have heart."

Gary Rogers: "Listen to the coaches that are instructing you. They know more than you. Baseball is a game, not a business."

What mental skills did you use to help you improve your physical skills for the game?

Mike Ignasiak: "You have to believe you are better than everyone else. You have to believe that no matter what, that you're going to succeed. I don't care if you have failed 100 times in a row; you have to believe the next time you will succeed. It's this belief in yourself that carries you to better things."

Gary Ignasiak: "Physical skills were there for every pro ball player or he would not have been signed; some better than others. Those physical skills and your mental make-up gave you the edge. But now we have to take injuries into account. They happen anytime, and it can be over that quickly."

Gene Rogers: "I would prepare myself mentally, before each game, by listening to my favorite music. I'd use this music to get into a zone while I was pitching. My wind-up and delivery to home plate was so unique, the music in my head enhanced the repetition needed in order to be competitive."

Gary Rogers: "Actually, your mental and physical skills have to coincide with each other. Think, then react. You have to know every situation possible at that moment in time."

What obstacles did you need to overcome so that you could play your game? How did you overcome them?

Mike Ignasiak: "Thanks to my mom and dad, I really didn't have any obstacles to overcome. I guess, really, the only thing I can think of is, do you believe in yourself enough? Sometimes emotionally you let it get to you if, when you look around and see all the great players and you ask yourself if I'm good enough to play this game at the highest level with these guys? I always thought, I wouldn't be here if someone didn't believe I could compete at this level."

Gary Ignasiak: "Obstacles were there daily. New players, injuries, slumps; you just had to keep moving forward to the best of your ability. Some just were better at it."

Gene Rogers: "During my high school years I was sidelined with injuries due to automobile accidents. These accidents forced me to miss half of the high school baseball season. This did not discourage me. A minor set back to set my goal for a stronger comeback was my plan. A desire to play the game to the best of my ability was the plan. It worked during my high school years, but was crushed during my college years."

Gary Rogers: "Peer pressure. By putting baseball first and having dedication to the game, I overcame it."

What are your most memorable events during the course of playing baseball, either as an amateur or as a professional?

Mike Ignasiak: "In high school, it was getting the chance to play at old Tiger Stadium for the Catholic league championship, which we won. In college, it was my first game as a freshman. I was petrified! My hands and legs were shaking. I can't remember anything that happened during the game, but when it was all over, I had thrown a complete game, 2 hit shut out. So much for being nervous. In the Major Leagues, it was also my first game. It was against the World Series Champion Toronto Blue Jays, and the batter was John Olerued. I was nervous then also, and somehow threw a strike on the outside corner. I remember after throwing that first pitch for a strike, thinking to myself that I finally made it to the big leagues!"

Gary Ignasiak: "Naturally, being signed was personally my biggest thrill! I was naive back then to think that something like that could happen to me. Along with being signed, everything after that was memorable. All the players, coaches, managers, front office people, new cities, big league ball players, being actually called up to play in the big leagues and then playing with all your boyhood heroes. What a thrill!"

Gene Rogers: "Winning back-to-back State Championships in 1975 & 1976 with a group of teammates, whom I will never forget."

Gary Rogers: "My 15 minutes of fame happened when I was 18 years old. I was pitching in a Senior Babe Ruth State Championship, when I pulled myself out of the game at the top of the 6th inning after becoming tired. As I was leaving the mound, I received the longest and loudest standing ovation ever, which gave me a feeling I'll never forget. Another highlite: I'm enshrined in the 1974 edition of Athletes Of The Year, hard cover book, which is found at the Baseball Hall Of Fame in Cooperstown, New York."

How can major league baseball improve so that it can attract more fans to the game?

Mike Ignasiak: "First, it needs to speed up the game. Batters take too long to get into the batter's box. It seems that after every pitch, the batter takes his sweet old time getting back in the box. MLB should make it a rule that once you're in the batter's box, at least one foot has to remain in the box until the at-bat is over. Pitchers take too long between pitches. They should return to the rubber as soon as they get the ball back from the catcher, and start receiving the sign from the catcher. Umpires need to expand the strike zone, and MLB should get rid of the designated hitter."

"Somehow, the Major League owners need to visit some of the more successful minor league ball parks, and see what they are doing. The minor leagues are much more fan friendly than the Major Leagues."

Gary Ignasiak: "You're asking the wrong person. I'm old school. I played the game for the pleasure. I loved playing baseball, and still do."

Gene Rogers: "Whether you are a player or a fan, the game and the participants of baseball are constantly changing. Some good, some not so good. A person just needs to work with what is available at the time to reap the benefits of the sport."

Gary Rogers: "Lower player salaries, which in turn would lower ticket prices, which would attract more fans."

Please discuss any other questions or comments you would like to add for this article.

Gary Ignasiak: "Nothing else to add."

Gary Rogers: "When I played baseball, I played because of the enthusiasm and dedication to the game of baseball. I hope maybe some day, it'll be viewed that way once again."

Some concluding remarks:

As children and young adults, all four gentlemen had supportive parents, who supported their decision to play ball.

Each of them enjoyed playing the game as a child.

All four became pitchers.

All four have natural athletic talent.

All four have a love for the game. Each viewed playing baseball as fun!

Each had influential coaches, either for the good or bad.

Each had a belief in themself that fostered self-confidence.

Failing forward was a value that moved each of them through obstacles to grow as a person.

Keeping a positive attitude helped each become successful with their skills.

Sacrifices were made as one way to develop a work ethic.

Baseball and life:

Life can be difficult at times, and other times it can be fun. We all need support to get through it. Parents and other adults play a big role when we are young. If we are lucky, a sibling is available for support. As adults, we've all had bosses (coaches) who can be unreasonable, and we've had bosses who can be encouraging and fair. A belief in oneself can get us through most obstacles and barriers to what we want to achieve. There is always the opportunity to find out what we're good at, and then to go after it. Focus and concentration keeps us alert and aware of what we need to do to accomplish our goals. There is a sequence of events, or action steps, that we take when we set goals. Realizing a goal is something that we earn. Sometimes we fail, sometimes we succeed. A positive attitude won't get us everything we want, but it will get us anything better than a negative attitude. And sometimes in our quest to get what we want, we need to make sacrifices.

I see a lot of similarities!

Written by,
Mark S. Rogers, LPC.
Licensed Professional Counselor and
Nationally Certified Sports Counselor, Diplomate
(7/03)

Gene and Gary supporting Stooltime Counseling! Thanks.

SEPTEMBER 11th, 2001

2007-02-12T00:36:00.003-05:00

JUSTICE, FREEDOM AND LIFE!

The terrorist attacks on America that occurred on 9/11 left us shocked, confused, angry, hurt, afraid and sad. We as a nation share these feelings. None of us are alone. We witnessed the tragic loss of human life and billions of dollars worth of property damage. Terrorism profoundly affects all of us.

Some of us may have lost some sleep. Some are afraid to fly in an airplane again. The economy has taken a hit. Others grieve the loss of a loved one who may have been one of the targets of the terrorists. Some polls suggest that 7 out of 10 people are depressed. The attacks caught us by surprise, but now we need to get back up. Acts of terrorism are supposed to provoke emotional pain. It is supposed to hurt. It is a very deep kind of hurt that demands we stand up to rekindle our patriotism and fight for our freedoms. We need to take care of ourselves as a nation and as individuals. What can we do so that we do not become paralyzed by our emotions? What can we do to boost our spirits? Tough times require patience, resiliency and the voice of reason.

President Bush asks for us to be "patient" as we look for solutions. It is difficult for anyone to be "patient." The latin root to the word, "patient", means "to suffer." "Grant me patience, God, but please hurry." The nation's response to the terrorist attacks needs to be deliberate and thoughtful. That requires time. This is no time for "instant gratification." This is not a movie with a two hour beginning, middle and end. Our world has dramatically changed as a result of what happened on September 11th. We must accept this fact.

To be resilient means that we as a nation and as individuals must recover from the emotional shock initiated by terrorist activity. The psychological warriors, a.k.a. "terrorists", subjected this country to deep levels of distress. That was their goal. What can we do to encourage resiliency in ourselves and in our nation?

The first step is to acknowledge the critical incident (terrorist attacks) and its emotional impact on us. Are there any physical symptoms like sleep disturbance, headaches, or nausea? How have the events of 9/11 affected our ability to think? Are we having difficulty with problem solving, confusion, slowed thinking or making decisions? Emotionally, how deep does our fear extend? How angry are we? How much grief and sadness do we have and how is it affecting our ability to function?

The next step is to talk. Talk is the best medicine. Sometimes loved ones and caring friends can provide all the emotional support we need. Our children may be the most vulnerable. Parents, please be available to talk with your children, who may feel confused about these international events. Sometimes it is important to seek professional assistance. It may help to talk to a professional counselor. It is essential to come to terms with the feelings we are having. Symptoms normally subside and disappear in time. Talking about our feelings does not imply weakness or craziness. It is a sign of maturity and part of a plan for healing.

There is no voice of reason that explains why the terrorists attacked America and killed thousands of innocent people. It is "cock and bull" to suggest that the attacks occurred because someone's "higher power" wanted to punish America. No Deity dictates murder and chaos. Someone with a complicated delusional system might believe that irrational way of thinking. My God teaches love, passive resistance and respect for life. This is why I struggle with the concept of revenge. However, justice is different than revenge and so I trust my leaders to deal with that part of the equation. We as a nation need to be reasonable in learning how to cope with this tragedy. The terrorists' false beliefs (delusions) about their Deity do not represent the beliefs of others who share the same faith.

There is a difference between healthy religious feeling and religiosity.

Acts of terrorism encourage us to view the nature of man as basically evil. Yes, parts of our world are evil. However, there are the good parts, too. Let us continue as a nation, one by one, to focus on the good part of our human nature. Let us continue to use our gifts to support the needs of others during this time of tragedy. This may mean praying. It could mean donating our money or time to people who need it the most. Talking to others who feel the need to talk could be the answer.

It is unfortunate that it sometimes takes a tragedy to pull us together as a nation. It is fortunate that none of us are alone and that we have each other. Today is a gift. That is why it is called the present. What can we do today to be of help?

Written by,
Mark S. Rogers, LPC.
Licensed Professional Counselor
(9/01)

MONEY, MANURE AND PROFESSIONAL ATHLETES

2007-02-11T02:27:00.001-05:00

T.E.A.M.: Together Everyone Achieves More!

"Money is like manure. Spread it around and watch how things start to grow!" The line is taken from the book, "Auntie Mame", by Patrick Dennis, to make a point. Money is not really the root of all evil. I believe it is the root of motivation for most of us. People need money to live; some people need more of it than others. All of us give our own meaning to the value of money.

Take for example the professional athlete. Based on the salaries of professional athletes, I think it is safe to say that money motivates most of them to play their sport as opposed to playing for "the love of the game." I do not blame the athletes for having huge salaries. The market currently supports it.

Team owners invest their money. Fans buy tickets, sports attire and financially support the sponsors of televised games. Athletes get rich. This formula works well in our capitalistic society. This is in spite of how some people see the unfairness of it.

Some people think there are other professions more worthy of huge salaries. Teaching comes to mind. Unfortunately, envy is as much one of the deadly sins as greed. The purpose of this article is not to pit one profession against another. Its purpose is to speculate on what the world of sports would be like if an athlete's salary were based on achievement (current progress in relation to the team) versus aptitude (past achievement).

If money is the root of an athlete's motivation to play, how can the money be spread around so that things can grow? I am going to pretend I am the General Manager of the Detroit Tigers baseball team. I choose the Tigers because it is my hometown team. What can I do to help improve the team's performance to represent growth?

My leadership style would be key. As the General Manager, I understand that I do not have the power to motivate the team. Rather, I would work to create an environment where each team member is self-motivated. What motivates the players? Money. Each team member's salary would partly be based on achievement rather than on past performance or aptitude.

Signing a contract offering guaranteed "big money" is no guarantee that the athlete will perform like before. It is possible for the athlete to become comfortable after signing such a contract. This could affect performance. Self-improvement suffers when an athlete loses that hunger to excel. He might think, "Why work hard anymore? I have my money." Performance-based pay is the way to go to keep everybody's interest alive.

The atmosphere I would create for the team would be for everybody to have the opportunity to earn a lot of money if performance for the year merits it. Each team member would have a base salary, but all earnings afterwards would be based on current performance for the sake of the team. In this sense, the word, "team", means the owner, players and fans (Three-Legged Stool metaphor).

I know what you're saying, "But Mark, you can't do that. What about the free agency market and the player's union?" You've got me there. Providing financial incentives that reward achievement and team cooperation seem to place second to paying an athlete for their past accomplishments. There is no promise that a .300 hitter with 50 plus home runs from the year before can repeat that achievement one year later. I ask, why base the current year's salary on the past?

Some athletes may balk at the idea of having their pay based on their current achievement level. Some might think, "I don't want to sign a contract like that. What if I get hurt during the year and can't perform anymore?" Yes, that is a risk. What about the players who agree to such terms and then start to play their game with the sole intent to improve their statistics? That, too, would be contraindicated to a game plan whose intent is to create a winning atmosphere for the team owner, players and fans.

What kind of player would want to play on a team that offers merit-based pay? I would look for ball players who meet the following criterion:

1) Players who are aware of their skills and comfortable with them.

2) Players who compete, but also believe in team cooperation to accomplish goals.

3) Players who act in a professional manner most days by having the ability to channel their cognitive and emotional energy in to the game as opposed to acting-out their thoughts and feelings in non-professional ways.

4) Players who acknowledge past successes and believe there is always room for improvement.

5) Players who have a strong and positive work ethic.

6) Players who have agents who reasonably advocate for their players. This means keeping in mind the Three-Legged Stool metaphor during times of negotiations: Team owner, player, fans. All three together stand strong and sturdy like a balanced Three-Legged Stool.

7) Players who give back to the community outside of their sport.

I would look to sign ball players who want to lead by example, especially the veteran players. Team spirit is essential. It needs to be about "togetherness" rather than greed. Companies like Wal-Mart and other enlightened Corporations teach their employees about the acronym, "T.E.A.M.", which spells, "Together Everyone Achieves More!" The world of sports has become a business; lets treat it like a business.

Team owners are looking for ways to make a profit. Players are looking for ways to win. Fans are trying to find meaning with it all. To use the Three-Legged Stool as a model, all three legs (owners, players, fans) are interdependent.

When a team owner can find a way to create an atmosphere that fosters self-motivation, the players find a way to win games that reflect the message, "Together Everyone Achieves More", and fans believe that the players and owners are giving the game some meaning, well, I say, "PLAY BALL!"

The smell of manure just got sweeter. (What do you expect from a website that is named "Stooltime Counseling"?)

Admit it or not, professional athletes inspire the minds of young people as do parents and teachers!

Written by,
Mark S. Rogers, LPC.
Licensed Professional Counselor and
Nationally Certified Sports Counselor, Diplomate
(8/01)

Post Script: Did you hear the one about Jake the Mule?

A man is driving down a country road and is distracted by all of nature's beauty, causing him to drive in to a ditch. Nearby, he finds a farm house, where he stops to ask for help. The farmer agrees that he and his mule, Jake, could assist the man.

At the scene, the farmer gets Jake ready to pull the car by yelling, "Lets go Jake, and Zach, and Daniel and you, too, Matthew!" Sure enough, Jake pulls the car out of the ditch, all by himself.

The man is grateful, but perplexed, and asks the farmer, "Thank you, but why did you yell all those other names?" "You see", said the farmer, "Old Jake is strong, but he's blind, too. He is a team player. Jake performed because he thought a whole team of mules was helping him."

Moral of the story: Actually, there are two morals:

#1. It's a good idea to pay attention to the road when we're driving a car.
#2. T.E.A.M.= T-ogether E-veryone A-chieves M-ore!

MENTION MY NAME AND YOU'LL GET A GOOD SEAT!

2007-02-10T09:37:00.003-05:00

THE HUMAN EGO: STRONG YET FRAGILE

A man and his female friend are eating at a restaurant when all of a sudden the friend says she needs to excuse herself to use the public restroom. The man's response is, "Mention my name and you'll get a good seat!" It may be a funny line, but what is the underlying meaning to that response? Is the man attempting to impress his lady friend? Is the remark a declaration of personal importance? There is a part of us that enjoys being recognized and validated. It is called our "ego."

Our ego is part of our identity, image, or conscious self. It develops through contact with the external world. This mental entity we call our ego has many roles. It helps us to cope and resolve conflicts. It helps us give meaning to the outside world. Some people say that our ego defines our personality. Our ego likes to feel powerful. It thinks, feels and acts for itself, based on what we have experienced and learned throughout our life. It distinguishes itself from others and has a unique way of perceiving the world.

It is our ego that either acknowledges the need for help when we are in trouble or rejects other people's invitations to help us. For example, when someone has a problem with alcohol consumption (poor health, numerous DUIL's, unmanageable conflicts at work or with relationships), it is our ego that may interfere with the need to ask for help. Sometimes our ego needs to be humbled and we need to admit that we are powerless over a set of circumstances. We then need to ask for help. Our ego may not accept this fact. Getting help means to believe in something greater than our own ego so we can regain a functional balance in our life. "Let go and let God!" Sometimes counseling can help as well if our ego is ready to accept the need for professional objectivity.

Sigmund Freud, the grandfather of psychoanalysis, rates the "ego" between the "id" and the "superego."

The "id" is the reservoir of our primitive impulses (fantasies/wishes of a sexual or aggressive nature). It is like the basement to our home. Some people like to spend too much time in their basement and consequently live most of life in a fantasy world. Inappropriately acting-out these primitive impulses could be dangerous. Our ego helps to mediate between our primitive self and the outside world by warding-off dangerous "id" wishes so we can be safe.

The "superego" is our conscience, what some say separates us from the animal kingdom. It is like the attic to our home. Yes, there are some people who never visit their attic. These people have personality disorders and are called "anti-social."

Our "ego" is like the main floor (living quarters) to our home. We spend most of our time here because it represents times when we are conscious and in contact with the outside world.

The "observing ego" is an interesting concept. One of my goals as a counselor, as I work with clients, is to help people become aware of their "observing ego", which helps us develop a sense of objectivity to our problems. The ability to view ourselves objectively helps us to solve our problems because our self-perception changes. The "observing ego" helps us to look at ourselves more rationally. One example: It is our "observing ego" that would allow us to step outside of ourselves while being teased and tormented by a bully. We are more rational as we emotionally distance ourselves from the source of the conflict. We can then raise a mental shield and say to the bully that their problems are not our problems. It is the mental shield that stops the bully's problems from interfering with our peace of mind.

"Ego" is Latin for "I." It controls our actions, seeks compromise between the "id" impulses, social and parental prohibitions and the pressures of reality. Our "ego" can be a healthy self-awareness that advances our own interests or it can be used to inflate a sense of our own importance.

There is a balance between using our ego to maintain control over our behavior, given societal norms, and being so preoccupied with ourselves that we lack concern for others. There lies the difference between ego strengths and ego frailties.

Written by,
Mark S. Rogers, LPC.
Licensed Professional Counselor.
(6/02)

Thanks for supporting Stooltime Counseling, Midge and Al!

LEARNING THROUGH REPETITION

2007-02-08T00:00:00.014-05:00

POWER-UP USING THE SUB-CONSCIOUS MIND!

There is a school of thought that teaches us how to use the power of our sub-conscious mind to help reach our goals. High achievers have been known to use this tool to facilitate their human potential. Our human potential is realized as we set goals and objectives and then go about meeting them. Everybody faces obstacles and barriers in the quest to realize their goals. It is comforting to know that there are certain things we can do to help us overcome these barriers to make goal attainment more manageable. This article outlines one such method.

One part of this technique includes the use of specific affirmations, written in the present tense, which help instill self-confidence and a desire to learn what it takes to reach our goals. First, we write down personalized affirmations specific to what we want to achieve. What makes this technique so unique is that the affirmations we use are our own rather than from some canned script we hear on most self-help audio-cassette tapes.

The second part of this technique is to record the affirmations on tape. After that is done, it helps to dub some music or sound effects over the words to create an easy-to-listen, enjoyable audio-cassette tape.

The third part is to listen to the tape at bedtime and/or upon awakening in the morning, when our sub-conscious mind is most open to the power of suggestion.

When I attended graduate school to learn the counseling skills it takes to become an effective Counseling student, I created one of these tapes for myself. I recorded specific affirmations like: "I am actively listening to my clients." "I am learning how to develop empathy to better understand my client's treatment needs." "I am psychologically attending to each of my clients in the here-and-now during sessions." I chose the "Slow Ocean" sound effects tape to dub over the words. I listened to the tape at bedtime each night during my Practicum semester experience. I believed this was one tool that helped me to graduate.

Once we know our goal(s) and objectives, either we can create our own tape of affirmations or I can help. As a special offer to "Stooltime Counseling" readers, I can create the tape for you at no cost when you purchase two or more available Stooltime Counseling merchandise items. In addition to receiving your own 20 to 30 minute audio cassette tape for personal growth, side two will have a Relaxation Skills teaching session, the same one I provided to the Detroit Tigers Major League Baseball Team during their 1989 season. The relaxation skills I teach include progressive muscular, deep breathing and mental imagery techniques.

Unless you choose to act on your own by creating your own tape, I will need some specific information to create the tape for you:

1) What specific goal do you want to accomplish?
2) How do you plan to accomplish your goal?
3) How will you know when you have achieved your goal?

The more details you provide me, the better it will be.

Next, choose one of the following "Sound effects" for your tape and include this information with your request:

* Slow Ocean.
* Niagara Falls Waterworks.
* Ultimate Thunderstorm.
* English Meadow.
* None.

Remember to include a request and payment for the merchandise with this offer. Allow 3 to 4 weeks for delivery. All correspondence needs to be mailed to my P.O. Box address.

I look forward to using my expertise in helping to develop a tape that will work for you! Thank you!

The ABC's of reaching our goals:
A-ffirm
B-elieve
C-reate

Sincerely,
Mark S. Rogers, LPC.
Licensed Professional Counselor and
Nationally Certified Sports Counselor, Diplomate
(3/03)

Note: This article was written in March, 2003, when audio cassette tapes were readily available. Beginning in 2011, the above offer is no longer available; however, readers are encouraged to find a way that best allows the utilization of the main lesson: Learning Through Repetition!

Jamaica the parrot says, "Stooltime Counseling, Stooltime Counseling"! Learning Through Repetition. Thank you!

ONE DEFINITION OF INSANITY:

2007-02-07T23:26:00.000-05:00

DOING THE SAME THING OVER AND OVER AGAIN, BUT EXPECTING DIFFERENT RESULTS!

Conventional Psychiatrists, Psychologists and Counselors generally define the word, "insanity", to mean a state of mind or mood that has the propensity to affect a person's ability to function in a reasonable manner. This could include a clinical diagnosis like Schizophrenia, Major Depression or Bi-Polar Disorder. Before I explain a different definition of the word, lets briefly go over the clinical perspective.

Schizophrenia is a thought disorder, and can include symptoms like auditory or visual hallucinations, isolative behavior, paranoia or delusions. A person suffering from Schizophrenia often struggles with disturbing thoughts or internal stimulation, which impair one's capacity to relate to the world in a reasonable way.

Major Depression or Bi-Polar Disorder are mood disorders, and include symptoms like impaired sleep and appetite, chronic lethargy, anxiety or even mania. People who suffer from this type of chemical imbalance of the brain often complain that life is either hopeless or that their energy level is too high too often, which can eventually cause the person to "crash."

In either case, modern medicine is the first line of treatment. (It is essential to discuss the risks and benefits of this "better-living-through-chemistry" approach with the prescribing doctor.) Abstaining from alcohol and illicit drugs is part of the equation to staying well. Emotional support (family, church, community, counseling) is also very helpful. It builds self-esteem and a sense of hope.

At the risk of offending an advocacy group called, "PETA" (People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals), for obvious reasons, we cannot utilize animal studies to help us to understand, treat or cure mental illness in humans. To date, lack of animal studies in this arena has meant minimal progress. However, the field of Molecular Psychiatry is showing some promise in helping us realize the goal of curing mental illness some day.

Genetic research appears to be the wave of the future for identifying "flawed genes" that can cause symptoms of a mental illness when triggered by the correct environmental factors. The genetic concept also applies to other serious conditions, some of which are potentially fatal like cancer and heart disease. Since we don't have animal studies to better understand and treat mental illness, lets continue to improve genetic engineering applications.

The old Communist Russia had a unique way of defining mental illness or "insanity." It was a label given to people who did not agree with the politics of the government, often creating a sub-culture of people who were locked-up for their dissenting political views.

The remainder of this article will touch on a lighter meaning to the word, "insanity." I do not want to take away from the seriousness of clinical psychosis or depression. I want to document some specific behaviors that appear unreasonable, yet most of us tend to repeat, while hoping that our results be different each time.

Perhaps humans are creatures of habit/routine. This may account for us repeating the same self-defeating or self-actualizing behaviors. As a Counselor, I believe human beings, who gain insight into their self-defeating behaviors and show an effort to change, can stop the vicious cycle. If our habits are of the self-actualizing sort, there is no need for a counselor. The habits we choose to do create our lifestyle!

EXAMPLE ONE: The person who has the goal to lose weight and body fat, but who continues to repeat behaviors like eating unhealthy foods and avoiding a medically recommended exercise plan. Healthy nutrition and doctor recommended regular exercise is the "sane" approach to losing weight, building muscle and losing body fat. Achieving the results we want means taking a reasonable and time tested approach like nutrition and exercise. It takes insight plus effort to change. The alternative is to continue to do the things that do not get the results we want to achieve. That is "insane."

EXAMPLE TWO: The football coach who is headstrong about continuing to play his/her first string players even though the team is losing 42-7 at half-time. Wake up, coach, and think outside the box! There's half of a game left to play the second and third string players, and maybe realize different results.

EXAMPLE THREE: The student who studies for exams while under the influence of marijuana, but who expects to remember the information when sober. Lets repeat the words, STATE DEPENDENT LEARNING, and know that it is more rational to study with a clear mind if we expect to show the teacher what we've learned at exam time.

Sometimes we need to change our approach to get the results we want.

Written by,
Mark S. Rogers, LPC.
Licensed Professional Counselor
(3/03)

PRACTICE MAKES DIFFERENT

2007-02-06T21:41:00.001-05:00

IN LIFE, IT'S MORE RATIONAL THAN "PRACTICE MAKES PERFECT"

What does it mean to be "perfect?" In the world of sports, to bowl a perfect game means to throw 12 strikes in a row to score a 300. Is that any easier than shooting a "hole-in-one" in the game of golf, which would be the perfect shot? (Golfers, remember to bring an extra pair of pants with you each time you go golfing, in case you get a hole in one). In baseball, when a pitcher throws a no-hitter, it is considered to be the perfect game. What makes each of these achievements a measure of perfection? Is it because perfection in sports rarely happens? Not necessarily. Consider a 300 game in bowling. During the 2001-2002 season of sanctioned league play, there were 44,363 perfect games recorded. By contrast, during the 1963-1964 season, when there were almost three times as many sanctioned league bowlers, there were 829 perfect games recorded. Bowling the perfect game is no longer a rare occurrence. For any athlete, who strives to be elite, realizing the perfect game is the ideal. With a little bit of luck, and the right equipment, sometimes practice does make perfect. In life, however, practice makes different because NOBODY IS PERFECT!

It is not fair to compare our every day human behavior to isolated incidents within the world of sports. Even though it would be ideal to live the perfect life, one where we never make any mistakes, like a 300 game, hole-in-one or no-hitter, it is unlikely. What is more important is how we define the word, "perfect", in the game of life.

The perfect relationship, for example, is not one where the couple flawlessly connects with each other. How likely is that? Perhaps the perfect relationship is one that has both people supporting each other even when times are bad. The foundation for such a relationship is grounded in love.

Madison Avenue tends to perpetuate irrational ideals for women by suggesting that all women can look like the "perfect" models on TV. This is unrealistic, dangerous and could prove to be fatal if an eating disorder develops!

By literal definition, nobody is perfect. To be perfect means never to make any mistakes. Perfect people have no problems. Life is immaculately executed, day in and day out. The perfect person would never change. How can someone who is perfect ever improve or change? When we are perfect, there is no need to improve or change because we are already perfect!

Here is the typical self-talk of someone who thinks he/she is perfect: "See how great I am! I praise myself because I am so perfect. I can dominate people because I am impeccable. No one can disapprove of me because I am perfect!" PLEASE. STOP! What is it that conditions some of us to believe that we are perfect? From where do these unrealistic expectations emerge? It starts with our thoughts (self-talk), which influence how we feel (invincible, God-like, superior), which eventually filters down to our actions (maladaptively compulsive, self-defeating and always unduly fussing over details, be it at work, with the car or home, etc.).

Perfectionism is an ideal, something for which to strive, but never really getting there. To be perfect and to have perfectionistic traits are two different things. For example, it is good to find a dentist who is a perfectionist, one who does their professional best when working in a patient's mouth. Engineers who work to build things are compelled to use their skills in near perfect ways. It is good to build a bridge that has as few flaws as possible so it is safe for people to cross. We can pick any profession and say the same thing: STRIVE FOR EXCELLENCE! However, that root canal or freeway overpass can only be near perfect, based on the literal definition of the word, "perfect."

We could go to any Obstetrics ward at any hospital to look at all the babies. Guess what we would find, and what we might say: "Look at each of those babies. They're beautiful!" Yes, each baby is beautiful. Each is one of a kind, unique. Some will be good at math, others at music. If we lived in a perfect world, each would be good at math, music and everything else. Each baby would be perfect. Of course, in the eyes of the mom and dad, each baby is perfect. Based on that definition of the word, there is no argument. However, to really be perfect means we would know all about everything.

Yes, perfection is an unattainable goal, but striving for EXCELLENCE is possible. Striving for excellence demands a lot of practice. It also means we may need to problem solve differently if what we are doing is not working. We can learn to make positive choices, ones that promote the welfare of our society, community, relationships and ourselves.

Take for example Mr. Tom Izzo, basketball coach for the 2000 NCAA National Champions, Michigan State Spartans. Under Tom Izzo's leadership, the team's win-loss record was initially bleak, leaning toward more losses than wins, until Izzo re-evaluated his style of team building. A staff meeting was called by Izzo to discuss a new game plan. One might think that only the coaching staff and players attended the meeting. Think again. Izzo invited the players, coaching staff, secretaries and even the janitor. What could the janitor do to help the team? Izzo asked the janitor to keep the gym door propped-open late at night so the team could PRACTICE, PRACTICE, PRACTICE. The strategy worked. Izzo now proclaims to have the only janitor on staff who wears a National Championship ring! The basketball team became number one in the nation in the year 2000 because of team building and PRACTICE, PRACTICE, PRACTICE. Practice does make different.

When else does practice make different? Children who read more than they watch TV universally do better in school. The kids who watch TV more than they read are generally the ones who get lower grades in school. Reading a lot won't guarantee perfect grades, but the grades are universally better than the students who watch a lot of TV. Practice makes different.

Someone who is satisfied with the status quo in life is someone who is generally not goal-directed toward self-improvement. This type of person might think, "If it ain't broke, don't fix it." On the other hand, someone who seeks to do better with their life has a different self-perception: "If it ain't broke, look harder!" Something can always be fixed to be made different. This is because life is neutral, not perfect. We get out of life what we put into it.

How can we increase our level of satisfaction with life? Choose a goal and then PRACTICE, PRACTICE, PRACTICE. By doing that, even though we won't achieve perfection, the results will be different. I think it makes life more interesting and less boring.

PERFECTION IS AN ILLUSION.

Written by,
Mark S. Rogers, LPC.
Licensed Professional Counselor
(1/03)
Michael and Lynn support Stooltime Counseling! Thanks!

HOW ASSERTIVE ARE YOU?

2007-02-05T14:14:00.013-05:00

ANSWER THE FOLLOWING QUESTIONS TO FIND OUT

There are three major ways of communicating with others: Passiveness, Assertiveness and Aggressiveness. Each of the three has their own benefits and pitfalls.

Sometimes being passive works, other times it does not work for us. Generally speaking, to be passive means we negate our own thoughts, feelings and behaviors at the expense of trying to please others.

In general, to be aggressive means we negate the thoughts, feelings and actions of others at the expense of trying to please ourselves.

There is a middle ground, a style of communication that respects the rights of others and ourselves. It is the ideal. It is called, ASSERTIVENESS.

The following 35 questions will be helpful in assessing your assertiveness skills.

For some questions, the Assertive end of the scale is measured at 0, and for others at 4.

Key:
0 means no or never.
1 means somewhat or sometimes.
2 means average.
3 means usually or a good deal.
4 means almost always or entirely.

Keep track of your score on a separate sheet of paper.

If someone treats you poorly do you let him know? 0, 1, 2, 3, 4

Is it difficult for you to make decisions? 0, 1, 2, 3, 4

Do you openly criticize others' ideas/behaviors? 0, 1, 2, 3, 4

Do you speak-up if someone takes cuts in line? 0, 1, 2, 3, 4

Do you avoid people for fear of embarrassment? 0, 1, 2, 3, 4

Do you have confidence in your own judgement? 0, 1, 2, 3, 4

Are you prone to "fly off the handle?" 0, 1, 2, 3, 4

Do you insist household chores be evenly divided? 0, 1, 2, 3, 4

Is it hard to say "NO" to an aggressive salesman? 0, 1, 2, 3, 4

If a latecomer is waited on first, do you object? 0, 1, 2, 3, 4

Do you avoid speaking up in a heated discussion? 0, 1, 2, 3, 4

If someone owes you money, do you mention it? 0, 1, 2, 3, 4

Do you pursue arguments that are long over? 0, 1, 2, 3, 4

Do you generally express what you feel? 0, 1, 2, 3, 4

Are you disturbed if someone watches you at work? 0, 1, 2, 3, 4

Is it difficult to keep eye contact when talking? 0, 1, 2, 3, 4

If someone annoys you, do you ask him to stop? 0, 1, 2, 3, 4

Do you tell a waitress if the service is poor? 0, 1, 2, 3, 4

Do you return defective items to the store? 0, 1, 2, 3, 4

When angry, do you swear or use name calling? 0, 1, 2, 3, 4

Are you a wallflower in social situations? 0, 1, 2, 3, 4

Do you often make decisions for others? 0, 1, 2, 3, 4

Do you ask service providers to be accountable? 0, 1, 2, 3, 4

Can you openly express love and affection? 0, 1, 2, 3, 4

Can you ask friends for help or a favor? 0, 1, 2, 3, 4

Do you think you always have the right answer? 0, 1, 2, 3, 4

Can you verbally differ with someone you respect? 0, 1, 2, 3, 4

Can you say NO to a peer's unreasonable request? 0, 1, 2, 3, 4

Do you have difficulty giving praise to others? 0, 1, 2, 3, 4

If second hand smoke bothers you, can you say so? 0, 1, 2, 3, 4

Do you bully to get others to do what you want? 0, 1, 2, 3, 4

Do you finish other people's sentence for them? 0, 1, 2, 3, 4

Do you get into physical fights with others? 0, 1, 2, 3, 4

At family meals, do you control the conversation? 0, 1, 2, 3, 4

At meeting a stranger, are you the first to talk? 0, 1, 2, 3, 4

UNDER 65: OVERLY PASSIVE OR AGGRESSIVE.
65 TO 75: GENERALLY ASSERTIVE.
OVER 75 : OVERLY PASSIVE OR AGGRESSIVE.

ASSERTIVE COMMUNICATION AND BEHAVIOR ARE SKILLS THAT CAN BE LEARNED TO ENHANCE THE QUALITY OF RELATIONSHIPS.

Written by,
Mark S. Rogers, LPC.
Licensed Professional Counselor.
(12/02)

STC has gone to the dogs, but I love it! Good girls! Thanks for supporting Stooltime Counseling, Tegra and Salem!

WHAT DO YOU WANT TO BE WHEN YOU GROW UP?

2007-02-05T13:49:00.015-05:00

WHAT IS YOUR OCCUPATIONAL DAYDREAM?

"Row, row, row your boat, gently down the stream. Merrily, merrily, merrily, merrily, life is but a dream!"

This song, which most of us know, is a metaphor for the part of us that wants to create, build, work, achieve and produce. Lets break it down:

The words, "Row, row, row," symbolize action, work and energy being used to accomplish something. In this example, we are moving from point "A" to point "B" on the stream.

"Your boat" are words that encourage us to be in our own boat as opposed to someone else's boat while we are rowing. What occupation does our boat represent? Did we pick our own boat or did someone else pick it for us? Perhaps we are rowing someone else's boat and working in an occupation that is not what we want.

"Gently" is a soft word/adverb that describes how to row so we do not view our "work" as a four letter word. We are working "smart" rather than "hard." It's all in our attitude about our job.

The words, "Down the stream," encourage us to go with the flow rather than waste energy going "up the stream." It is easier to row "down the stream" than "up the stream." Rowing "up the stream" can cause feelings of exhaustion. How energized or passionate do we feel about our chosen line of work?

"Merrily, merrily, merrily, merrily," are the words that suggest we can be happy with what we do for a living. Are we happy with our chosen occupation?

"Life is but a dream." What is our occupational daydream? What do we want to be when we grow up?

HELP IN FINDING YOURSELF AND A JOB:

Career: A life-long involvement that encompasses your interests, abilities, goals and self-concept.

Occupation: Work involvement involving formal teaching.

Vocation: Talents are used; sometimes no teaching needed.

Job: A specific set of work tasks carried out in an occupation.

TAKE THIS JOB AND LOVE IT:

In order to find an enjoyable work place, you must know the following: Your interests, personality, values, skills, abilities, goals, preferences and attitudes.

Knowledge of job characteristics needed: Training, tasks involved, working conditions, benefits, wages, hours, etc.

Your PREFERENCES overrule your ABILITIES in terms of achieving SUCCESS. When you get true satisfaction from your work, success is achieved. No one can predict the future job market - so you need to follow your interests when looking for a job. Objective: To find a job that will satisfy your psychological and physical needs so you can be happy!

Three important questions to ask yourself before looking for a job:

1) Who am I?
2) What do I most want to accomplish?
3) How do I go about it? (A strategy is needed).

For a successful job hunt you need to know which skills you enjoy using, know where you would enjoy using them and know how to get to the place where you can use these skills. Important achievements help you to identify your skills.

Three parts to identifying your skills:

TRAITS (Adjectives that describe you).
FUNCTIONAL (What are you capable of doing?).
TASK (Skill used on the job).

All skills are transferable. Example: A waitress uses some of the same skills as a Corporate Executive (memory, organizing, etc.)

The chicken and the egg question: Does using your skills help to develop your self-esteem or do you first need self-esteem to begin to use your skills?

Some important questions to consider prior to looking for your ideal job:

What is your ideal job?
What are your personal strengths?
What is your philosophy of life?
What is your ultimate life goal?
What working conditions are of interest to you?
What geographical location is preferred in which to work?
What do you want to be doing 10 years from now?
How can it be achieved?

A resume needs to focus on your skills rather than trivia or past experiences. The resume lands you the job interview. During the job interview, talk about skills and how you can use them to help the employer solve their problems.

GOOD LUCK! KEEP THE FAITH! IT CAN BE DONE!

"Row, row, row your boat, gently down the stream. Merrily, merrily, merrily, merrily, life is but a dream!"

OCCUPATIONAL INFORMATION INTERVIEW:

Prior to seeking an occupational path, it is a good idea to do some research about the job in which you are interested. This will take detective skills and leg work to get some answers. This means doing some homework and preparation to learn about your occupational daydream at the outset of your job-seeking journey.

The Occupational Information Interview is a tool that is used to get first-hand job information from a person who is already doing what you want to be doing. Lets say you're interested in working as a teacher. What better way to find out about the teaching profession than to personally interview a teacher? A lot of valuable information can be obtained by interviewing someone who is already working your occupational daydream. As a sidebar, asking someone about their livelihood is different than going to a job interview.

When deciding who you want to interview, remember that most people enjoy talking about themselves and their jobs, especially with someone who is genuinely interested. Now it's time to get out there, schedule an appointment with the person whom you want to interview and learn more about your occupational daydream!

Here are the questions:

What are your major duties and responsibilities?

What aspects of your position do you find most interesting, and what aspects do you enjoy the least? What are the rewards, and what are the sacrifices?

Where does the position fit within the organizational structure of your organization?

What jobs/positions have you held that led up to this position?

What entry level jobs would qualify a person for this type of position?

What jobs could someone in your position pursue for advancement, and what are the prerequisites for advancement?

What academic preparation is necessary for entry level jobs in this occupation (specific courses, extracurricular experiences, etc.)?

What is the current demand for people in this occupation?

Does this job exist in other types of work settings (companies, organizations, agencies, educational institutions)?

What are the salary ranges for the various jobs in the career ladder for this occupation?

How does the position fit within your total lifestyle?

Does this position fulfill any of your personal interests and needs? On the other hand, have you made personal sacrifices or compromises to remain in this occupation/job/position?

Written by,
Mark S. Rogers, LPC.
Licensed Professional Counselor.
(12/02)

Thanks for supporting Stooltime Counseling, Cheryl!

FAKE IT 'TIL YOU MAKE IT

2007-02-05T00:51:00.001-05:00

USING THE POWER OF THE MIND TO EFFECT CHANGE

The purpose of this article is to encourage the message: PEOPLE CAN AND DO CHANGE. All too often, many of us buy in to the myth, "You can't teach an old dog new tricks." Maybe it is easier for us to make changes in our lives when we are young and not so set in our ways, but older people can change their own behaviors, too. It is irrational to believe that we have the power to "change" someone else. Ultimately, we only have control over ourselves.

If people can and do change, why are there so many sad stories about people who experience hardships in their lives? Take for example the alcoholic. Why does the data on alcoholism suggest that an alcoholic needs to hit "rock bottom" before realizing the need to abstain from alcohol? Many serious drinkers equate an empty bottle to an empty life. Where's the happiness? Why do some smokers need to experience serious health problems before acknowledging the need to quit smoking? What makes some gamblers lose their home and financial savings before learning the lesson of futility, that there is a time to know when to give up? The answers to these questions are as complex as the human condition. There are no simple answers.

Many people laughed when Nancy Reagan came up with the slogan, "Just say no", to peer pressure to do illicit drugs or alcohol. When some people hear Nike's slogan, "Just do it", they ask, "Who? Me?" After all, "Just say no" and "Just do it" are only words, vibrations in the air. However, words have meaning, and our subconscious mind takes the literal meaning to what we say. The words we say to ourselves do have an impact on what we think, feel and do about something. It is a mental skill that helps us to change any problematic behavior including the irrational and addictive ones described above. Slogans of an affirmative nature, like those of Nancy Reagan and Nike, are easy to remember and helpful to those who want to use them to their advantage. The starting point by which we change any undesireable behavior is our awareness of the words we say to ourselves.

How ironic is the following case scenario? Picture someone who is enjoying a cigarette, while saying to himself, "I am a non-smoker." On the surface, it sounds ludicrous. The smoker is "faking it" as evidenced by saying one thing and doing another. His words are not consistent with his actions. By way of learning through repetition, a strategy employed by marketing experts vis-a-vis television commercials, if the smoker continues to use the phrase, "I am a non-smoker", the smoker is beginning to program his subconscious mind to believe it. Successful smoking cessation is a bit more complicated than that, but the process starts with "self-talk".

Some people call "self-talk" a form of "self-hypnosis". Since we all do it, isn't it time we decide what kind of "self-talk" is acceptable as opposed to accepting any automatic words that come to mind? All behavioral change begins in the mind. It is by how we talk to ourselves that creates our reality. In the smoking example above, if the person's goal is to stop smoking, the person must first convince his subconscious mind to believe it. As the smoker's mind begins to believe it, the person then takes the additional steps needed to accomplish his goal. An Addictions Counselor will say that a client who smokes, drinks or gambles must be "ready" to give up the behavior before successful treatment can occur. The client's "self-talk" is the precursor to treatment. Treatment could include counseling, support groups or even medical intervention.

What personal behavior bothers you about yourself? What kinds of behavioral changes need to occur to improve your level of satisfaction with life? Take a personal inventory. Too many angry outbursts? To yourself, say the words you want to become when you feel angry. Mentally affirm your commitment to behavioral change by saying the words, "I am an assertive person, who respects the rights of myself and others." Repeat the words whenever possible, every day. Then learn what it takes to change. Your subconscious mind will be waiting for you to catch up. "Fake it 'til you make it!"

Written by,
Mark S. Rogers, LPC.
Licensed Professional Counselor.
(9/02)

Thanks for supporting Stooltime Counseling, Kary!

A TRAINING BAG OF MENTAL TOOLS FOR THE ATHLETE

2007-02-04T09:33:00.010-05:00

THE MENTAL EDGE: THE SEVEN TOOLS TO CARRY IN A SPORTS PSYCHOLOGY BAG

It is safe to say that athletes are always looking for ways to improve their skill level. Some athletes try risky methods like steroid use or blood doping. Others are more rational and learn to use the power of their mind to enhance the execution of their physical skills. The purpose of this article is to introduce seven mental skills that will help athletes at all levels of competition, from recreational to elite, acquire optimal performance in their sport. As an athlete learns, uses and refines these seven mental skills, there is an increased ability to cope with adversity on and off the field.

The National Institute of Sports Professionals is teaching counseling professionals, who have a passion for sports, how to work with athletes, coaches, trainers, teams and parents. One goal is to set-up programs that educate athletes how to achieve excellence in their sport. One objective of a Sports Counselor is to teach an athlete how to pack a "Sports Psychology Bag", which carries a number of psychological skills and tools that when used, can help an athlete be prepared for anything that might occur during competition. Learning how to use these skills takes time and effort, there is no "magic wand".

The easiest way to make a Sports Counselor cringe is to ask him or her for a "magic wand" that will immediately solve a game-related performance problem. There is no "magic wand" to help a coach develop an instant rapport with the team. There is no "magic wand" to help an athlete develop self-confidence over night. These two goals are attainable, but it takes time and effort to attain them. The good news is that once the mental skills are mastered, the effects are longer lasting than what can be done with a "magic wand". Lets cut to the chase. Here are the seven mental skills that can help an athlete and the team improve their game:

1) Attention control skills.
2) Emotional management skills/Arousal regulation.
3) Goal setting.
4) Imagery skills.
5) Cognitive skills.
6) Communication skills.
7) Stress management skills.

Tool # 1) ATTENTION CONTROL TRAINING: Concentration skills are important. A lapse in concentration could mean the difference between success and defeat. An elite athlete has learned how to pay attention to what is going on inside of his/her head and within the environment during practice and a game. The athlete can analyze, mentally rehearse and execute a performance in a matter of seconds. Concentration skills help an athlete deal with pressure/tension, manage internal stimulation and cope with distractions. How can the athlete use their internal dialogue to their favor? How does an athlete shift their way of thinking to avoid obsessing over a mistake? Is the focus more on the outcome of the match or on the process of getting there? How does an athlete clear the mind of distractions like self-doubt and fear which can lead to worry and anxiety? How does an athlete learn to use the power of concentration to overcome adverse mental distractions or intrusive thoughts that are contraindicated to optimal performance?

One mental process that creates a stable base to help with performance is called, "CENTERING". The athlete learns to focus on their breathing to feel more grounded and relaxed. This "CENTERING" process gets rid of racing thoughts that can impair athletic performance. Focusing on our breaths is the first step to an increased ability to mentally concentrate and pay attention to what needs to be done on the field.

Another "Attention Control" tool that keeps an athlete internally focused, which helps clear the mind of distractions and manage physical tension, is called, "SELF-TALK". The objective is to mentally focus on one or two key phrases to help decrease muscular tension to help improve performance. During a race, a runner might say to himself, "Run fast". A batter on a baseball team could say something like, "Watch the pitcher's rhythm as the ball is thrown; see and hit baseball". The athlete's objective is to shift the focus from external distractions and muscular tension to the task at hand.

An awareness of the breathing rhythm will help provide the structure to accomplish the need to be internally focused so energy can be spent on the task at hand. Specific "self-talk" phrases that help to mentally rehearse what needs to be done can decrease distractions and refocus energy.

Tool # 2) EMOTIONAL MANAGEMENT/AROUSAL REGULATION: The arousal continuum has a range starting with deep sleep and extending to extreme excitement. Feelings cannot be controlled, but they can be managed. An elite athlete knows how to emotionally prepare for an event, yet is able to pace him/herself. This means having the ability to manage the physical symptoms (increased heart rate, sweating, muscle tension, dry mouth, increased urination) associated with an increased arousal state. The athlete's interpretation of the event makes the difference between coping with the anxiety and not coping with it.

There are two sets of techniques athletes can use to manage the arousal state:

A) Muscle to Mind: This includes progressive relaxation skills, which is the process of tensing and relaxing each muscle group in the body to learn how to identify the difference between tensed and relaxed muscles.

B) Mind to Muscle: This includes learning skills like meditation imagery and self-hypnosis. The athlete takes time to focus on his/her breathing, as one example, and then says to him/herself, "My heart rate is calm and regular."

In contrast, some athletes may need to learn how to induce an arousal state to prepare for a competition. Here are a few examples:

A) Teammates can talk to each other in a competitive mode.
B) Listen to music.
C) "Self-Talk" can include the use of active words like, "EXPLODE" or "RUSH".

Tool # 3) GOAL SETTING: A simple but powerful tool. This tool provides structure for an athlete to achieve optimal performance. Some guidelines:

a) Be specific.
b) Be realistic.
c) Progress from making short-range goals to making long-range ones.
d) Focus on performance goals rather than outcome goals.
e) Set goals for practice as well as for competition.
f) Be positive rather than negative. "I want to hit the ball" vs. "I don't want to strike out."
g) Establish a target date for achieving goals.
h) Make sure goals are measureable.
i) Use a training journal to record progress.
j) Evaluate progress, get feedback from others.
k) Enlist the support from others when setting goals to decrease self-sabotage potential.

Tool # 4) IMAGERY: Using all of the senses to create an experience in the mind. The ability to mentally rehearse one's performance from beginning to end before it actually happens. Types of imagery: To be able to watch oneself perform from a 3rd party perspective as well as from one's own eyes. Uses:

a) Skill acquistion and refinement.

b) Visualizing all of the plays in the playbook.

c) To increase self-awareness. Do legs feel heavy while running? Imagine legs as pistons in an engine.

d) Use imagery to see oneself going to talk to the coach to decrease feelings of intimidation.

e) Recovery from injury. Imagining that physical skills remain sharp while out on recovery. This helps to cope with the pain and speeds recovery.

f) Helps to calm the mind to help with the execution of fine motor skills.

When practicing mental imagery, be aware of distractions like negative self-talk. Be aware that self-talk can either enhance or interfere with our performance. While practicing mental imagery, use all five senses to mentally rehearse overcoming adversities like negative self-talk to decrease chances of becoming distracted during a game. A Sports Counselor can guide an athlete through this process.

Tool # 5) COGNITIVE SKILLS: Our thinking affects our feelings and actions. An athlete's goal: To develop specific thinking habits like "mastery of a task" (mentally preparing for a game), and "learned optimism" (a predisposition to stay focused on the positive by using self-talk as a key to this type of cognitive control). The Sports Counselor's goal: To help athletes think more effectively. This could mean teaching athletes to focus on strengths and desired outcomes and the "here and now" rather than deficits. A golfer would focus on hitting the ball on to the green (positive) instead of not hitting the ball in to the water (failure).

Self-talk is verbal persuasion used to influence one's expectation to succeed at a specific task. It helps us to focus on what we want to do; the point of power is on the "here and now". For a bowler, this means bowling one frame at a time. Athletes need to monitor their self-talk during practice and competition. Sports Counselors help athletes become aware of their self-talk to help them be in more control of their game.

TECHNIQUES FOR CONTROLLING SELF-TALK:

a) Thought stopping - "STOP" the racing thoughts.

b) Cognitive restructuring - Using positive self-statements to focus on what can be done. This increases self-confidence.

c) Reframing - Rather than think/say, "I am tense and anxious", say, "I am excited, I am ready!"

d) Rational thinking - Focusing on the task at hand rather than the whole game. This decreases mental pressure and perfectionistic thinking.

e) Affirmations - Repeating constructive statements over and over that reflect a positive attitude and image of oneself. A golfer might affirm, "I am a consistent putter."

Tool # 6) COMMUNICATION SKILLS: This set of tools is the foundation for any winning sports program. Communication inspires motivation, team dynamics, setting goals and objectives and expectations of athletes and coaches. One chief complaint of many athletes, "My coach won't listen to me." Another role of a Sports Counselor is to teach the team how to build rapport, how to attentively listen to each other, and how to earn each other's trust/respect.

Just like in any marriage, conflict resolution is important. Learning how to express feelings constructively helps to increase understanding/empathy among team members. This builds a strong marriage between team members! Problem solving, decision making and assertiveness training are other communication skills that can be taught by a competent Sports Counselor.

Tool # 7) STRESS MANAGEMENT SKILLS: These skills are an integration of tools 1 thru 6 above. They enhance an athlete's ability to cope with adversity by reducing distress. There are three different approaches to take:

1) ENVIRONMENTAL - Preparing for different conditions like travel and weather.
2) SOMATIC - Using relaxation techniques, physical exercise, nutrition and injury recovery.
3) COGNITIVE - Using self-talk to cope with arousal.

INTRODUCTION, INTEGRATION, IMPLEMENTATION: It is the job of the Sports Counselor or coach to introduce the seven mental skills to the athlete/team. Everyone from the recreational to the elite athlete can benefit. Off-season, pre-season or even year round is the best time to implement. Athletes benefit the most when skills are practiced during the first or last 15 to 30 minutes of practice. Set specific mental goals each time. The head coach needs to be present during this time to add value to the mental skills training program. If a Sports Counselor initiates the program, it is a good idea to analyze and evaluate it down the line. The counselor needs to get feedback from the coaching staff and athletes.

POTENTIAL PROBLEM AREAS: Player reluctance to participate, lack of time spent with individual athletes within a team setting and less than full cooperation from the coaching staff.

Athletes need to be encouraged to use and refine these mental skills so that these tools can be pulled from their Sports Psychology Bag at any time, even when faced with adversity. Learning how to cope with adversity decreases the chances of an athlete becoming dependent on the Sports Counselor.

PLAY BALL!

Thanks to Dr. Sharon Colgan and Dr. Jeff Jones, who presented the information in this article at a Sports Counselor conference in San Antonio, Texas in 2001. Portions of this article have been paraphrased from their audio cassette tape.

Written by,
Mark S. Rogers, LPC.
Licensed Professional Counselor and
Certified Sports Counselor, Diplomate.
(7/02)
Robert and Abby sporting their Stooltime Counseling ball caps. Thanks for your support! Note how the bill on each cap protects your eyes from potentially damaging sun rays.

DROP AND GIVE ME TWENTY!

2007-02-03T10:59:00.017-05:00

I want to exercise -vs- I should exercise. There is a difference.

Human beings tend to repeat behaviors that are rewarded and avoid behaviors that are punished. Some people would say that it is part of our human nature to seek pleasure and avoid pain. Rewards are pleasureable and punishments are painful. To further explore this concept, ask any responsible parent who works hard to discipline their child. When a child is rewarded for doing well in school, the positive behavior is more likely to be repeated than if it were punished or ignored. When parents reward achievement, the child learns to achieve. Some people may argue that the "reward-punishment" concept teaches us to avoid the punisher because we are going to do what we want to do anyway. Think of the speeding driver who slows down after seeing the police in order to avoid getting a ticket and higher insurance premiums. Others may say that using rewards and punishments to teach a child creates a frustrated child, one who is always trying to please his/her parents. STOP. Lets keep this simple. Lets avoid thinking deviously for right now and apply the "reward-punishment" concept to exercise.

Based on the theory, "seek-pleasure" and "avoid-pain", I assert that the people who are most likely to want to exercise on a regular basis are those who associate exercise with pleasure. The feeling of pleasure is the reward. Likewise, the people who do not exercise on a regular basis are those who associate it with pain. The feeling of pain is the punishment. The pain is not necessarily physical in nature. It could be emotional like viewing exercise as an inconvenience because "there is no time to do it." When we think there is no time to exercise, we are choosing to do something else instead. The emotional pain is felt as an anxiety that asks us to choose. When we are emotionally torn to do one of two things, we tend to do the one thing that is most important at the time.

Based on current polls (year 2002), about 30% of us associate exercise with pleasure and work-out on a regular basis. The numbers are up from 30 years ago when approximately 15% of us regularly worked-out. If we extrapolate the numbers, 100% of us will be physically fit by the year 3042. Current trends to live a physically fit lifestyle show a 5% increase in the numbers every ten years. This is in spite of all the "doom and gloomers" who say that we are getting lazier and lazier as a society because we are spoiled with our technology. Even though the numbers are based on a poll rather than a scientific study, it is encouraging to hear that people are more motivated to stay in shape today than yesterday, despite the convenience of driving our cars, the luxury of playing video games and the luxury of using the remote control for the TV set.

What is the difference between "wanting to exercise" and "shoulding to exercise?" That's easy. The latter is more messy than the former. It would be messy to "should" all over ourselves. (Another unintended reference to stool from the Stoolman). "Wanting to exercise" implies an internal motivation. It is a choice based on what we are thinking and feeling. What do we think about exercise? Is it an important part of our life? What do we feel about exercise before, during and after exercising? Sometimes the motivation to exercise comes after a good work-out, when we feel euphoric from the release of endorphins in to our bloodstream. The more pleasureable the thoughts and feelings, the more likely we are to exercise. On the other hand, to say, "I should exercise", implies another emotionally painful experience. Many of us have been conditioned to equate exercise with pain, so we either exercise once in a while or not at all. When we do, there's a part of us that tells us that we "should", but another part of us that says we really don't want to exercise.

In general, our society does not view regular exercise as important. Why then "should" we view it as important? School boards do not view physical education classes as important to the curriculum in schools. Coaches punish athletes who do not meet their expectations by demanding laps or push-ups. What ever happened to intra-mural sports at school? When will health insurance companies pay for memberships at the gym as an incentive to work-out? Do they still think there's a difference between physical fitness and health? I believe the research suggests more of a correlation between fitness and health, which would mean fewer health insurance claims in the long-run. If the societal odds are against us, and if we are struggling to improve our fitness and health levels, what can we do about it? It begins with an "internal locus of control.

It is very important to consult with our primary care physician before starting an exercise program. Each consultation is individualized, but depending on our age, our doctor may want to do an EKG and cholesterol level check to identify which fitness program best meets our needs. Once we get medical clearance, we are ready to begin the mental preparation that will keep us motivated for as long as we choose.

If we are having a difficult time believing how natural it is for us to be engaged in playful, physical activity, think about how a little baby enjoys being carefully lifted up in to the air by an adult. As the mom or dad gently raises-up their baby to get a view of the world from above shoulder height, the baby usually responds by smiling and laughing. The baby is responding favorably to the gentle physical movement. As adults, when we are exercising, we are rekindling that need for playfulness and physical movement that we enjoyed as babies. This rationale is part of Freudian theory, and it sounds good to me.

When we want to start or continue a regular exercise plan, we need to set goals and objectives to give us a specific direction. Without a goal, we may end-up where we are headed, and it may not be where we want to go. The goal could be related to decreasing our percentage of body fat, improving our self-esteem by having a more positive body image, managing our hormone levels to improve our daily mood or any other goal of which we can think. Our objectives would include specific action steps to be taken to accomplish our goal(s). This might mean engaging in a walking program, pumping iron, participating in a yoga class, joining a softball league or any other physical activity that helps to get us moving. Our objectives need to be measureable and have a time frame for which to be completed. This means doing something "x" number of times by such and such a date to help us get results to realize our goal(s).

Here is an example of an exercise plan that provides us with direction. We can modify it to meet our own needs:

GOAL #1) I want to decrease the percentage of my body fat from 40% to 20% by next year at this time.

OBJECTIVE A) I will see my doctor to get a physical exam within one month.

OBJECTIVE B) I will consult with a nutritionist to learn ways to modify my diet so I am eating more healthful foods on a daily basis within three months time.

OBJECTIVE C) I will engage in one or more of the following chosen activities every other day for at least 30 minutes each time during the next year: walking, jogging, running, stretching, bicycling, swimming, lifting weights, other.

OBJECTIVE D) I will take the necessary steps to make each exercise enjoyable and safe. (Wearing protective gear, working with a Personal Trainer or coach, other).

OBJECTIVE E) I will get adequate rest/sleep each night to help my body and mind recharge itself. (Yes, body and mind act as one). Current research defines "adequate" as 8 to 10 hours of sleep each night.

Once a goal and objectives are determined, the challenge then becomes doing it. The mental preparation has already started. Follow-through is key to getting results.

Knowledge is power when we apply it to our lives. It helps make life better than before. If not better, certainly different! Here are some interesting links worth reading to add to your knowledge base:

1) Dr. Mirkin. A website authored by Dr. Gabe Mirkin and wife, Diana. Both keep-up with current research in the areas of health, fitness, nutrition and sexuality.

2) The American Council On Exercise.

3) Metro Family Fitness.

4) The Presidential Sports Awards. Have your commitment to fitness recognized.

* "POWER-UP" with physical conditioning!

*TRAIN RATHER THAN STRAIN!

Written by,
Mark S. Rogers, LPC.
Licensed Professional Counselor and
Nationally Certified Sports Counselor.
(5/02)

Thanks for supporting Stooltime Counseling, Tiffany!

FINDING YOUR MOJO AT THE DOJO

2007-02-01T23:13:00.000-05:00

Learning the Martial Arts to improve self-esteem!

Achieving positive self-esteem is a daily job. Overcoming the obstacles to this process (daily problems, critical people, watching the news on TV, negative self-talk, etc.) takes effort and skill. There are many things we can do to achieve a healthy self-esteem so we can overcome these daily negative influences. Learning the Martial Arts is one of them.

Martial Arts training teaches us:

HOW TO MANAGE OUR FEARS - We become confident in our ability to handle distressful situations because we are more likely to manage our emotions and impulses than if we did not have any formal teaching. Having this courage could mean the difference between saying yes or no to peer pressure. How much is it worth to us to learn the self-confidence it takes to say, "no", to somebody who wants us to do something we do not want to do?

COPING SKILLS - We learn how to cope with dangerous situations. It is called self-defense. Self-defense skills are transferable to our psychological well-being. It is a pretty good feeling to know we can depend on ourselves when the situation calls for it.

SELF-DISCIPLINE - It takes discipline to practice kicks, punches and blocks over and over again, letting the sweat drop to the floor while we work-out, and not be distracted. People who have self-discipline are not distracted by their emotions or impulses. Self-disciplined people are able to conform to a certain standard of behavior in all circumstances. They have taught themselves how to channel their emotional energy into goal achievement. A good instructor keeps his students focused on a goal as one way of teaching self-discipline. This could mean enduring a vigorous group session of calisthenics, sparring, or practicing "katas" (a sequence of offensive and defensive moves with an imaginary enemy aimed at improving physical and mental concentration).

A qualified instructor believes in the motto: "TRAIN, DON'T STRAIN." Self-discipline can be taught without lessons being beaten into a student. For the student, this means finding a school that hires instructors who understand how to teach Karate skills in a non-abusive manner. Yes, it is good to learn self-discipline, but not at the expense of missing water breaks during a work-out session or pushing through painful exercises to the point of risking injury.

RESPECT FOR SELF AND OTHERS - Martial Arts expert, the late Bruce Lee, described his "style" of fighting as, "The art of fighting without fighting", in his 1973 movie, "ENTER THE DRAGON." In an interview, Bruce Lee said, "If confronted by an opponent, one must ask, am I really afraid? Having no fear of an assailant, no self-doubt, the situation can be treated lightly." This means having the courage to walk away from a fight if it is possible. We learn to use our heads rather than our fists in real life situations. There is no need to prove anything. Martial Arts training has taught us that we can feel self-assured that it is okay to walk away from a fight rather than risk hurting someone else or ourselves. Old school wisdom teaches, "He who fights and runs away, lives to fight another day." New school wisdom teaches, "He who finds a way to sidestep a fight, approaches life in a positive light." Someone with high self-esteem, as taught by learning the Martial Arts, has no problem with avoiding a fight if possible.

ONE WAY OF GETTING IN TO SHAPE - Working-out at the "dojo" helps us to feel better about ourselves because we are exercising and improving our body image as a result. This helps to improve our self-esteem! It is always recommended that we consult with our primary care physician before starting any exercise program.

I equate the process of developing a positive self-esteem to that of developing our "mojo". What is "mojo" and how do we get it? How is learning the Martial Arts linked to the development of our "mojo"?

Hollywood personality, Mike Myers, portrays a British Secret Agent in the 1999 movie, "AUSTIN POWERS: THE SPY WHO SHAGGED ME". It is a movie about how "good" tries to overcome "evil". Austin's "mojo" is stolen and part of the movie's plot centers around his attempt to get it back. In the movie, "mojo", is described as, "life force, libido, essence and the right stuff". Austin is robbed of his ability to have sex. His feeling of "potency" is missing and so he feels terrible about himself. This reminds me of the joke about the man who goes to his doctor's office for a vasectomy. He is wearing a three-piece suit. His doctor asks him, "Why are you all dressed-up for the operation?" The man replies, "Doc, if I'm gonna be impotent, I want to look impotent!" "Mojo" equals the feeling of potency. The feeling of potency is one part of having a healthy self-esteem. The people who have high self-esteem feel potent. They have the skills that enable them to tackle their problems. They have the energy and endurance it takes to handle all of life's ups and downs. Like people are undaunted by bullies and other negative people or situations in life.

Yes, I am an advocate for teaching people self-defense skills. Men, women and children can all benefit from enrolling in a Karate school to learn the Martial Arts. In addition to learning how to physically defend ourselves if needed, Martial Arts skills improve our self-esteem and self-confidence. We begin to feel more comfortable with ourselves and can manage our fears more effectively than before. Enlightened students renew their respect for others and themselves. We become aware that the human body is strong, yet fragile. Students find out first hand what it's like to hit and be hit. Either way, it hurts! This awareness teaches respect.

Martial Arts training is a form of self-expression just like playing the drums is to a musician. Self-expression done appropriately is healthy and it can even feel good. Martial Arts training provides another option of asserting ourselves so we are less passive about life. Learning self-defense skills is not about wanting to go out and hurt somebody. It's about learning how to fight so we don't have to fight. People who have self-confidence in their ability to defend themselves understand this concept. It sounds ironic, but the truth is in the results of our self-perception. We can find our "mojo" at the dojo, a potent self-perception: "STRONG LIKE BULL!"

* To have "mojo" means to feel "potent" with high self-esteem.
* The "dojo" is the place where Martial Arts training is taught.
* The execution of martial arts skills at the dojo is a form of self-expression.

Written by,
Mark S. Rogers, LPC.
Licensed Professional Counselor
(2/02)

SELF-ESTEEM!

2007-01-31T23:46:00.003-05:00

HAPPINESS IS AN INSIDE JOB!

Self-esteem is the mental picture we have of ourselves. It is our very own self-assessment. Ideally, for adults, our sense of self-worth is based on what we accept to think and feel about ourselves as opposed to accepting what others think and feel about us. In other words, our happiness is an inside job and dependent soley on us. Each of us decides how to develop our self-esteem, and this is more rational than having others develop it for us. How is our mental picture, which reflects our self-esteem, developed? Is our mental picture positive and realistic? Does our mental picture limit us in any way?

Our personal mental picture begins to develop in childhood between the ages of six and twelve. This is the time when children work hard to master the skills it takes to do well in school and to get along with others. Supportive parents and teachers help foster a child's sense of competence over these skills. Successfully mastering these skills as a child brings about feelings of industry. On the other hand, failure to master these skills as a child can lead to feelings of inferiority. If we did not learn how to be industrious as a child, take heart; we can learn these skills as an adult. The same holds true for learning people-skills (the ability to manage interpersonal relationships). Some of the skills needed to excel in school include: a) Setting goals, b) Learning how to delay gratification (it takes an entire semester to earn a grade for one class), c) Being able to overcome obstacles, d) Time management, e) Acquiring effective study habits, f) The three R's: Reading, Writing and Arithmetic, g) Developing friendships. The list goes on.

To a child, school is his/her job. It is the vehicle a child drives to develop a sense of industry. There are other ways to accomplish a sense of industry. Taking up sports or engaging in a hobby are effective as well; any task that challenges us to feel useful and productive. It is important to choose an activity that we "love" to do. Of course, the need for achievement is a higher level need and more easily attained after having met lower level survival needs like food, shelter and security.

If we want to develop a positive self-esteem, it is essential that we find something to do that helps us feel special about ourselves. Traditionally, men use their jobs as a way to foster their self-esteem. Many men define who they are by the jobs they decide to work. Likewise, historically, women choose to get married as a way to bolster their self-esteem. (Yes, marriage is a lot of work, but there's nothing like it!).

Thus far, I have mentioned how "achievement" engineers a sense of industry, which has the positive effect of raising our self-esteem. This is called using an "external locus of control" to produce a positive personal mental picture. There is also an "internal locus of control" we can use to increase our self-esteem. This, too, is a skill and can be learned as an adult if we did not learn it as a child.

Many of us base our self-esteem entirely on our accomplishments or "external" factors. "I would be a good person if I could earn "x" number of dollars, live in a big house with a white picket fence, have 2.3 kids and a dog." "I will be happy and satisfied with myself if I can find my ideal job!" This type of thinking sets us up to possibly fail because it may be unrealistic. While it is important to "reach for the stars", it's also imperative to "keep one foot on the ground." The amateur athlete who has a passion for golf might expect to one day turn professional. If that doesn't happen, the frustrated athlete needs to reassess his/her goal and resort to plan "B". This may mean being happy with owning a Pro-Golf shop. It is always dangerous to base our self-esteem entirely on what we achieve in life. We also need to base our self-esteem on what we think and believe about ourselves. Which thoughts do we want to accept, and which ones do we want to reject? In a perfect world, the educational process (school) gives us a head start by teaching us how to use our brains to think in a rational manner. Additionally, as children, in a perfect world, we had parents or other adult role models, who taught us how to think rationally by setting an example. If not, it's time to learn this skill rather than blame them. With any parental behavior short of abuse or neglect, I believe parents do the best they can with what they know when it comes to rearing their children. We are now ready to enter the world of our "INTERNAL LOCUS OF CONTROL".

The power of the human mind is awesome! We have yet to figure out how to tap its full potential, even though human civilization has existed for approximately five thousand years. A cynical mind thinks we will never realize our cognitive potential if after five thousand years we have only learned to use ten to fifteen percent of it. An optimist thinks our mental abilities are comprised of strengths and limitations. He/she knows there is always room for improvement. How we use our minds to develop our self-esteem is crucial to our successes, failures and survival.

Our self-esteem is the basis by which we relate to the rest of the world. It is at the core of all of our behaviors. If we believe we are shy, then we will act shy. If our mental picture supports a self-image that reflects an assertive person, we will either act assertively or learn the skills to act that way. Unsuccessful attempts at realizing our goals could tempt us to be unreasonably harsh with ourselves. This could lead to feelings of hopelessness and self-pity. This is damaging to our mental picture. It is a fact that we all experience successes and failures. Our self-esteem is partially measured by how we handle our successes and failures. Someone with a healthy self-esteem has learned how to cope with the good, the bad and the ugly.

America is a land filled with countless stories from people who have developed a positive self-esteem, despite all odds. America's strength is also her weakness. America is a melting pot of many different ethnic groups. Each group adds a new ingredient to the pot. This is America's strength. More often than not, people have moved away from oppressive circumstances in their homeland to look for opportunity, freedom and a livelihood in America. Unfortunately, the oppression takes on a different form once situated in America. This is America's weakness. Fortunately, the oppression can be overcome. How is this accomplished? Self-esteem!

Americans of Italian descent were faced with much oppression soon after the mass migration of Italians took place. Immigrant Italians were referred to as "aliens" and were subjected to police raids of their homes. Americans of Polish descent were faced with job discrimination as recent as the 1930's. Many couldn't find work. Employers wouldn't hire them because of their Polish descent. Americans of Western African descent are sometimes still being treated poorly today. My American History teacher at Oakland University believes all ethnic groups who recently mass migrate to America experience similar oppression. The mass migration of immigrant Western Africans occurred in the 1920's. This oppressive treatment towards new ethnic groups in our country ought not be viewed as a "rite of passage" nor should it be accepted by anybody who wants to be treated with dignity and respect, which includes all of us. However, there are many examples of people who have learned to overcome barriers to live productive lives.

It is up to each of us to work on increasing our self-esteem to help ward-off oppression, criticism, negativity and anything else that is an obstacle to achieving our hopes and dreams. Yes, negativity has a way of agitating our minds if that is our perspective. Looking for ways to build a healthy self-esteem is the anti-dote.

Achievement is one way of raising our self-esteem. Learning mental skills like positive self-talk, affirmations, thought stopping, reframing negative thoughts, relaxation skills and mental imagery is the other part of the solution.

POSITIVE SELF-TALK: Our inner dialogue speaks volumes of how we perceive ourselves. Motivation expert, Zig Ziglar, said, "Positive thinking won't get us everything, but it will get us anything better than negative thinking."

AFFIRMATIONS: Validating ourselves each day in an active and positive way helps to program our sub-conscious mind for success. "YES, I CAN!"

THOUGHT STOPPING: Thoughts of which we become aware and do not want to experience can be stopped. Intrusive negative thoughts are halted by saying to ourselves, "STOP" or "CANCEL".

REFRAMING NEGATIVE THOUGHTS: Rather than thinking, "I can't do this", it is more fruitful to think, "Yes, this is a challenge, and I am learning what to do to be a more positive person!"

RELAXATION SKILLS: Deep breathing, progressive muscular and mental imagery techniques have a profound way of keeping us calm, focused and goal-oriented.

MENTAL IMAGERY: Visualizing successful achievement of our goals is a powerful skill! What is our vision of ourselves?

* Eleanor Roosevelt said, "No one can make us feel inferior without our consent."

* Our mental picture: We are what we think we are, for better or for worse.

Written by,
Mark S. Rogers, LPC.
Licensed Professional Counselor.
(3/02)

Thank you for supporting Stooltime Counseling, Patty!

THE STATUE OF RESPONSIBILITY

2007-01-30T23:02:00.019-05:00

WITH FREEDOM COMES RESPONSIBILITY!

Here's a pair that beats three of a kind: FREEDOM AND RESPONSIBILITY! In America, the national monument that symbolizes our freedom is the Statue of Liberty. (Thank you, France). Lady Liberty has greeted thousands of immigrants who came to America in search of "Life, liberty and the pursuit of happiness". (Bachelors are afforded the happiness of pursuit.) What does it mean to be free? Does it mean we can do whatever we want, whenever we want? No, because then there would be total chaos. Does freedom come with an implied code of conduct? Yes, because with freedom comes responsibility. Where is the national monument that depicts the need to think, feel and act responsibly? (What about the three-legged stool?) When will a philanthropist come forth to donate the money to build the Statue of Responsibility? Lady Liberty needs a friend standing next to her to remind us that we are all accountable for what we think, feel and do.

The genesis of our "no-fault" society has made the idea of "personal responsibility" an unpopular view. This "no-fault" mentality is one of the many barriers to living a responsible life. It is easier to blame others for what we think, how we feel and what we do than it is to be a responsible person. It takes work to own our thoughts, emotions and actions. This is most likely the case because it is human nature to assign blame to someone or something else when something goes wrong. There is a part of us that wants to deny our role in having caused conflict or harm. The drunk driver is a good example. Even though our society has attempted to stigmatize drunk driving, some people still do it. Yes, it is a bad choice and an abdication of personal responsibility, but I can hear the excuses now: "I didn't mean to kill those people in the accident. I was drinking. I wasn't in my right mind. Please be lenient with me, Judge." It is easier to look for a scapegoat than it is to accept the blame. It takes an honest person to admit when he/she is at fault. There is no denial. Even the drunk driver can use the three-legged stool metaphor to avoid making the same mistake twice. A person who chooses to drink and drive has two of the three legs wobbling, not from the alcohol, but from thinking and acting in an irresponsible manner in the quest to feel pleasure. I would call a three-legged stool with wobbly legs a "loose stool." The goal of a well-adjusted, high functioning and responsible person is to keep sturdy all three legs of that stool. This means being reasonable, aware of our feelings and acting responsibly.

What is the yardstick by which society judges someone to be a responsible person? There are different levels of personal responsibility. It is someone who uses their moral compass to help differentiate between right and wrong and then acts accordingly. It is somebody who does the best they can to obey the laws of the land. It is the person who uses common sense with a sense of reason. It is the assertive person who shows respect towards others as well as toward himself. What about the guy who makes a mistake, admits it, learns from it and then moves on? Lets remember the people who are willing to "stand up and do something" as opposed to sitting down to watch their hopes and dreams be lost. When we want something to happen in our life, we can either sit around and wait for it to happen, or we can set a goal, aim for it and take responsibility for the results.

It is easy to accept the credit when something goes "right" in our life. When something goes wrong, it is natural to look elsewhere to assign the blame. Here is a list of the top ten SCAPEGOATS that get the blame for our behavioral problems:

1) Parents.
2) Spouse/Significant other.
3) Genetics.
4) Medication. Either taking it or neglecting to take it.
5) Income level.
6) Alcohol/illicit drugs.
7) Intelligence level including I.Q.
8) The government.
9) Hormones.
10) Hey, I'm only human!

Yes, it is true that each example from the above list may have "influenced" a negative result, but only we can "determine" a negative result. It isn't the fast food restaurants that are making us fat. It is we who decide what food we put in our mouths. It isn't the fault of the company that builds ladders that caused someone to fall while climbing one. Some people must think it because ladder companies have been sued for this very reason. The ladder company then passes on the cost of the law suit to the consumer. Who is responsible for the mentally ill person who refuses to take their medication and then acts in an irrational manner? Current laws state that if someone is mentally ill and commits a crime, the person may not be guilty by reason of insanity. More than likely, if the person had come to terms with the need to take their medication, we would not be asking this question. The time to treat mental illness is before something bad happens. Someone with a mental illness is acting responsibly when the person negotiates a treatment plan with their doctor that includes the use of medication to help manage disturbing thoughts and moods. This is conventional wisdom from the mainstream medical community. (On behalf of the seriously and persistently mentally ill population, it may be a long time before society understands mental illness and all of the disturbing symptoms associated with it. Many people who are mentally ill struggle to understand it. As our understanding increases, hopefully, the stigma of mental illness will decrease. Not all mentally ill people are criminals. Mental illness is not at the root of criminal behavior. To think this way means that society is looking for a scapegoat to try to understand the crime rate.)

To get back on track, life is about choices. As adults, it is also about accepting the consequences, good and bad, after having made a choice. Living in a free country offers us this opportunity. We can define our lives any way we want, keeping in mind our strengths and limitations, because we have the freedom to make choices. What kind of job do you want? Who do you want to include in your circle of friends? For what do you have a passion? What do you need to do so that in five years you will be where you want to be in life? (Either we'll be doing what we want to be doing in five years from now or we won't.)

I believe there are two camps of people. The first camp believes that all people are created equal. What happens after that is a personal choice. The second camp believes that only a select few are winners in life's lottery. Here's the truth: We can all feel like winners if we choose to think and act responsibly. Ideally, this is a lesson we begin to learn in childhood and have it at least semi-mastered by the time we are adults. If we don't know how to get this done, then we may need some help. Responsible parents, family members, mentors, teachers, priests, counselors, friends and support groups are good places to look for direction, guidance and instruction.

It is not always easy to wear the hat of personal responsibility. The shoes are sometimes a tight fit, too. To live a responsible lifestyle is its own reward. There are no alibis nor any self-deception. Our thoughts, feelings and behaviors are our own. We look for no excuses or scapegoats for which to blame our shortcomings. We accept ourselves for who we are (mortals) and then work to improve on who we are. All of this contributes to a more civilized society because we are held accountable for our actions. This promotes values like honesty and integrity. Yes, President Harry S. Truman, your motto rings loud and clear: "THE BUCK STOPS HERE!"

* IT TAKES DISCIPLINE, EFFORT AND BEING TRUTHFUL WITH ONESELF TO BE A RESPONSIBLE PERSON.

* All people are created equal. What happens after that is a personal choice!

* The Statue of Responsibility National Monument is to be dedicated on July 4th, 2020. It will take on the appearance of two arms clasping each other at the wrists in a vertical position, a metaphor for human interdependence. It reminds me of the following definition for the word, "responsibility":

When you look closely into the eyes of another, the first person you see is yourself. When you hold their hand, you feel your own warmth. When you give of yourself, you give to yourself. This is done voluntarily.

November 30th, 2005: Bay Voice Newspaper, New Baltimore, MI.

The Statue Of Responsibility Foundation http://www.sorfoundation.org

Liberty + Responsibility = Our Freedom.

Written by,
Mark S. Rogers, LPC.
Licensed Professional Counselor.
(1/02)

A NEED FOR COACHES TO STRESS VALUES

2007-01-29T17:37:00.003-05:00

This article originally appeared in the Detroit News: 1/31/1979.

Our competitive society is based on living in a world where one either wins or loses - a world in which there is no middle ground, only the two extremes. I think this type of two-valued orientation contains a simplistic point of view; rather naive in a country as advanced as ours.

The thought may be carried over to athletic circles. American coaches are pressured into producing a winning team. This concept works fine in the professional ranks, but not in our schools. The coaches in our schools should concern themselves with a thoroughly different technique.

First off, sports should build character, teach a person the meaning of accomplishment and achievement while at the same time allow a student to realize he is no less a human being if he loses.

Sports or physical education classes ought not be viewed as punishment lest we produce a generation of students who become apathetic towards it.

Too many coaches prescribe laps around the gym or 20 extra push-ups for the hard-to-conform individual. What about the obese youngster who needs the exercise, yet is the first to get knocked out playing dodge ball?

If winning is so important to the American dream, coaches need to teach students how healthy it is to remain active; and in that way they will be considered winners.

It is time for school coaches to reevaluate their practices and learn from their mistakes. It will be in this way that physical education teachers will develop a defense for their services in the educational system.

Because, in the long run, a population aware of the benefits of preventative medicine, means job security for all of them.

Written by,
Mark S. Rogers, LPC.
Licensed Professional Counselor.
(08/01)

Thanks for supporting Stooltime Counseling, Julia & Mark!

THE THREE-LEGGED STOOL

2007-01-29T12:50:00.005-05:00

POWER-UP WITH STOOLTIME COUNSELING!

The three-legged stool is a metaphor for the balance of life. Each of the legs means something different. The first leg stands for our thoughts. Human beings have been blessed with the ability to think. The second leg stands for our feelings. I am grateful for the ability to feel because our feelings create meaning in an otherwise superficial world. The third leg stands for our actions. Our actions are a measure of who we are in relation to the rest of the world. Each of the three legs cannot stand alone. The three legs represent a tripod. To be alive means we think, feel and act almost simultaneously. Someone who is angry has a specific thought prior to feeling that way. This same angry person has a choice re: how to act-out that anger. Temper tantrum? Sulk and withdraw? Channel the anger in to some positive action that benefits somebody? What kinds of thoughts do you have prior to feeling angry? What do you usually do when you feel angry? What can you do instead? How do your thoughts change after acting-out your anger? This is one example of how our thoughts, emotions and actions are interdependent; just like each of the three legs on the three-legged stool. Take away one of the legs and the stool collapses because it is no longer balanced. We all need to think. Everybody has feelings otherwise we would function like a machine. We can all learn to act responsibly. This is our duty because we have freedom. With freedom comes responsibility. Lets explore each of the three legs in more detail: 1)our thoughts, 2)how we feel, 3)what we do.

What do you think? Usually, what we think is a result of what we've been told, what we've read or what we have experienced with our senses. However, a person who has an "active mind", one who is always thinking, has the ability to control their thoughts. We can choose to think in a positive or negative way. Positive thinking takes effort, whereas, negative thinking is one form of mental laziness. The need for problem solving and conflict resolution is best met while maintaining a positive attitude. Positive thinkers can be as realistic and objective about the world and themselves as people who have the habit of complaining or thinking negative. What is your choice?

Our thoughts are powerful. Research shows that "rumination", dwelling on a negative memory over and over again, is one risk factor for depression. There are a number of things we can do to "cancel" out negative thoughts that come our way. Counseling can help. Surrounding ourselves with positive and supportive people is helpful, too.

Our feelings. Feelings are life! Feelings give meaning to life. Feelings are neither good nor bad. They just exist as part of our humanity. Our emotions have an impact on what we think and how we behave. To feel "afraid" may prompt us to avoid or approach a situation/person. How we choose to act when we're afraid depends on how well we are able to cope with that feeling. Most feelings fall under five main categories: MAD, SAD, GLAD, FEAR, CONFUSED. It is an illusion to believe we can control our feelings. We can manage them and we can learn how to cope with them, but we cannot control them like our thoughts and actions. The comfortable feelings are usually the easiest to tolerate and accept. The painful feelings are the most difficult to accept. This is because human beings tend to avoid pain and seek pleasure. The good news is two fold: 1)Adaptively managing our feelings is a skill and can be learned, 2)Feelings are like gas ... they pass. The sadness you might feel today may not be there tomorrow. The happiness you feel during a pleasant experience will eventually go away and be replaced by another feeling. Wouldn't it be boring if we only felt one feeling all of the time? To what could we compare a single feeling if that were all we had?

Our behaviors. This is the stuff other people see. What we do is usually a result of what we're thinking and feeling. A frustrated baseball player who obsesses about a lousy mistake he made during the 5th inning could go back to the dug out and throw a temper tantrum. On the other hand, the same frustrated ball player who makes a lousy play during the 5th inning could go back to the dug out, acknowledge the frustration, and ask for constructive feedback from his teammates so he can learn from his mistake and become an improved player. Another choice is for the frustrated ball player to go back to the dug out to pout, sulk and withdraw (keep to himself). In all three situations a certain amount of energy is exerted. What would be your choice when confronted with feelings of frustration during an athletic competition?

It is difficult to predict how we would respond until placed in that situation, but you may have a general idea of your response if you know yourself pretty well. The first example is a demonstration of someone who is "aggressive." The second scenario describes an "assertive" ball player. The third one shows us a person who is "passive."

Our behaviors occur on a continuum: aggressive, assertive, passive. Most situations in life call for us to act in one of these three fashions. (There are others like "passive-aggressive", but for now we will limit the discussion to the main three.)

Aggressive behavior is not recommended while driving a car. This could create an unsafe situation on the road. There are other times when aggressiveness can work in our favor. For example, I want to aggressively develop this web site so I can help other people and make some money on the side. Participation in sports is another good outlet for aggressive energy.

To be assertive is usually the ideal. This is when we acknowledge our own feelings while at the same time show respect for the feelings of others. If someone were to aggressively say bad things about me that hurt my feelings, I might act and say the following, "I hear you saying a lot of untrue things about me. I don't appreciate it. Please stop." This may or may not halt a critic in his tracks, but at least I did not repress my pain, nor did I aggressively hit the person for acting and talking in a mean way. We cannot control other people. They will say and do what they want. We can control what we think and do, though. Focus on that. Whatever you decide to say or do to others, make sure you can live with that decision.

Being passive works in some situations and not in others. If you are familiar with the true meaning of martial arts training you would know that a student learns how to fight so he does not have to fight. A martial arts student knows first hand that it hurts to get kicked and punched. This lesson is learned while sparring with your opponent at the dojo (gym). An experienced and wise martial arts student learns that he does not want to hurt anybody. Consequently, he will try to avoid fighting other people even if confronted. This could take on the appearance of being passive. In a different situation, I would not want to act passively if I am giving a speech or wanting to make a point. In those instances I would choose to behave assertively.

A three-legged stool needs all of its legs to remain balanced. Taking away one of the legs means the stool becomes unbalanced. There is a connection that creates a balance between our thoughts, feelings and behaviors. The counseling experience explores this connection. Counseling promotes personal responsibility for one's thoughts, feelings and actions. It is a gradual process of rational, emotional and behavioral growth as defined by the client and facilitated by the counselor. Counseling helps people help themselves. "Insight" plus "effort" equals "change." Self-exploration, self-understanding and choosing to change self-defeating behaviors and attitudes is a goal. Counseling can help. There are plenty of competent counselors out there who can help you if you think you need help. The American Counselor Association Website can help with your search. The "Mental Health Resource Directory" is also helpful.

Counseling can help you live your life with all three legs of that metaphorical stool. It is your choice. Good luck.

Written by,
Mark S. Rogers, LPC
Licensed Professional Counselor.
(07/01)

Henry Ford said, "Whether you think you can or you can't, you're right!"

The three-legged stool: Connecting thoughts, feelings and behaviors.

STOOLTIME COUNSELING DISCLAIMER

2007-01-29T12:34:00.004-05:00

RISKS -VS- BENEFITS

"Stooltime Counseling" is an informational website that offers its readers an opportunity to learn more about our human condition from the perspective of a Licensed Professional Counselor. This is accomplished by way of reading any of the posted self-help articles. Reading any of my self-help articles is different than meeting face-to-face for a counseling session. Even though some insight can be gained, I acknowledge that there are limitations to this type of format. Any information I provide is my best professional effort, and it is not the same as meeting face-to-face for a counseling session. I write about what I know, and I know enough to know I don't know enough about everything!

I hesitate to call any of my articles a form of advice. They are more like objective information and professional opinion written in an empathic/positive tone. Advice is like a double-edged sword. On one side of the blade, a dependency could be created with each other if the advice is good. On the other side, my credibility as a counselor is shot if the advice is bad. I prefer an adult-to-adult relationship with readers as opposed to a parent-to-child relationship. It is a parent's role to give advice to their children. As the author of Stooltime Counseling, my responsibility is to write, based on my professional perspective. It is the responsibility of the reader to either accept or reject the information, and then make the decisions and personal choices about how the information can be applied.

There is the option to write to me to request clarification about anything I have written. If there is ever a question or comment about something I have written, please contact me to request clarification. I value clear, two-way communication. I agree with people who say that sometimes the written word can be misinterpreted because unlike the spoken word, there is no inflection!

If we use the services of the Post Office, I cannot be held responsible for the Post Office losing mail. Sometimes mail gets lost. I check my Post Office Box on a weekly basis. If my letter is not received by you within a reasonable amount of time, based on that time frame, I ask that I be re-contacted and made aware of this. An e-mail to stooltimecounseling@comcast.net is the most expedient way to get in touch. Please know that sometimes I take vacations.

As a Professional Counselor, I have an ethical and legal responsibility to hold in confidence all information exchanged by way of written correspondence with each other. This excludes: 1) People who are in serious danger of harming themself or others, 2) Suspected child abuse, 3) Suspected elder abuse. Other than these three exclusions, confidentiality is assured. Additionally, it is the responsibility of the person requesting any snail mail or e-mail correspondence to safeguard any received written correspondence.

This forum is not set-up to deal with people who are in crisis. I define a crisis as a life-or-death situation. I would strongly encourage people who are in crisis to seek immediate professional help from a more appropriate resource like an emergency room at a local hospital or calling 911 on the telephone.

If you choose to purchase any of the available Stooltime Counseling merchandise, please use the home page to access the link to the on-line store. Stooltime Counseling, in partnership with Graphic Stitch, Inc., appreciate your business and we say, "Thank you".

Thank you for taking the time to read the "Stooltime Counseling" articles. The information you read is my opinion, given my professional knowledge base.

Sincerely,
Mark S. Rogers, LPC.
Licensed Professional Counselor and
Nationally Certified Sports Counselor, Diplomate.
(10/02)

POWER-UP WITH STOOLTIME COUNSELING!

Thanks for supporting Stooltime Counseling, Nrl!

WHAT IS STOOLTIME COUNSELING AND WHO IS THE STOOLMAN?

2007-01-29T10:23:00.009-05:00

Created on July 4th, 2001 by Mark S. Rogers, LPC.

My name is Mark Rogers. I am a Licensed Professional Counselor and a Nationally Certified Sports Counselor. I am the creator and author of "Stooltime Counseling", a website designed to educate and empower people. Main theme: MENTAL HEALTH. Presently, this is being accomplished by referring you to the archived Library Of Articles, where you can peruse articles I have written.

I have been employed in the Mental Health Profession since August, 1980. I have always enjoyed writing. I decided to start a website so I can share my professional knowledge with others on the internet. Allow me to personally thank Danny, my twelve year old nephew, for teaching me how to create a website. You're good, Danny!

One of my goals has been to write a book. We all have a story to tell. Figuratively, I believe we all have a book within us just waiting to be written. It is time for me to put pen to paper to begin writing mine. Each article contained in the "Stooltime Counseling" Library will have its place in my book. Creating this website has helped me to quit procrastinating and begin the process of sitting down and writing, even if it is one article at a time. It took me approximately twelve years of college to earn a Master's degree, one class at a time most years, but I eventually realized my goal. I am applying the same deliberate process to my goal of writing a book. It is taking some time to finish, but I am finishing.

This website is entitled, "Stooltime Counseling", so it would follow that its author be called, "The Stoolman." The bad news is that some people equate Stooltime Counseling with manure because of its name. The good news is that good things grow from manure! From where did the name, "Stooltime Counseling", come? Why choose a name that sounds like a by-product from a bodily function? These are fair questions. I can take the kidding! I especially like an idea from Debbie in Ohio, who suggests a slogan for this website: "If you have an issue, I have a tissue"! Thanks, Debbie!

Counseling is a moving art form rather than a science. It is not exact like Mathematics. Techniques applied by Counselors are based on different theories like Freudian, Cognitive-Behavioral, Logotherapy, Gestalt and the Three-Legged Stool to name a few. Many Counselors have an eclectic approach, and base their form of therapy on many different theories, as do I. However, I particularly like the Three-Legged Stool theory, hence, the "stool" part of this website's name. I am grateful to Professor Elyce Cron from Oakland University for introducing me to the Three-Legged Stool theory during the course of my graduate studies. You can read about how I apply the Three-Legged Stool theory to my counseling techniques and philosophy by reading the article entitled, "The Three-Legged Stool," elsewhere on this site.

Some of us remember a situation-comedy TV show called, "Home Improvement", starring actor/comedian, Tim Allen. It was popular during the 1990's. Tim's character played a handyman, who had his own show that helped its audience with matters related to home improvement. The show's name was, "Tool Time." Tim's character was referred to as, "Tim, the Tool Man Taylor." I thought the show was well written, well acted and funny. I was fortunate to meet Tim Allen in 1995 during one of his visits to the Pontiac, Michigan area. He appeared at the Lighthouse of Oakland County, Inc., to generously donate a brand new Ford van, which was to be used to transport senior citizens, who were somehow affiliated with the Lighthouse. The Lighthouse is also an organization that helps eligible people acquire clothing, emergency food and assists with housing issues. When I approached Tim Allen, I was wearing a Varsity jacket that had my Three-Legged Stool logo embroidered on it. At that time, I had already conceptualized the idea of the Three-Legged Stool logo for my part-time counseling practice. I showed the logo on the jacket to Tim and said, "You're the Tool Man, I'm the Stoolman!" Without flinching, Tim responded, while laughing, "And your show is called Stooltime." The rest is history. Thank you, Mr. Tim Allen, for those words that are now the title of my show, I mean, website.

Tim Allen is the "Tool Man" on a show that is called, "Tool Time", that helps people with home improvement. Mark Rogers is the "Stoolman" on a website called, "Stooltime Counseling", that helps people with mental health improvement. This makes perfect sense to me!

Written by,
Mark S. Rogers, LPC.
Licensed Professional Counselor and Nationally Certified Sports Counselor.(4/02)

Thank you for supporting Stooltime Counseling, Amanda!